Right now, I
don't give two shits that I stink of bug spray, outside, and vodka.
Tonight, I felt alone. One hundred
percent alone. I spent time with my grandma and mother this afternoon. I turned
off my phone. Five hours later, I turned it on....nothing. No missed calls. No
text messages. Nothing. For a split second, I wanted to smash my phone into a
million pieces; and that scares me. It scares me that my emotions go from one
extreme to the next; and, I cannot control it. I blame myself daily for my lack
of friends and social life. It seems I'm pretty damn capable of running all the
good out of my life. Even when I was with my family this afternoon...I still
felt alone.
The thought of smashing my phone vanished
quickly and I just decided to keep it turned off. To me, it was better to know
it was off, silent from alerting calls and messages, than to sit there and wait
(in agony), for it to beep, "message received".
Tonight, I
laid underneath the sky and watched as one by one the stars turned on. Something
I'm thankful for, I live outside the city...almost in the country. There are so
many stars. The sun was still shining after 8:30pm. I grabbed a blanket, my
drink, and set up. I watched. I watched and I watched. The sky changed colors.
One by one, as if candles were being lit, the stars turned on. Some slowly,
some fast, and some would flicker--as if blinking to wake. I watched. I watched
the stars appear across the night sky.
For a moment, I fathomed infinity. I saw
the stars as my thoughts, my dreams, my hopes, my wishes, my wants, my desires...I
felt them. It may sound ridiculous but the stars smiled down at me and I smiled
at them. I felt small. I felt infinite. I felt as if everything I could ever
need or want was right there in the stars. Then, my face felt wet. I was
crying. I was crying because in my smile exchange with the stars, I was
breathing.
(Side note: To this day, it amazes me what breath/oxygen can do)
I was
breathing breathes that went out of my head and out the tips of my toes. I was
breathing and the world slowed down and my heart stopped hurting. I was smiling
with the stars, crying with the stars, and breathing with the stars. I looked
up one last time...and the stars were twinkling. Softly, they whispered
"everything is going to be alright. Hold fast to what you know. Hold
steady to what is true, be you and the rest will come through."
Okay?
Okay.
