GRANDMA GOT RUN OVER BY A REINDEER

“There’s an old proverb that says you can’t choose your family. You take what fates hand you. And like them or not, love them or not, understand them or not…you cope..”--Grey’s Anatomy

 This Christmas was probably one of my favorite Christmas’.  I was surrounded by family, friends, good food, and lots of love. What more could I have possibly wanted? Well, I have an answer to this: I want, more than anything, to have a relationship with my younger brother.  

            He has this chip on his shoulder that “the world is out to get me.” One glance or one small, insignificant thing said to him makes him blow up. I had said something to him (I cannot even remember what), he got up and left the room and started going off at me at the kitchen table. My aunt said to him, “You know Matt you can’t choose your family, so you will just have to tolerate them.” She is absolutely right.

          There are times when I want nothing more than to beat my family with a giant walking stick. They have this major obsession that I need to hurry up, find a boyfriend, get married, and have kids. I am perfectly fine living the single life. I am enjoying me—even if it is completely selfish, I am enjoying me. My family also has a major obsession with me finding and going to church. I am not really willing to discuss that at the moment. My relationship with God is between myself and God—no one else. When I feel the need to go to church and further that relationship with God, or restore that relationship with God—then I’ll go. But, for now—I’m just having a hard time figuring it all out. I still pray and talk to God—he knows my heart and he can be the judge. My family needs to back off.

Besides all the criticism for being single and not being a church-goer, I know that my family will be there to support me and help me 100%, whenever I need it. That’s what matters. The fighting doesn’t matter. The love and support and knowing I have someone who will always be there, does.

            My brother may never grow up or change. The chip on his shoulder just might grow into a boulder and I will never be able to have a relationship with him. I’ve tried to show interest in the things he likes, but he just won’t engage in the conversation. I’ve asked him to go somewhere fun with me, like the mall or out to eat and he hangs up the phone. It hurts and it’s sad that he doesn’t even want to try. I’m trying. My mom just keeps saying, “Just kill him with kindness.”

So, I will. I will never understand why he has chosen to be the way he is, but maybe someday—years down the road, he will change—and I will welcome him. He is my baby brother, after all.

A POEM

I did promise myself and my readers 52 weeks worth of blogging. I wanted to make it mostly a tribute to Grey's Anatomy, as I think some of the quotes from the show have affected my life. But, as I read the quotes....nothing sticks out. I went through my poetry folder. I found this poem, and for some odd reason it just "stuck out." Enjoy!

I’m stuck inside this room

Here without you

Chained to the walls

No light, only night

Breathing hard

Falling fast

Facing all my fears at once

 

Bring me back to the place, where the light never fades

Safe inside the arms of you

Is where I want to be

So, bring me back to that place

 

Running away from it all

Nothing left to fight for anymore

Loud roars to cover my cries

No one sees the “me” inside this room (take me away)

 

Bring me back to that place where I first saw your face

Safe inside the arms of you

Where the light never fades

Take me back to that place

 

                  -Written: July 31^st, 2005



IF ONLY YOU WERE LONELY

“You can seek the advice of others, surround yourself with trusted advisors, but in the end the decision is always yours and yours alone. And when it is time to act and you’re all alone with your back up against the wall, the only voice that matters is the one in your head. The one telling you what you probably already knew. The one that’s almost always right.” –Grey’s Anatomy

This week I’m on trial. I’m facing charges of lack of intimacy and male companionship, attending college and getting a degree I am currently not using, and having too much debt. When life throws a curve ball, I seem to catch it square in the face. I’d like to take a further look into these charges; after all I am the only one defending myself.

 

Charge 1: Lack of intimacy and male companionship.

Exhibit A: Conversation (While I was texting on my phone)
Prosecutor: Do boys text you?
Me: No
Prosecutor: Do you text boys?
Me: No.
Prosecutor (disgusted look across face, condescending tone): Well….WHY?

 I have no idea why my lack of dating is directly correlated to my sexual preference. There is no man in my life presently, therefore I must be gay. I have never really dated. I have never had a boyfriend. I have my reasons. I do not trust most men/guys/boys. I went through a trauma which has made it difficult to allow myself to open up and consider dating. I’m working on it. I am healing the broken pieces to make myself whole again. How can I expect to be in a relationship and share myself with that person, if I am not complete myself? I was told that whatever you have on your list for a potential mate, you better be sure you can be and have those qualities too.

I am not perfect, nor will I ever be. I just want to make sure I am not settling for anything less than the best, because that is what I know I deserve. This charge comes from an unhappy, bitter divorcee—so I guess I should consider my source.

Charge 2: Attending college and getting a degree that is not being used

I went to college knowing full well it would be hard to get a job with my degree; yet, it did not stop me. I have had a passion for the arts and entertainment since the day I was born. I have always had a fascination with film, television and the theatre. I knew that I was meant to act, write, produce, and direct. For those who may be curious, or not already know, I received a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Acting. However, in college (and always) when I wasn’t cast in a show, I offered to lend a hand to the technical side and enjoyed it just as much as acting. After college, I moved to a place where I tried out theatre, film, and TV. I got some jobs and some work, but my living situation was not working, so I moved home. I had to quickly find a job to support me and be able to pay back my student/private loans. I got a job—two and a half years later, I am still here. I may not be acting, but I am expressing myself creatively. I write. I play piano. I paint. I am always looking for acting opportunities and submitting myself for commercials and local films. I am always looking for new plays and monologues. I am one of millions of people attempting to work in the entertainment industry. If I get a break one day, then that will be fabulous. If not, I will continue to work in this field because I am passionate about no matter how big or small the job is.

Charge 3: Having too much debt

I have a dream car. This dream car is solely based on my love for the TV show Supernatural. This dream car is a 1967 Chevy Impala, color black. I was searching through the classifieds the other day, during lunch, and I found one for $6,000. It may be green, but I could get it painted. I said, “I found my dream car for $6,000.” My supervisor made this snide comment, “You can have that car in twenty years when you pay off your student loans or when President Obama takes care of them for you.” I wanted to tell my supervisor, “I had no idea my financial situation was such a burden to you or any of your business.” I went to a private college, knowing full-well of the financial burden it would be. I knew it would be a struggle and there would be times when I would let myself regret the decision. But, I would not trade the friendships I have for the money it cost. The money I spent on college is completely worth the financial burden. I have support systems all over the United States, and I am sure wherever I end up—someone will be there to have my back. That’s true friendship…that is family.

            I’d like to add that my college debt is my only debt. I have no credit cards. I own my car. My school debt is all I have. Yes, it is a lot of money—but I’m paying it back and learning responsibility. I have a pretty strict budget that I follow and I rarely break this budget. Being at this job for the past two and a half years, I have learned what it will take for me to be able to survive on my own somewhere else. I know how much money I will need to make and I feel I am pretty responsible with my money, that I will be able to make wise decisions and not have to ask for help or assistance from anyone.

 

Sometimes I feel like I need to say, “Until you have walked a mile in my shoes, you cannot even begin to judge me or have any say in what I do or do not do.” I rarely seek the advice from family, with the exception of my parents. My family just does not understand me. My family did not help me decide on college. My family does not/will not/could not help me decide on my love life. My family will not and should not have any say in my debt or what I do with my money.

            My college friends are probably the highest of my trusted advisors. They understand the burdens and financial hardships. They understand the realization of working to survive and putting that acting career on the back burner or finding other creative outlets, or completely different careers. I am proud of all of them. No matter what.

It seems like there has been a lot of negativity thrown my way this week. I have felt the need to justify my life and decisions, when truly…I do not need to justify myself to anyone. The decision is mine and mine alone to decide what I do with my life. I may not always listen to the positive voice inside me, but I know it’s in there. You can do this. You can do this. That’s the voice I want to always listen to, because as Meredith Grey says it’s “the one that is almost always right.”

When I have extra money, I want to get tattooed on my wrist. I am who I am. I have a right to be here. I have nothing to prove. I feel like this quote will be my constant reminder that although the world may judge and question my presence, I know who I am. I know I have a right to live freely and happily. And finally, I know that I will have nothing to prove.

DESIRE

“Desire can wreck your life; but, as tough as wanting something can be…the people who suffer the most are those who don’t know what they want.”—Grey’s Anatomy

 Last week, I was overwhelmed with the desire to return to school.  I wanted to be a pediatric nurse. I wanted to be a doctor. I wanted to be an FBI agent. I wanted to be a lawyer. I wanted to be a counselor. I wanted to get a second degree in theatre and/or acting.

       Today, I have the overwhelming desire to move out of the current state I live in and to somewhere where I can work and pursue acting, writing, production work, etc.
It is almost as if I truly do not know what I want in my life anymore. There are days I consider finally opening my heart and start to date. There are days when I shudder at the fact of having children and days when I cannot wait to be a mom.  Therefore, according to this quote, I am in the category of suffering—for not knowing what I want.

 It is dangerous (I feel) to live life by a plan—because as I’ve experienced in my short twenty-six years, nothing ever goes according to plan. I think life is best lived my setting goals and doing what you can to meet those goals.

For 2012, I set three goals: stop biting my nails, write a blog for an entire year, and get Katy Perry to see my tattoo.
I have accomplished two out of three. I have not bitten my nails once this year. I have written a blog a week for almost the entire year. This is blog forty-eight and I have to get to fifty-two. So, my last goal is to get Katy Perry to see my tattoo, whether I get to personal show her or she sees the picture on the internet—I just want her to see it.

I’m proud of myself. I used to be terrible at setting and accomplishing goals, so 2013, I feel will be another year of accomplishing more goals that I have.

Desire can be poison. As you can see, I had all these desires to return to school, but I didn’t act on that desire.
I constantly struggle with the fear of moving on and leaving behind what I know for fear of the unknown and uncertain.
My support system here is what keeps me together. The people here in my life make my life enjoyable and if I have to work a mediocre job that I loathe—it almost seems like the job should be tolerable. I know I cannot keep up with this and I need to continue to search for more and improve my life—because I know that I am meant for something more.

So, for 2013 my goals are: to move out of my current state, to get a new job, and to not hold back.

To not hold back seems pretty vague, I just want to not let fear hold me back. I do not want to miss out on wonderful opportunities because of fear. I want to be able to have regrets and make mistakes. I want to be able to enjoy life as much as possible while there is life to live.

I know my blogs are not good every week. I have good weeks and I have bad weeks, but it has never held me back from not writing. I know some people who read and some are complete strangers, yet I appreciate every single page view and every single comment. This blog has given me the confidence that maybe one day, I can pursue writing.

I was told since I was ten years old that I had a gift for writing. I think this is where my good desire lies; I have a desire to write always and always. Once again, I want to thank my readers. I am so elated with the good response I have received as it continually boosts my confidence that I have what it takes. Desire can wreck your life, but I think it also brings you possibilities to chase all of your dreams.

Conversations with my 13 Year Old Self

   (Yes, I would like to credit my blog title to the P!nk song from her I'm Not Dead album)

 

I was cleaning out my closet the other day and I came across all of my old journals. I have kept a journal since I was about seven years old, as I have always found it therapeutic to write. I came across a journal that I kept from age twelve to age twenty-three.

      I read through it for a few hours and was heart-broken by the girl that I once was. There is so much anguish in my writing. I was a distraught teenager, just desperately trying to belong. I know that the thirteen year old me wants to blame my parents. The thirteen year old me wants to blame all the what nots, maybe’s, broken promises, and empty hopes. Being a teenager is one of the hardest things we experience in our lives. The sudden surge of hormones has you laughing one minute, crying the next, and before you know it you are so angry—you could scream. Maybe not every teenager felt this way, but I know I certainly did. I decided to share one of my journal entries from December 1^st, 1999.

                I know this was supposed to be a “grateful” journal, but now I think I want it to be a diary. I really haven’t had the time to sit down and write what’s really going on. So, now I have the chance…and I feel like it needs to be written.

This summer I tried to commit suicide…twice. I thought it would never happen to me, but it did. I don’t really know why I wanted to, but it was just mainly because I felt like I wasn’t loved, nobody listened to me and I felt lonely and desperate. I still have thoughts about it, about doing it. But, I don’t think God wants me right now. I mean all I have to do is….I DON’T KNOW!!!!! Another reason was because I was told, I couldn’t be an actress.

     If there was a way where I could put myself up for adoption, I would. You know all my parents do is yell, yell, YELL, YELL, YELL!!! I HATE IT!!! I wish I could live with Grandma. These past few weeks Aunt Chrissy asked me what I changed so much and what I was such a…..I can’t remember what she said.

Anyway, I wish I could move out for a few weeks away from my parents to find a way to be a better person and a way to respect them. Or, a way to find out something.

     Today, a teacher gave me a really sweet card about how she “wonders what the future holds for me,” and “how sweet I am in class.” If only my parents understood how I felt. If they could understand that I need to I get away. But, I CANNOT runaway. It’s not right. I do not know what to do.

 As you can see, I never succeeding in killing myself—even though I attempted it a few more times and eventually became a cutter—a terrible cutter, or just lucky that I have very few visible scars. Sometimes, I am constantly reminded of the thirteen year old me and how far that I have come along. I am happy. I have a good relationship with my parents now. I have a good family. I have amazingly, wonderful friends. I have a job—even though I hate it. I have enough money to pay bills and splurge a little—it is tough…but it is life. I have my health. I have a home.

    I sit here writing, I know that I am meant for something more than just the corporate job and a cubicle space…I believe I am meant to help others. I believe I am meant to share my story. I believe I am meant to write. I am a driven, passionate, hard working person—I will do everything in my power to accomplish my goals. My life is what it is and was what it was. I am not defined or know by my past---I just had to go through it to be who I am today….a beautiful, strong, confident woman who loves endlessly and stops at nothing. I am moving forward and not holding back. I am who I am. I have a right to be here. I have nothing to prove.

 



LOSING MY MIND

“Don’t wonder why people go crazy, wonder why they don’t. In the face of all we can lose in a day…in an instant…wonder what the hell it is that makes us hold it together.”—Grey’s Anatomy

 “I’m losing my mind!!” This is my cliché phrase as I frantically search for misplaced keys, misplaced paperwork, and most certainly my iPhone. The keys that were on your desk five minutes ago have suddenly and metaphorically walked away, yet they are found still hanging in the lock. The phone you are talking on is the phone you are looking for. The paperwork you are looking for is either in your hand; or, sitting right in front of you. It is moments like these, when I really consider that I am losing my mind.

            Last night, I left my keys to my home and office keys sitting on my office desk. I got home to unlock the door and began to dig through my purse. No keys. I knocked, and thankfully someone was home. Thankfully, when I got to work this morning, my keys were still sitting on my desk. Losing keys, losing your phone, losing paperwork is pretty minimal compared to what most people can lose in a day. I do not want to address loss, as I am in a wonderful mood and am taking this blog writing in a completely different direction.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. It will be a Thanksgiving without my mom, who is up in Canada for a work project. I am sad that she won’t be there; but I am thankful for the friends and family that I will be spending Thanksgiving with.
         I remember countless Thanksgiving’s standing in a circle with loved ones, stating what we are most thankful for. Hoping that the tradition continues this year, I shall start early sharing what I am most thankful this year.
I am thankful for my health. I’ve been through a lot of health scares these past three years, and I finally feel as I am in control of my body.
I am thankful for my job. As much as I complain about my job, I am thankful I have a job that pays my bills and allows me to live. Granted, I live by limited means…I am living and comfortably satisfied with what I have.
I am thankful for my grandparents, who allow me to live with them and do not expect much. However, I do pay them rent and help out with any other expenses. I help cook, clean, and am there to watch the house when they leave for vacation.
I am thankful for my parents, who are always there. A couple months ago, I had to make a repair to my car. I did not have the $600. My parents borrowed it to me and I was able to work out a payment plan to pay them back. They sometimes still spoil me with random shopping trips and take me out for lunch. As crazy as they make me, I love my parents.
I am thankful for my friends. Most of my friendships are purely through internet and phone contact, but I am thankful for those times when I know I could totally count on them to help me out. I am thankful for running into old high school friends—and having the ability to reconnect. My friends have been more a part of my life than my extended family. I trust that my friends know that I would do anything for them. I can always send a funny quote or picture to make them smile; or, be able to identify the quote of a random Facebook status.
I am thankful for “my person.” I am not sure I have ever referred to her as a friend—because, to me…she is more than that. I know that my Grey’s Anatomy obsession is totally showing right now, but she is the Cristina to my Meredith. We are totally insane—and I think that is what allows us to have such a good friendship. We have known each other for about eighteen years. I am, eight years older than her…but she has always said since she was very young, “I have the maturity and common sense of a thirty-year old.” She graduates high school in May. I have held off moving, because I cannot imagine living far away from her. Skype would not be enough.

            It is the simple things that keep me sane. It is the love of friends and family that make life less crazy, however ironically it is also what drives you crazy. Without family…without friends….I’m pretty sure my life would be a completely different story. A character on Boy Meets World put it best when he said, “Lose one friend. Lose all friends. Lose yourself.” So, friends and family thank you for keeping me together. In the face of all I could lose, my job, my friends, my family…the fact that I know love is coming from somewhere and I have that support system in place, makes me know I have what it takes to keep from falling apart.

PS: I am blown away by the number of reads my blog gets. I am thankful for all readers past and present. I hope to one day do this as a profession or write for television shows and movies. Or, maybe write for Ellen Degeneres.

START ME UP

“Nothing’s as easy as starting over. Nothing at all.” –Grey’s Anatomy

When high school ends, life into adulthood begins. You pick your college. You move out of the home you grew up in. You leave your family and friends behind for a brand new start. For four years (give or take), college is life and life is college….you explore, you expand, you search for you. You make friends, friends that eventually become your family. Then you graduate, move on to pursue your college degree. Change seems to be the only consistency in life and starting over is a part of it.
      Starting over can be scary and it isn’t easy; starting a new job, moving to a new city, starting a new life, moving away from the familiar and starting with the unfamiliar. I, knowing full well that change can be good and I can start over, I choose to stay stuck.
I read a quote once that said, “Strength shows not only in the ability to persist, but the ability to start over.”
       I know I have the power to start over; it is just a matter of knowing when the “right” time is. I use quotations around the word right, because in a sense there is never a right time.
It seems as if I write about moving on and following my heart almost every blog—but it’s true. Fear is a powerful thing. I fear of failure, I fear of missing out on my families’ lives and my friends’ lives. I fear of all the things I’ll leave behind.  I fear of having to start over.

So, I leave you with this:

Become your dream. Life your live and give yourself a chance to start over—even though there is nothing easier as starting over—just give it a try. You may like what you find when you do. Life is full of new beginnings if you take the chance.

A Letter

I was thinking of my "Dog Sees God" family. I am very close to my three year anniversary of graduating college. I am reminiscing on my last semester in college---the best half of a year in a long time. I miss what I do not have anymore, but I look forward to what is to come. Here is a letter I wrote:

To my family of DOG SEES GOD,

I want to thank you for this amazing experience. It was wonderful watching the progression of the show since the first read through. What we have now, it is beautiful. It exceeds all expectations I had. Oh, how I wish that the world could see what we have created. Words and feelings are ineffable about how I feel about each and every one of you.
          I want each of you to promise me you will never stop doing what you are doing. Keep dreaming. Keep reaching. Keep wishing. I heard once on a beer commercial that “those brave enough to chase their dream will catch it.” It has stuck with me ever since. Go out and chase that dream. Work hard. Live, laugh, love, but above all hope. Do not ever give up hope, like that beautiful anonymous person in that letter almost did. Like I almost did.
            Like the anonymous person (in the letter), little pieces of my self were ripped away by situations in my life that a lot of people do not know about, and possibly never will.
You never know what another is going through, or how by some miracle you can be a witness to someone and change their life. And we had the awesome, wonderful chance to do just that.
     Theatre saved my life. It was a last resort, really and I wanted nothing to do with it.
I am so thankful I chose theatre. It gave me hope. It gave me…..me.
This is why we all must continue to do what we do. Live our lives striving to reach others, because contrary to what some believe theatre does have power to change.

       Each one of you has changed me for the better. How blessed I am to know you. How wonderful it is to be apart of this fabulous show and witness a miracle. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for the opportunity. Thank you for allowing my last collegiate theatre experience to be Dog Sees God.

Let me leave you with these favorite quotes of mine.

“Always do what you’re afraid to do.” –Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Creativity is allowing your self to make mistakes, art is knowing which ones to keep.”-Scott Adams

 “Acting is forever carving a statue of snow.”-Lawerence Barrett

“Beginnings are scary. Endings are usually sad, but it’s what’s in the middle that counts. So, when you find yourself at the beginning just give hope a chance to float up, and it will.”-Movie quote: Hope Floats

 

“If you don’t go after what you want, you’ll never have it. If you don’t ask, the answer is always no. If you don’t step forward, you’re always in the same place.”-Nora Roberts

So, go. Step forward. Hope. And never stop doing what you are doing. Create art. Live. Laugh. Love.

I love you all.

BAND-AID COVERS THE BULLET HOLE

“As friends, as human beings, we try to do the best that we can. But, the world is full of unexpected twists and turns."—Grey’s Anatomy

 

Whether most of you know or not, each Grey’s Anatomy episode is named for a song. I also like how the episode title plays into the plot line of the episode. I am at a loss of what to write this week, so I looked up these lyrics to this song by the Scarling. So, I will share this song with you…enjoy the lyrics. I found them pretty powerful. Great imagery!

Bees in the caramel and I'm not afraid
Surgeons make incisions
what a mess they've made
Tearing at my skin leaving knives in my brain
Stabbing at the voices making me insane

Girls vomit candy and lies that they're fed
Boys whisper lullabies and wet their beds
Eat TV violence on the toast that they spread
Talking with their mouths full here is what they've said

Say Hello to my Little friend the world is getting ugly and we did it again....
Say Hello to my Little friend the world is getting ugly and we did it again...
Ohh Uh Ohh The Band Aid only covers the Bullet Hole
Ohh Uh Ohh The Band Aid only covers the Bullet Hole

LA LA LA -LA LA LA LA LA LA-

Spiders in my hair and guns on my mind
Thinking about the people who've been so unkind
If looks could kill them
I might make myself blind
Startled at the reasons that I just can't find
Kids break the dishes they crash on the floor
Parents hate the noise and shove them out the door
Robots steal emotions hide them under their beds
It's gets them so excited
Here is what they've said......

Say Hello to my Little friend the world is getting ugly and we did it again....
Say Hello to my Little friend the world is getting ugly and we did it again...
Ohh Uh Ohh The Band Aid only covers the Bullet Hole
Ohh Uh Ohh The Band Aid only covers the Bullet Hole

The Band Aid only covers the Bullet Hole
LA LA LA -LA LA LA LA LA LA- BLAH -BLAH-
BLAH -BLAH BLAH BLAH-BLAH-BLAHHHHHH.

 

GOLDEN HOUR

“How much can you actually accomplish in an hour? Run an errand…maybe. Sit in traffic? Get an oil change? When you think about it an hour really isn’t long. 60 minutes. 3600 seconds. That’s it.”—Grey’s Anatomy

In one hour I can shower, dry my hair, put on my make-up, straighten my hair, and get dressed.  There are times when I can get ready in just forty-five minutes if I’ve planned out my outfit.

It takes me one hour to write my blog every week. Sometimes I suffer from writer’s block, sometimes I just cannot think of words…I say it comes with the craft of writing.
        When I went to the gym—I went for exactly one hour….twenty minutes on the treadmill, ten minutes on the elliptical, fifteen minutes of weight lifting, and fifteen minutes of walking to cool down.  In that one hour, I was able to release mounds of tension and stress. I was able to shut out the world and focus on me.
            Life moves too fast. One minute you’re in high school and the next minute, you’re twenty-six years old, sitting home on a Thursday night writing a blog and watching Supernatural. Our society moves at the speed of light, figuratively speaking. There are those of us who watch life fly without taking the time to appreciate it. If people invested more time in themselves, maybe our world wouldn’t be so bad. There is good in this world, but there is also a lot of hurt, anger, and hate.  Maybe if people spent more time on self-reflection there would be less hurt in this world.
I am going to make a goal for 2013 to spend one hour on myself a week. Whether I treat myself to a facial, a massage, a nap, a relaxing bath…I’ve got to start making myself the best person…the person I know I can be.
   Once a month (now), I invest in myself by attending therapy sessions. I had a terrible thing happen to me and I buried it deep down for years—thinking I could just bury it so far down that it would eventually die or be forgotten. The thing with secrets is, somehow, somewhere; they come bursting to the surface like lava. Those “one hour” sessions have shaped me into a better person and began the healing process that I so desperately needed. One hour for me in 2013. I spend my time constantly working, helping others, picking up extra jobs—I do not hate a moment of it—I just can see the stress of it all wearing on me. I’ve always been the person who puts others before me. I have never put myself first. Now, maybe in 2013 I can. It’s not selfish—it’s necessary. I have got to take care of myself.

One hour. 60 minutes. 3600 seconds. Then it all starts again. And it’s nice to know that we get 24 tries in the day to get it right.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Perfect Imperfections

(This was originally written on October 11th, 2010)

As I sit down at my laptop to finally write my first blog, there is only one thing one my heart. I think it fits perfect for National Coming Out Day.
In the past several weeks, the world has watched as one too many humans have taken their lives because of bullying. It is sad. It is sickening. It tears up my heart. As a person who can speak from experience, I too have been bullied. I too have attempted suicide. My heart truly hurts for the souls lost.
Sometimes I blame God. Sometimes I blame the church. Sometimes I blame Christians. Sometimes I blame parents.
Genesis 1:27 says, "God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them."
If God, created us in HIS image then why are people born blind? Why are people born deaf? Why are people born without arms or legs? Why are people born with male and female parts? From this can we assume that God is imperfect? Maybe I am completely wrong, but these questions have invaded my mind and I don't know. I don't understand.
I truly feel that God is love. Ineffable love. Agape love. He may be imperfect, but he is love. I also feel that if God knows all the plans He has for our life, plans to give us hope and a future, why do people murder? Are our life choices pre-determined? Are our choices destiny? Has our life already played out and we are just in rewind?
Then I feel, that since God is love no one should go to hell. If God is love, then love is forgiving. Love knows no hate or wrong doing.
I was told once that "Hurting people, hurt people." People hurt and hate because someone in their life hurts and hates them. We have to stop the hurting people. We have to heal the hurt. We have to learn to love.
We are all in this world, living as perfect imperfections.
To all LTGB: Love is loud. It gets better. Don't give up. Don't let anyone create your world for you, for when you do they will make it to small. Don't give up. We are all in the gutter, but some of us look at the stars. If you are at the end of your rope know you are not alone. If you feel you are lost at sea know you have the stars above to guide you home. If you feel alone, know that there is always, always someone you can talk to. You are never alone. Love is louder then loneliness. Love needs to be louder than violence.
I am fighting for every lost, hurt, and lonely person. You were born for such a time as this. You are here for a reason and a purpose. Find that reason and purpose and spread your wings and fly. You get one life, one chance, one shot. Don't waste the opportunity. You are here. You are here. You are here.

~JLDubs~

DARK WAS THE NIGHT

“I had a terrible day; we say it all the time. A fight with the boss, stomach flu, traffic. That’s what we describe as terrible when nothing terrible is happening.”–Grey’s Anatomy

 

One week ago, I had a terrible Saturday. It started out at 7am with a text from a friend—her daughter had stayed the night at a friend’s house and woke up crying wanting to come home. Her two younger children were sleeping. I was going to be babysitting at 9am, so she said she’d leave the house unlocked for me. I offered to go get her daughter so she wouldn’t have to wake her two babies. I made it to the house, got her daughter and headed back to take her home. She said she didn’t feel well, so I decided to take the turnpike to get her home faster. I got on the turnpike and was pulled over for going 75MPH in a 70MPH. The patrolman gave me a warning. I was so relieved. I got to the tollbooth and realized I had no change and I was too afraid to run the tollbooth.  I put my car in park, turned on my hazard lights and asked the car beside me for change for the toll. I told them I had a sick kid in the car and needed to get her home. The woman graciously gave me the eighty-five cents. I continued on my way, got my friend’s daughter home, and then stayed because it was time to watch her kids, while she took her oldest garage selling.

                She ordered pizza for lunch and after lunch I took off for home. I had a few hours to kill until I had to go get my mom from the airport. I watched a few episodes of Supernatural and then it was time to go get my mom. I got my mom—we drove out to our mechanic to pick up my car. It was originally supposed to cost $500—and it ended up costing $600 as they found out why my car was shaking so bad—motor mounts. I was bummed about being out $600.

           I got on the highway and began to make my way home. Here is where I was at this moment—I was going off about 16 hours of sleep in two weeks. I had not showered. I had already been up since 7am. I was hungry. I was oh, so very tired. I was being blinded by the dumb ass truck behind me with blinding LED lights. I thought I was exiting at my exit….NOPE! I got on the turnpike, AGAIN. And AGAIN, I had no change. I started to cry. I got to the tollbooth, put my car in park, turned on my hazards, and went to the car beside me. He gave me fifty cents. I just needed thirty-five more. I waited for about three minutes and then another car came. I asked them for thirty five cents with my eyes filled with tears and my voice shaking. They gave it to me. I thanked them over and over. I threw the money in the booth, the light turned green and I went. I got off at the first exit after the tollbooth—it was the only free one and I didn’t have the change for the ones after that. As I was driving home, my first thought was “I’m going to fix myself a big tall glass of vodka when I get home.”

           I got home, changed into my pajamas and fixed myself a tall, glass of Coke and vodka. No sooner had I sat down on my bed, I spilled my drink all over myself and my bed.  I cursed the entire time while I was ripping off my comforter and my sheets. I cursed under my breath as I walked through the house to throw it all in the washing machine. I cursed the entire time as I was taking off my wet pajamas and changing into new ones. I didn’t even bother to go get another Coke—I just drank the vodka straight out of the bottle I drank and I drank and I drank. It was the perfect drunken end to a terrible day.
It’s amazing how your body and brain function with limited sleep. It’s amazing how your emotions get way out of whack. It’s amazing how your perception is thrown off the grid.  It’s amazing how I could call that a terrible day, when in reality it really wasn’t. Sometimes I forget how lucky I am and how good I have it. Sometimes I forget I need to be thankful for what I do have.
       This world is full of people suffering from a lot more than getting on the toll road with no money. This world is suffering from a lot more than being out $600 for a car repair. I was ungrateful on my terrible day and realized that it could have been worse. I have it pretty damn lucky.

 

 

 

 

SONG BENEATH THE SONG

“The brain is the body’s most mysterious organ. It learns. It changes. It adapts. It tells us what we see….what we hear. It lets us feel love. I think it holds our soul. But no matter how much research we do, no one can really say how all the delicate grey matter inside our skull works.” –Grey’s Anatomy

There was a time in my life when I fell into an extremely dark place. My whole world changed around me. The energy was negative and I saw the world in shades of grey. I felt haunted by mysterious shadows ready to take my soul further into the dark place. I felt weighed down by doubt and insecurity. I was completely hopeless. There are things that I saw, things that I felt, and things that I heard that no other human being should ever experience.  To some, this may sound completely unbelievable. To me, I feel as if I sound completely insane writing this. But, it is true. It happened.During this time in my life, I had just experienced severe hurt, loss, and trauma. I felt inhuman. Was this whole dark place the mysterious workings of my brain and my heart’s lack of hope and love?

        Love. It is described as one of life’s strongest feelings. It is often said that love closely resembles the same power that hate does. Humankind would benefit from putting more effort into love than hate. Humans are the only species who kill their own kind. We lack compassion. We lack love. My most favorite description of love is found in the Bible, whether you believe in the Bible or not…I feel as if the description of love is what love should be. If this type of love was put into practice, what kind of world would we have? The verse reads like this:

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.”

 

I used to live my life in a box. There was left, right, up and down and that was it. There came a time when I broke out of the box and realized there was more than life in a box. I began to see the world for what it was and not what I was told it was. I began to see people for people. I became accepting of all walks of life, because no matter what we are all God’s children. I wanted (and will always want) to show the people of this world true compassion and true love, because let’s all face it—this world is full of evil and hate. I’m considered a deviant in my family—as I have strayed away from all that I used to know and was told. I am told to pray because it is wrong to be accepting of equal rights. I am told to pray because I do not vote for righteousness—and in the words of a great friend, “You are voting for a President, not the Pope.” I’ve learned to smile and walk away. It is not worth it. I will never see eye to eye with my family. I will never see eye to eye with a lot of my friends. I’m just here to say, that I am accepting and respecting of what one chooses to do. I just hope the leaders of our country can keep in mind that God gave us free will—and with that free will we should be allowed to choose how we live life.

 

 

The brain is the body’s most mysterious organ. It learns. It changes. It adapts.

I came out of darkness with me still intact. I came out of darkness with an understanding of life and love. I came out of darkness when all hope was lost. From darkness, I found music and songs beneath songs. From out of darkness, I decided to adapt to here and now and not what had passed.  The mere delicacy of the brain almost seems ironic to its mysteriousness. We are born with one brain. Why?  Who will ever know? I’ve learned. I’ve changed. I’ve adapted…maybe I need to thank my brain for opening my eyes and changing me for the better. Maybe I need to thank my brain for adapting to a world that so desperately needs to be shown love, compassion, and equality. Maybe I need to thank my brain for learning, and then in turn, teaching me humanity.

 

RISE UP

“Life is the most fragile, unstable, unpredictable thing there is. In fact, there’s only one thing about life we can be sure of…. it ain’t over, til it’s over.” –Grey’s Anatomy

I’d like to think that I will have no regrets at the end of my life. I’d also like to think, that at the end of my life, I would have accomplished all my goals. So far this year I’ve accomplished all my goals. I’ve stopped biting my nails, I’ve kept up with writing my blog, and I’m learning to play the piano.  The goals I have yet to accomplish… moving out of my current state and getting a new job—just might have to wait until 2013.

I am young, I am determined and I am sure whatever happens will be what was meant to be. At twenty-six years old, I have a whole life in front of me, waiting for me to discover it.
I’ve been working a lot lately on composing a bucket list, whether I am having a mid-twenties crisis, or I feel as if I am missing out on life—creating this list has allowed me to let down my guard and not to be so afraid. If I have a list of things I want to accomplish, maybe it will allow me to stop creating a small world for myself. I set my expectations low for myself—because I feel like I deserve half of what I have in life. Maybe it’s completely normal, maybe it is completely insane. Life has always seemed to work out in funny ways for me. I’m not moving forward—I’m not moving back---I’m just standing still. I’ve worked so hard since I graduated college to pay down my debt. I am proud to say I own my car and I have no credit cards. The only thing weighing me down is my college loans. On a completely fantasy side note, I’ve really got to find a sugar daddy.

I have not been able to cross of anything on my bucket list. Hopefully, here within the next few years I might be able to.

·         Swim with the dolphins

·         Surf

·         Scuba dive

·         Go to Ireland

·         Go to Hawaii

·         Go to Greece

·         Go to England

·         Go to Italy

·         Go to France

·         Kiss a baby penguin

·         Kiss a baby sea turtle

·         Show Katy Perry my tattoo: whether I meet her or she sees it on Twitter and says “thanks” that is all I want

·         Go on a cruise

·         See the Northern Lights

·         Go sailing

·         Ride a snowmobile

·         Go to the Ellen Show

·         Get a NOH8 photo

·         Go to Comic Con

·         Fall in love

·         Get married

·         Have children; adopt children

·         Go on a cross country road trip in an RV

·         Go to an NFL game

·         Go to a college football game

·         Go fishing in the ocean

·         Raise $10,000 for Charity

·         Do a marathon for Charity

I want my life to be something of value. My heart truly lies with helping people—being a person of love and hope and a helping hand. I want to live my life of love despite the hate in this world. I want to rise up above the “no, you can’t” and show them that I can. Life is unpredictable, unstoppable and you only get one life to live—as cliché as that phrase is. As Eminem says, “you only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow this opportunity comes once in a lifetime.”  

 

POKER FACE

“As babies… we were easy. One cry meant you were hungry, another you were tired. It’s only as adults that we become difficult. We start to hide our feelings, put up walls. It gets to the point where we never really know how anyone thinks or feels; without meaning to we become masters of disguise.”—Grey’s Anatomy

Sometimes it is so easy to pretend a feeling does not exist. Sometimes it is so easy to pretend a problem does not exist. You sit there in denial while the elephant in the room stares at you square in the face.

There are people in your life that make you walk on egg shells. You aren’t sure whether or not to tell them the truth for fear of setting them off. There are people in your life that don’t sugar coat it—and sometimes that is exactly what we need.
If we all lived live like Horton the elephant, maybe the world would be better off…”I said what I meant and I meant what I said an elephant’s faithful one hundred percent.”
             Sometimes without meaning to, or maybe deliberately meaning to—we wear disguises…the work disguise, the friend disguise, the family disguise. Some we have mastered—some we still fail at. Why do we still continue to put on masks? Like I said earlier, it is easier to pretend that something does not exist that to own up to what you feel. We pretend. We hide. It is easier to feel nothing than to feel everything.
I used to be a master at putting up walls—hiding from life, hiding from what I felt. I was the perfect actress—or so I thought. Eventually, the walls I built broke and all the secret and lies came spewing out like lava. Therapy became my refuge, and it has helped me to clean up so much of what I destroyed in hiding.

 A wise seven year old struggling with progeria once told Barbara Walters, “Be fabulous. Don’t let one thing ruin your life.”

Put away the mask. Hide the disguise. Own up to what you feel. Tear down the wall. Just be. Love fiercely. Allow yourself to feel—you’re not ridiculous. Someone somewhere has felt what you have felt at one moment or another. Take risks. Take chances.

Save the poker face for poker.  

DISARM

“Good thing life doesn’t come with a scalpel; because if it did, when things started to hurt, we would just cut, and cut, and cut. The thing is…. what we take away with a scalpel we can’t ever get back. So like I said…good thing.” –Grey’s Anatomy

Yesterday, I went to the mall with a good friend. We were in a popular jewelry store. There was a little girl about nine or ten years old about to get her ears pierced. I went to the back of the store to browse some more. When I returned, the little girl was crying. I walked over to her and her mother. I said, “It’s okay sweetheart. Look! I have a bunch of earrings. Getting your ears pierced is nothing. It only hurts for a second and then it’s over.” I asked her if she would want to hold my hand too. I told her that I was sure an ice cream cone afterward would make her feel better and I would buy it for her. She got her ears pierced. After about forty-five seconds of saying, “Ow.” She was happy and looking around the store. Her mother thanked me. I said, “No problem.” I told the little girl to enjoy her new earrings and that she was a part of a whole new club now—The Pierced Ears Club. She smiled at me.

The little girl was so frightened by the thought and the pain of the event—even when promised it would only hurt for a little while. I hate seeing kids scared or upset. When a baby fusses in the store, I offer a smile, a wave, play a game of “peek-a-boo.” Nine times out of ten—it works. The baby smiles and they’re happy. The little girl was comforted by her mother and my self…one perspective from a mother; one perspective from a kind stranger.

Most families I have babysat for call me ‘Mary Poppins.’ I can get their kids to obey. I am fun, yet I am stern and know when to discipline. Kids immediately know my limits and boundaries—and very rarely do they ever get crossed. I have amazing children that I care for and love. I get to be a blessing in their lives when it is most vital. I get to be a really cool friend and a positive influence. I get to be the silliness that every child should see in their young lives. I get to be a special person for them. It is totally rewarding. Childhood is such a beautiful thing.

Children are blessed to be limited to pain and suffering—at least most children get to be shielded from this.

No child should have to feel so lost and afraid—they only have one shot at childhood and it should be as carefree as possible. The hard stuff can come later.

Then again, maybe children should have some experience in pain and suffering—as they can learn “it only gets better.” There is no need to quit, give up, or cut away at the pain.

I was able to be a ray of hope for the little girl scared to get her ears pierced. That after the pain of the piercing—it would only get better. She took a chance of me and faced what she feared….for that she got rewarded with blue diamond earrings and an ice cream cone.

If I can be a positive influence in anyone’s life—show them that pain is temporary and preceding moments are filled with bliss, knowing you got through it—then that’s what I want my life to be....a ray of sunshine for anyone who wants to feel its warmth.