Right now, I don't give two shits that I stink of bug spray, outside, and vodka.
Tonight, I felt alone. One hundred percent alone. I spent time with my grandma and mother this afternoon. I turned off my phone. Five hours later, I turned it on....nothing. No missed calls. No text messages. Nothing. For a split second, I wanted to smash my phone into a million pieces; and that scares me. It scares me that my emotions go from one extreme to the next; and, I cannot control it. I blame myself daily for my lack of friends and social life. It seems I'm pretty damn capable of running all the good out of my life. Even when I was with my family this afternoon...I still felt alone.
The thought of smashing my phone vanished quickly and I just decided to keep it turned off. To me, it was better to know it was off, silent from alerting calls and messages, than to sit there and wait (in agony), for it to beep, "message received".
Tonight, I laid underneath the sky and watched as one by one the stars turned on. Something I'm thankful for, I live outside the city...almost in the country. There are so many stars. The sun was still shining after 8:30pm. I grabbed a blanket, my drink, and set up. I watched. I watched and I watched. The sky changed colors. One by one, as if candles were being lit, the stars turned on. Some slowly, some fast, and some would flicker--as if blinking to wake. I watched. I watched the stars appear across the night sky.
For a moment, I fathomed infinity. I saw the stars as my thoughts, my dreams, my hopes, my wishes, my wants, my desires...I felt them. It may sound ridiculous but the stars smiled down at me and I smiled at them. I felt small. I felt infinite. I felt as if everything I could ever need or want was right there in the stars. Then, my face felt wet. I was crying. I was crying because in my smile exchange with the stars, I was breathing.
(Side note: To this day, it amazes me what breath/oxygen can do)
I was breathing breathes that went out of my head and out the tips of my toes. I was breathing and the world slowed down and my heart stopped hurting. I was smiling with the stars, crying with the stars, and breathing with the stars. I looked up one last time...and the stars were twinkling. Softly, they whispered "everything is going to be alright. Hold fast to what you know. Hold steady to what is true, be you and the rest will come through."