June 14

Right now, I don't give two shits that I stink of bug spray, outside, and vodka.

        Tonight, I felt alone. One hundred percent alone. I spent time with my grandma and mother this afternoon. I turned off my phone. Five hours later, I turned it on....nothing. No missed calls. No text messages. Nothing. For a split second, I wanted to smash my phone into a million pieces; and that scares me. It scares me that my emotions go from one extreme to the next; and, I cannot control it. I blame myself daily for my lack of friends and social life. It seems I'm pretty damn capable of running all the good out of my life. Even when I was with my family this afternoon...I still felt alone.

        The thought of smashing my phone vanished quickly and I just decided to keep it turned off. To me, it was better to know it was off, silent from alerting calls and messages, than to sit there and wait (in agony), for it to beep, "message received".

 

Tonight, I laid underneath the sky and watched as one by one the stars turned on. Something I'm thankful for, I live outside the city...almost in the country. There are so many stars. The sun was still shining after 8:30pm. I grabbed a blanket, my drink, and set up. I watched. I watched and I watched. The sky changed colors. One by one, as if candles were being lit, the stars turned on. Some slowly, some fast, and some would flicker--as if blinking to wake. I watched. I watched the stars appear across the night sky.

        For a moment, I fathomed infinity. I saw the stars as my thoughts, my dreams, my hopes, my wishes, my wants, my desires...I felt them. It may sound ridiculous but the stars smiled down at me and I smiled at them. I felt small. I felt infinite. I felt as if everything I could ever need or want was right there in the stars. Then, my face felt wet. I was crying. I was crying because in my smile exchange with the stars, I was breathing.

(Side note: To this day, it amazes me what breath/oxygen can do)

I was breathing breathes that went out of my head and out the tips of my toes. I was breathing and the world slowed down and my heart stopped hurting. I was smiling with the stars, crying with the stars, and breathing with the stars. I looked up one last time...and the stars were twinkling. Softly, they whispered "everything is going to be alright. Hold fast to what you know. Hold steady to what is true, be you and the rest will come through."

 

Okay?

 

Okay.

 

 

Twenty-Six: Missed Signs and Broken Opportunities

(I'm not asking whether or not you believe in signs from God; I'm just wanting to share something that has been weighing on my heart)

Several years ago, I was attending church camp as a youth leader and camp counselor. During one of the evening sessions, I was up at the alter praying and pouring my heart out to God. Just as we were asked to go back to our seats, I heard a voice say "Something amazing in your life will happen." The number 26 flashed really big on the wall. In my heart, I knew that it was a sign. For weeks, I struggled.....did it mean 26 days, 26 months, 26 weeks, 26 years, 26 years old?? I am 4 1/2 weeks away from turning 27 and my heart feels as though that amazing thing will not happen.

Before I starting writing this today, I had a strange thought.

Thought: If I was told today that I was pregnant....what would I do?
Conclusion: Abortion.

Years ago, I would never have been able to draw this conclusion. Abortion would have been totally out of the question. I was pro-life and sadly I cannot honestly say when and where my heart and mind began to feel pro-choice. As for many this topic is and always will be a source of conflict. Religion always influences the opposing side. And quite frankly, I wish religion could be left out of it.
      By saying, "I wish religion could be left out of it," I am not saying completely take God out of government....I am just saying the religious beliefs of any and all religions should not be opposed on individuals who chose not to follow.

It is known that God gave us all free-will. God created us for a specific purpose. God created us unique. If we are all to be the same, then why do we even exist?

For some reading this, you might be smiling and quietly cheering me on. For others reading this, your heart is sad and you will have begun to pray for me.

My personal and religious convictions should not oppress others. Therefore, I am pro-choice. I believe it is a woman's right to chose. With that being said, I do not believe in abortion as the only means for birth control....you keep getting pregnant--maybe you want to consider an alternative.

I am not going to be one who condemns. I am not going to be one who judges. If I have ever made anyone feel that way, please know I am truly, deeply sorry. As I wish that no one would ever condemn me or judge me for what I chose to believe in and do with my day to day life. God is the only one allowed to carry all that power.

From what I know, I might have missed out on God's "26" plan for my life. But, I'm leaving that up to God to decide when that will be. I still talk to him. I still pray. I just have not found the want, need, or desire to attend church and be apart of fellowship. If you ask me to attend church, I will just say no. My heart has been hurt too many times by those who proclaimed to live a Christ-like life. I grew sick of it and I said, "Enough."

My heart hurts for this world. My heart hurts for people. My heart hurts for future generations.
I am a compassionate person and just want peace, compassion, understanding, and equal rights.

I find comfort in music and sorrow in news. I find peace in nature. I find love in my family and friends, even when there is so much hate in this world.

GRANDMA GOT RUN OVER BY A REINDEER

“There’s an old proverb that says you can’t choose your family. You take what fates hand you. And like them or not, love them or not, understand them or not…you cope..”--Grey’s Anatomy

 This Christmas was probably one of my favorite Christmas’.  I was surrounded by family, friends, good food, and lots of love. What more could I have possibly wanted? Well, I have an answer to this: I want, more than anything, to have a relationship with my younger brother.  

            He has this chip on his shoulder that “the world is out to get me.” One glance or one small, insignificant thing said to him makes him blow up. I had said something to him (I cannot even remember what), he got up and left the room and started going off at me at the kitchen table. My aunt said to him, “You know Matt you can’t choose your family, so you will just have to tolerate them.” She is absolutely right.

          There are times when I want nothing more than to beat my family with a giant walking stick. They have this major obsession that I need to hurry up, find a boyfriend, get married, and have kids. I am perfectly fine living the single life. I am enjoying me—even if it is completely selfish, I am enjoying me. My family also has a major obsession with me finding and going to church. I am not really willing to discuss that at the moment. My relationship with God is between myself and God—no one else. When I feel the need to go to church and further that relationship with God, or restore that relationship with God—then I’ll go. But, for now—I’m just having a hard time figuring it all out. I still pray and talk to God—he knows my heart and he can be the judge. My family needs to back off.

Besides all the criticism for being single and not being a church-goer, I know that my family will be there to support me and help me 100%, whenever I need it. That’s what matters. The fighting doesn’t matter. The love and support and knowing I have someone who will always be there, does.

            My brother may never grow up or change. The chip on his shoulder just might grow into a boulder and I will never be able to have a relationship with him. I’ve tried to show interest in the things he likes, but he just won’t engage in the conversation. I’ve asked him to go somewhere fun with me, like the mall or out to eat and he hangs up the phone. It hurts and it’s sad that he doesn’t even want to try. I’m trying. My mom just keeps saying, “Just kill him with kindness.”

So, I will. I will never understand why he has chosen to be the way he is, but maybe someday—years down the road, he will change—and I will welcome him. He is my baby brother, after all.

A POEM

I did promise myself and my readers 52 weeks worth of blogging. I wanted to make it mostly a tribute to Grey's Anatomy, as I think some of the quotes from the show have affected my life. But, as I read the quotes....nothing sticks out. I went through my poetry folder. I found this poem, and for some odd reason it just "stuck out." Enjoy!

I’m stuck inside this room

Here without you

Chained to the walls

No light, only night

Breathing hard

Falling fast

Facing all my fears at once

 

Bring me back to the place, where the light never fades

Safe inside the arms of you

Is where I want to be

So, bring me back to that place

 

Running away from it all

Nothing left to fight for anymore

Loud roars to cover my cries

No one sees the “me” inside this room (take me away)

 

Bring me back to that place where I first saw your face

Safe inside the arms of you

Where the light never fades

Take me back to that place

 

                  -Written: July 31^st, 2005



Conversations with my 13 Year Old Self

   (Yes, I would like to credit my blog title to the P!nk song from her I'm Not Dead album)

 

I was cleaning out my closet the other day and I came across all of my old journals. I have kept a journal since I was about seven years old, as I have always found it therapeutic to write. I came across a journal that I kept from age twelve to age twenty-three.

      I read through it for a few hours and was heart-broken by the girl that I once was. There is so much anguish in my writing. I was a distraught teenager, just desperately trying to belong. I know that the thirteen year old me wants to blame my parents. The thirteen year old me wants to blame all the what nots, maybe’s, broken promises, and empty hopes. Being a teenager is one of the hardest things we experience in our lives. The sudden surge of hormones has you laughing one minute, crying the next, and before you know it you are so angry—you could scream. Maybe not every teenager felt this way, but I know I certainly did. I decided to share one of my journal entries from December 1^st, 1999.

                I know this was supposed to be a “grateful” journal, but now I think I want it to be a diary. I really haven’t had the time to sit down and write what’s really going on. So, now I have the chance…and I feel like it needs to be written.

This summer I tried to commit suicide…twice. I thought it would never happen to me, but it did. I don’t really know why I wanted to, but it was just mainly because I felt like I wasn’t loved, nobody listened to me and I felt lonely and desperate. I still have thoughts about it, about doing it. But, I don’t think God wants me right now. I mean all I have to do is….I DON’T KNOW!!!!! Another reason was because I was told, I couldn’t be an actress.

     If there was a way where I could put myself up for adoption, I would. You know all my parents do is yell, yell, YELL, YELL, YELL!!! I HATE IT!!! I wish I could live with Grandma. These past few weeks Aunt Chrissy asked me what I changed so much and what I was such a…..I can’t remember what she said.

Anyway, I wish I could move out for a few weeks away from my parents to find a way to be a better person and a way to respect them. Or, a way to find out something.

     Today, a teacher gave me a really sweet card about how she “wonders what the future holds for me,” and “how sweet I am in class.” If only my parents understood how I felt. If they could understand that I need to I get away. But, I CANNOT runaway. It’s not right. I do not know what to do.

 As you can see, I never succeeding in killing myself—even though I attempted it a few more times and eventually became a cutter—a terrible cutter, or just lucky that I have very few visible scars. Sometimes, I am constantly reminded of the thirteen year old me and how far that I have come along. I am happy. I have a good relationship with my parents now. I have a good family. I have amazingly, wonderful friends. I have a job—even though I hate it. I have enough money to pay bills and splurge a little—it is tough…but it is life. I have my health. I have a home.

    I sit here writing, I know that I am meant for something more than just the corporate job and a cubicle space…I believe I am meant to help others. I believe I am meant to share my story. I believe I am meant to write. I am a driven, passionate, hard working person—I will do everything in my power to accomplish my goals. My life is what it is and was what it was. I am not defined or know by my past---I just had to go through it to be who I am today….a beautiful, strong, confident woman who loves endlessly and stops at nothing. I am moving forward and not holding back. I am who I am. I have a right to be here. I have nothing to prove.

 



A Letter

I was thinking of my "Dog Sees God" family. I am very close to my three year anniversary of graduating college. I am reminiscing on my last semester in college---the best half of a year in a long time. I miss what I do not have anymore, but I look forward to what is to come. Here is a letter I wrote:

To my family of DOG SEES GOD,

I want to thank you for this amazing experience. It was wonderful watching the progression of the show since the first read through. What we have now, it is beautiful. It exceeds all expectations I had. Oh, how I wish that the world could see what we have created. Words and feelings are ineffable about how I feel about each and every one of you.
          I want each of you to promise me you will never stop doing what you are doing. Keep dreaming. Keep reaching. Keep wishing. I heard once on a beer commercial that “those brave enough to chase their dream will catch it.” It has stuck with me ever since. Go out and chase that dream. Work hard. Live, laugh, love, but above all hope. Do not ever give up hope, like that beautiful anonymous person in that letter almost did. Like I almost did.
            Like the anonymous person (in the letter), little pieces of my self were ripped away by situations in my life that a lot of people do not know about, and possibly never will.
You never know what another is going through, or how by some miracle you can be a witness to someone and change their life. And we had the awesome, wonderful chance to do just that.
     Theatre saved my life. It was a last resort, really and I wanted nothing to do with it.
I am so thankful I chose theatre. It gave me hope. It gave me…..me.
This is why we all must continue to do what we do. Live our lives striving to reach others, because contrary to what some believe theatre does have power to change.

       Each one of you has changed me for the better. How blessed I am to know you. How wonderful it is to be apart of this fabulous show and witness a miracle. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for the opportunity. Thank you for allowing my last collegiate theatre experience to be Dog Sees God.

Let me leave you with these favorite quotes of mine.

“Always do what you’re afraid to do.” –Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Creativity is allowing your self to make mistakes, art is knowing which ones to keep.”-Scott Adams

 “Acting is forever carving a statue of snow.”-Lawerence Barrett

“Beginnings are scary. Endings are usually sad, but it’s what’s in the middle that counts. So, when you find yourself at the beginning just give hope a chance to float up, and it will.”-Movie quote: Hope Floats

 

“If you don’t go after what you want, you’ll never have it. If you don’t ask, the answer is always no. If you don’t step forward, you’re always in the same place.”-Nora Roberts

So, go. Step forward. Hope. And never stop doing what you are doing. Create art. Live. Laugh. Love.

I love you all.

SONG BENEATH THE SONG

“The brain is the body’s most mysterious organ. It learns. It changes. It adapts. It tells us what we see….what we hear. It lets us feel love. I think it holds our soul. But no matter how much research we do, no one can really say how all the delicate grey matter inside our skull works.” –Grey’s Anatomy

There was a time in my life when I fell into an extremely dark place. My whole world changed around me. The energy was negative and I saw the world in shades of grey. I felt haunted by mysterious shadows ready to take my soul further into the dark place. I felt weighed down by doubt and insecurity. I was completely hopeless. There are things that I saw, things that I felt, and things that I heard that no other human being should ever experience.  To some, this may sound completely unbelievable. To me, I feel as if I sound completely insane writing this. But, it is true. It happened.During this time in my life, I had just experienced severe hurt, loss, and trauma. I felt inhuman. Was this whole dark place the mysterious workings of my brain and my heart’s lack of hope and love?

        Love. It is described as one of life’s strongest feelings. It is often said that love closely resembles the same power that hate does. Humankind would benefit from putting more effort into love than hate. Humans are the only species who kill their own kind. We lack compassion. We lack love. My most favorite description of love is found in the Bible, whether you believe in the Bible or not…I feel as if the description of love is what love should be. If this type of love was put into practice, what kind of world would we have? The verse reads like this:

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.”

 

I used to live my life in a box. There was left, right, up and down and that was it. There came a time when I broke out of the box and realized there was more than life in a box. I began to see the world for what it was and not what I was told it was. I began to see people for people. I became accepting of all walks of life, because no matter what we are all God’s children. I wanted (and will always want) to show the people of this world true compassion and true love, because let’s all face it—this world is full of evil and hate. I’m considered a deviant in my family—as I have strayed away from all that I used to know and was told. I am told to pray because it is wrong to be accepting of equal rights. I am told to pray because I do not vote for righteousness—and in the words of a great friend, “You are voting for a President, not the Pope.” I’ve learned to smile and walk away. It is not worth it. I will never see eye to eye with my family. I will never see eye to eye with a lot of my friends. I’m just here to say, that I am accepting and respecting of what one chooses to do. I just hope the leaders of our country can keep in mind that God gave us free will—and with that free will we should be allowed to choose how we live life.

 

 

The brain is the body’s most mysterious organ. It learns. It changes. It adapts.

I came out of darkness with me still intact. I came out of darkness with an understanding of life and love. I came out of darkness when all hope was lost. From darkness, I found music and songs beneath songs. From out of darkness, I decided to adapt to here and now and not what had passed.  The mere delicacy of the brain almost seems ironic to its mysteriousness. We are born with one brain. Why?  Who will ever know? I’ve learned. I’ve changed. I’ve adapted…maybe I need to thank my brain for opening my eyes and changing me for the better. Maybe I need to thank my brain for adapting to a world that so desperately needs to be shown love, compassion, and equality. Maybe I need to thank my brain for learning, and then in turn, teaching me humanity.

 

RISE UP

“Life is the most fragile, unstable, unpredictable thing there is. In fact, there’s only one thing about life we can be sure of…. it ain’t over, til it’s over.” –Grey’s Anatomy

I’d like to think that I will have no regrets at the end of my life. I’d also like to think, that at the end of my life, I would have accomplished all my goals. So far this year I’ve accomplished all my goals. I’ve stopped biting my nails, I’ve kept up with writing my blog, and I’m learning to play the piano.  The goals I have yet to accomplish… moving out of my current state and getting a new job—just might have to wait until 2013.

I am young, I am determined and I am sure whatever happens will be what was meant to be. At twenty-six years old, I have a whole life in front of me, waiting for me to discover it.
I’ve been working a lot lately on composing a bucket list, whether I am having a mid-twenties crisis, or I feel as if I am missing out on life—creating this list has allowed me to let down my guard and not to be so afraid. If I have a list of things I want to accomplish, maybe it will allow me to stop creating a small world for myself. I set my expectations low for myself—because I feel like I deserve half of what I have in life. Maybe it’s completely normal, maybe it is completely insane. Life has always seemed to work out in funny ways for me. I’m not moving forward—I’m not moving back---I’m just standing still. I’ve worked so hard since I graduated college to pay down my debt. I am proud to say I own my car and I have no credit cards. The only thing weighing me down is my college loans. On a completely fantasy side note, I’ve really got to find a sugar daddy.

I have not been able to cross of anything on my bucket list. Hopefully, here within the next few years I might be able to.

·         Swim with the dolphins

·         Surf

·         Scuba dive

·         Go to Ireland

·         Go to Hawaii

·         Go to Greece

·         Go to England

·         Go to Italy

·         Go to France

·         Kiss a baby penguin

·         Kiss a baby sea turtle

·         Show Katy Perry my tattoo: whether I meet her or she sees it on Twitter and says “thanks” that is all I want

·         Go on a cruise

·         See the Northern Lights

·         Go sailing

·         Ride a snowmobile

·         Go to the Ellen Show

·         Get a NOH8 photo

·         Go to Comic Con

·         Fall in love

·         Get married

·         Have children; adopt children

·         Go on a cross country road trip in an RV

·         Go to an NFL game

·         Go to a college football game

·         Go fishing in the ocean

·         Raise $10,000 for Charity

·         Do a marathon for Charity

I want my life to be something of value. My heart truly lies with helping people—being a person of love and hope and a helping hand. I want to live my life of love despite the hate in this world. I want to rise up above the “no, you can’t” and show them that I can. Life is unpredictable, unstoppable and you only get one life to live—as cliché as that phrase is. As Eminem says, “you only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow this opportunity comes once in a lifetime.”  

 

DISARM

“Good thing life doesn’t come with a scalpel; because if it did, when things started to hurt, we would just cut, and cut, and cut. The thing is…. what we take away with a scalpel we can’t ever get back. So like I said…good thing.” –Grey’s Anatomy

Yesterday, I went to the mall with a good friend. We were in a popular jewelry store. There was a little girl about nine or ten years old about to get her ears pierced. I went to the back of the store to browse some more. When I returned, the little girl was crying. I walked over to her and her mother. I said, “It’s okay sweetheart. Look! I have a bunch of earrings. Getting your ears pierced is nothing. It only hurts for a second and then it’s over.” I asked her if she would want to hold my hand too. I told her that I was sure an ice cream cone afterward would make her feel better and I would buy it for her. She got her ears pierced. After about forty-five seconds of saying, “Ow.” She was happy and looking around the store. Her mother thanked me. I said, “No problem.” I told the little girl to enjoy her new earrings and that she was a part of a whole new club now—The Pierced Ears Club. She smiled at me.

The little girl was so frightened by the thought and the pain of the event—even when promised it would only hurt for a little while. I hate seeing kids scared or upset. When a baby fusses in the store, I offer a smile, a wave, play a game of “peek-a-boo.” Nine times out of ten—it works. The baby smiles and they’re happy. The little girl was comforted by her mother and my self…one perspective from a mother; one perspective from a kind stranger.

Most families I have babysat for call me ‘Mary Poppins.’ I can get their kids to obey. I am fun, yet I am stern and know when to discipline. Kids immediately know my limits and boundaries—and very rarely do they ever get crossed. I have amazing children that I care for and love. I get to be a blessing in their lives when it is most vital. I get to be a really cool friend and a positive influence. I get to be the silliness that every child should see in their young lives. I get to be a special person for them. It is totally rewarding. Childhood is such a beautiful thing.

Children are blessed to be limited to pain and suffering—at least most children get to be shielded from this.

No child should have to feel so lost and afraid—they only have one shot at childhood and it should be as carefree as possible. The hard stuff can come later.

Then again, maybe children should have some experience in pain and suffering—as they can learn “it only gets better.” There is no need to quit, give up, or cut away at the pain.

I was able to be a ray of hope for the little girl scared to get her ears pierced. That after the pain of the piercing—it would only get better. She took a chance of me and faced what she feared….for that she got rewarded with blue diamond earrings and an ice cream cone.

If I can be a positive influence in anyone’s life—show them that pain is temporary and preceding moments are filled with bliss, knowing you got through it—then that’s what I want my life to be....a ray of sunshine for anyone who wants to feel its warmth.

WITH YOU I'M BORN AGAIN

“When we say things like ‘people don’t change,’ it drives scientist crazy; because, change is literally the only constant in all of science. Energy, matter, it’s always changing. Morphing. Merging. Growing. Dying.  It’s the way people try not to change that is unnatural. The way we cling to what things were, instead of letting them be what they are. The way we cling to old memories, instead of forming new ones.”—Grey’s Anatomy

I have this memory of being completely surrounded by love. I have never felt more accepted in my life than when I was in college. As the time passes and the years grow longer from when I graduated, I still cling to this memory of love, acceptance, respect, and togetherness. College changed me for the better. I have changed for the better.
            I used to be this one way street walker. I was totally driven by conviction and what my family deemed as moral. I lived my life for others and all I found was misery in my strive for perfection.

I became a cutter and a risk taker. For once as the blood poured from my wrists, I was imperfect. I was wounded. I took large amounts of Tylenol PM hoping that when I drifted off to sleep, I wouldn’t wake up again. I was no longer able to live up to an expectation and I truly wanted to die. I had planned to kill myself, but at the last minute God reached down his arm and he saved me. I have shared this story before of how God saved me. I’m thankful I am here. I am beyond grateful for God and His saving grace.

        I’m not religious. I’m not spiritual. I have faith. I believe in God. I believe in the devil. I believe in Heaven. I believe in Hell. I’m just not a fan of the religious institutions. I believe that it is about a relationship. I do not have to sit and define my relationship with God to anyone. That is between Him and me.

I haven’t attended church in almost a year. I’m not sure where I stand anymore, as I’m struggling with everything I was ever told in church. After I left my home church of twelve years, to attend college, not one person ever reached out to talk to me (nor I to them--I was hurt). I thought church was about family and acceptance—but then again the church has proved me wrong. I have a feeling most of my church family has abandoned me because of my political stance. According to my family, you cannot be a Christian and be a democrat, liberal, or independent. I’m sorry, but just because one book says homosexuality is wrong—it gives me NO RIGHT to condemn anyone else or take away someone’s livelihood. I 1,5000%  support equality. Love is just love. Love isn’t gay love. Love isn’t black love. Love isn’t white love. Love knows no race, gender, color, or creed. As my eight year old cousin, eloquently put it, “Fish have love. Birds have love. Love is just love.”

My BFAX family was the closest thing true agape love and the closest thing to a real family. I didn’t have to prove anything to them. I could just be as I was. I grew to be a better person. I grew to be a better actress. I changed for the better because of the love I had and felt during my three and a half wonderful years as a part of the BFAX family. As we continue to grow, merge, morph into our adulthood—accept change. Be free to discoveries. Let old memories warm your heart and let new memories take hold of the present and the future

GOODBYE

“Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way.”

                                                                        -Grey’s Anatomy

There are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  Each stage looks different on every one, but there are always five stages.

      On August 7^th, 2000 I lost my Papa. He is the one regret in my life. He was an abusive alcoholic. As a child, I was innocent and only knew but to love him. As a teenager, I was angry at him. His mental instability forced my Grandma to come live with us. There are times I remember, going over to the house, to check on him with my parents. The house reeked of alcohol, feces, body odor, cigarettes, and rotten food. He lied on the floor covered in his own filth and blood too weak and too drunk to even get up. It was heartbreaking to see. Eventually, his body could not take anymore and he died.
     Before he died, my parents brought my brothers and me up to the Veteran’s Hospital to say “good-bye.” My brothers were first. As it came for my turn, a knot grew deep in the pit of my stomach. The man lying in that hospital bed was not my Papa. He was yellow. He was tiny. He looked like death. I leaned into his forehead, kiss his cheek and whispered good-bye. As I turned to leave, he grabbed my hand and with all and any strength he had left…he pulled me back to his bedside. He whispered, “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” I retracted my hand and quickly left the room. I sat in the lobby overwhelmed with emotions. I angrily waited for my parents to take me home. Three days later he passed away.
The only time I ever touched a dead body was when I went into the church for the funeral. I walked into the room, which held his casket. I touched his hand. I kissed his face and in his ear I whispered, “I forgive you.”A “forgive you” that came too late, but I had to say it. I had to hope on some level of a miracle, he would hear me.
The only time I have ever been to a military funeral was my Papa’s. I cried as they folded the flag. I cried when they handed the flag to my Grandma. I cried when my cousin played TAPS. I cried as they shot their rifles into the grey sky. As the last shot rang out, the tears stopped. Life moved on and I no longer missed him.Here’s the funny thing about grief, just when you think you are over it. It comes back full force.

Christmas the following year came fast. We were at Grandma’s house. We ate a wonderful Christmas dinner and shortly after began to open presents. I sat in my usual spot on the couch. I looked down on the floor, expecting to see my Papa there, lying on his big brown pillow. I looked and smiled… hoping he would see me smiling at him and there was nothing there but carpet. I got up and ran to the den, bursting into tears. I was sobbing uncontrollably and screaming, “He’s gone! He’s gone! He’s gone!” The family overheard, came into the den to comfort me and we all just sat there, holding one another and crying. It took me a whole year to accept the fact that Papa was gone. He was not coming back. There would no longer be the big brown pillow on the floor holding up his body. It was bare. It was empty. He was gone. He was gone.

           Family was always the one constant in my life. Suddenly, that constant changed. Life changed…I changed. I quickly realized that nothing in life is constant. It is forever changing; forever shifting; forever morphing. I cherish the moments of constancy; as I never know when life will shift and be thrown off balance. Life can change in an instant. Love life; live life in the here and now—“go live your freaking life.”

 

SCARS AND SOUVENIRS

“Maybe our old wounds teach us something….they remind us of where we’ve been and what we’ve overcome. They teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future.”

                                                                                                            -Grey’s Anatomy

At first glance you would not see them, maybe even after a second or third glance you still wouldn’t see them; but, I know they are there. If I held out my palms to you and you carefully glanced in good lighting, you would see the self-inflicted wounds of escape. The wounds of my teenage years are ever so lightly sketched on my wrists. 
               As a teenager, I was a cutter. I never cut too deep, only enough to draw a little blood and cause minimal pain. The blood was almost the screams I couldn’t scream. I would raise my hands and let the blood pour down my arms to my elbows until it reached the floor. As sick and twisted as this may seem, the cathartic release you get when you press the knife to your skin, is only something a fellow cutter would understand.
I cut for about two years off and on; then, once I realized life wasn’t so bad and it was only going to get better I stopped. Embarrassed by the marks I had caused I wore bracelet and long sleeved shirts…I did anything I possibly could to cover up my scars.
This all took place over ten years ago. I am much wiser. I am much stronger. As a lyric in a P!nk song goes, “I wouldn’t trade the pain for what I’ve learned.” And I truly wouldn’t.
I have a story to tell. I have people that I need to help. There is so much hurt and pain in this world, if I can be a living example to someone else that no matter what you fight, maybe this world will not lose another person to suicide.
            The tattoo on my shoulder is my symbol, a reminder I wish I had when I was struggling. But, now I can share this beautiful work of art on my body as a reminder. I have Katy Perry to thank for the beautiful lyrics, “You’re original, cannot be replaced.” I put a lot of thought into this tattoo before I went and had it inked on me forever. I wish I could snap a picture of it, put it on a card, and send it to the world.
I want to get another tattoo. I want to get a tattoo on my wrists. I want it to read, “I am who I am. I have nothing to prove.” I am not a 100% sure if I want that or to quote P!nk again ( I love P!nk, okay?) “You’re perfect.” There is no way I could ever get “F**kin’ Perfect,” as much as the little devil in me is screaming yes.

            The tattoo isn’t something I am doing out of conceitedness, I am not that type of person. It is to serve as a reminder to myself and others, that no matter what we’ve been through we take the struggle, the pain, and the mess and turn it into a work of art.

So, friends and dear readers of my blog I leave you with this, if you are struggling please do not give up. There are people out there who care about you. I care about you. There are numbers you can call, centers you can visit…there is help. Life gets messy, but you can choose to turn the mess into the best and live your life to your full potential.

This Magic Moment

“If only life was just a dress rehearsal and we had time for do-overs. We’d be able to practice and practice every moment until we got it right. Unfortunately, every day of our lives is its own performance. It seems like even when we get the chance to rehearse, to prepare, and practice… we’re still never quite ready for life’s grand moments.” –GREY’S ANATOMY, Meredith

I take it back. I wish I could rewind time and change the outcome of that situation. I’m sure everyone has thought this more than once in their life. I know I have. I have made a mess of a lot of things in my past because life isn’t a dress rehearsal. I thought about this “life is a dress rehearsal,” idea and I have two outcomes. The real outcome and the fantasy outcome, both of which are seemingly appealing; yet we can only chose between one.

The fantasy outcome: Life is a dress rehearsal. A director sits on the sidelines of life and yells, “Cut! Redo,” or “Stop. Breathe. Try that again.” There are many instances in my life when I wish I could have had a do-over—situations I could have handled much better; yet in the moment I lost my better judgment and screwed up.

I messed up a relationship with my best friend. She was also a family member. We could spend hours on the phone talking about absolutely anything and nothing. We got along. We were very close. After college, she said I could move in with her, and we were both thrilled. Living together, however, changed everything. We didn’t fit with each other’s lifestyles. I just sort of left in anger and hurt instead of staying to resolve the situation. I screwed up. I get that. I hurt her. She hurt me. It’s over. It’s done with. I cannot change it. When my phone rings, sometimes I hope it’s her—calling to say “let’s make up.” It has been almost two years, so I’m slowly losing hope that anything will fix what I did.

I’ve learned from this, believe me. I’ve cried over this. It is one of my biggest regrets to date—I’m kind of hoping I don’t have anymore, but life throws curve balls all the time.

The real outcome is life ISN’T a dress rehearsal. There isn’t time for do-overs, cuts, stops…it is raw and it is live.  Even if I had the chance for life to be a dress rehearsal, I do not think I would choose that option. I like not knowing what is coming. Believe it or not, I like failing. I know it will make me stronger. Life is a moment of successions from failure and mistakes. P!nk wrote in a song, “I wouldn’t trade the pain for what I’ve learned.” I agree with this. However, painful life may be, however deep and real that mistake was—we move on. We learn. We put it in our back pocket and keep walking. I say “we” because so many of you reading probably just need to let go. Let go of that “thing” holding you back. Stop wishing life to be a dress rehearsal and just live for the magical moments it brings to us every day.

Staring at the Sun

“When it comes to our blind spots…maybe our brains aren’t compensating…maybe they’re protecting us.”

                                                                        -Meredith, Grey’s Anatomy

Have you ever stared at the sun for a really long time? Took too many pictures with a flash and see all these little white spots?

I did not want to write tonight. After an exhausting thirty minute cry session, I said “Fuck it, I’m going to sleep.” However, this quote is exactly why I was crying. Blind spots. No, not the blind spots we learned about in driver’s education…the blind spots in life.

            My brain can be best described as an overprotective mother. I know this because I’ve been so blind to the things that have really mattered in my life. Love, happiness, and a career. Because let’s face it; nowadays, you are not getting ANYWHERE without a career to pay those bills, and in my case those lovely loans from attending a private college. I wish my brain would stop protecting me, but maybe there is a reason to its madness. Maybe I’m just not ready.

Love. I dream of falling in love. I dream of being in love. I had a chance at real love when I was 18. I am talking butterflies, fireworks, homeruns, movie magic it was all that and more. I chickened out. I ran the other way and I lost him. This wonderful, perfect person who made everything about life worth living---okay, okay it sounds completely cheesy; but, I am being 100% honest. Thinking about him now and knowing where I would be today if I were with him, I’m not quite sure I want that life. I know I am nowhere near ready to be married or in a relationship. I’m still struggling with trust issues after a traumatizing sexual assault. I’ll get there one day. I will have that movie magic, real life, butterflies, and firework love. My brain is just protecting me until I am completely healed mentally, emotionally, and physically.

Happiness. If you ask anyone what they want in life or what they wish, most will answer “to be happy.” Happiness is available to anyone and they chose is yours. You can chose how your day goes and if unforeseen circumstances get in the way, you can control the outcome by how you will react. This makes me think of a quote I heard over and over by a college professor, “Control what you can control.” I can control my happiness. I am going to choose to be happy from this moment on. I’ve been blind to my happiness, my brain isn’t protecting me on this one—I have a job. I have friends. I have family. I am healthy. I am breathing. I am living. I cannot control my situation at this moment, but I can chose to be happy with what I have and know that there is more to come. 2012 is my year. 2012 is my year to be 100% happy with the life I have and will have. To live in the moment of here and now and not tomorrow or yesterday.

Career. I said at the beginning of the year that 2012 is my year to find a job in the entertainment field. As most of you know, I went to school for acting. I love acting. It is my true passion. I love art. I love writing—it is another one of my passions. I love being behind the scenes of a show. I love production. So, I’ve decided to be a writer/producer/actor/production management/stage management/director’s assistant/production assistant. My passion in life is to create, to evoke emotion, to entertain. It is an extremely hard career choice, I know this. I believe I have the passion and the drive to get me to that place—to that career I have always wanted. Whether, I am center stage, behind a camera, I just know I belonging in the arts. It may happen tomorrow, it may happen in a few weeks, it may happen in months---YEARS (well I hope not years)…I’M GOING TO GET THERE.

“When it comes to our blind spots…maybe our brains aren’t compensating…maybe they’re protecting us.”

The brain is the body’s most mysterious organ. I cannot say for sure when my brain will tell my heart that I’m ready to stop being protected—that it is okay to take a chance, to take a leap of faith to stare directly into the sun….with sunglasses, mind you. I don’t really want to go blind. Or see those annoying white spots.

But then again, maybe all this talk of love, happiness, and career is just my brain’s way of telling my heart that I’m just not ready for all that.  That I cannot change lanes just yet and crash into the SUV…and that protecting me is the best way until my opportunity comes to get into the other lane.

Untitled

Music comforts me when I need it most. It touches my heart. My mind overflows with emotions and I am no longer here, but in my dreams.
A place where all things are possible. A place where loves knows no limits. A place where there isn't any sorrow. A place where happiness is endless. A place where I can be me.
Me. I am nothing extraordinary.I still search for myself. I'll find it in the unexpected and unknown. I'll find it in the lives of others around me. Me.
I am but a simple girl. I've known grief, sorrow, and pain. I've known happiness, love, and peace. I've been selfish instead of self-less. I've hit rock bottom....rock bottom. I've felt like there was noting left to live for. I've seen darkness and allowed it to fire every fiber of my being. It blinded my spirit until there was nothing left, but a million broken pieces. I've shunned my faith when it was my only hope. I...me....I am nothing special.
Yet, when I see where I've come from...I know I am something. Each road I took lead me to a place. Happy or sad. Bright or dark. Each stumble, I picked myself back up again and along the way I learned of love, hope, faith, and peace. I am strong, beautiful, and confident. Mistakes are but scars, barely noticeable, yet life changing.
I am loved. I love. I live my life. There is still so much to find, so much more to learn, experience, and discover.
Journeys are all about discoveries. My journey will be amazing. I have the love of friends and family. Love keeps you going. It lights the path of each journey I embark on. Inspiration, faith, hope, and love guide my heart.