Twenty-Six: Missed Signs and Broken Opportunities

(I'm not asking whether or not you believe in signs from God; I'm just wanting to share something that has been weighing on my heart)

Several years ago, I was attending church camp as a youth leader and camp counselor. During one of the evening sessions, I was up at the alter praying and pouring my heart out to God. Just as we were asked to go back to our seats, I heard a voice say "Something amazing in your life will happen." The number 26 flashed really big on the wall. In my heart, I knew that it was a sign. For weeks, I struggled.....did it mean 26 days, 26 months, 26 weeks, 26 years, 26 years old?? I am 4 1/2 weeks away from turning 27 and my heart feels as though that amazing thing will not happen.

Before I starting writing this today, I had a strange thought.

Thought: If I was told today that I was pregnant....what would I do?
Conclusion: Abortion.

Years ago, I would never have been able to draw this conclusion. Abortion would have been totally out of the question. I was pro-life and sadly I cannot honestly say when and where my heart and mind began to feel pro-choice. As for many this topic is and always will be a source of conflict. Religion always influences the opposing side. And quite frankly, I wish religion could be left out of it.
      By saying, "I wish religion could be left out of it," I am not saying completely take God out of government....I am just saying the religious beliefs of any and all religions should not be opposed on individuals who chose not to follow.

It is known that God gave us all free-will. God created us for a specific purpose. God created us unique. If we are all to be the same, then why do we even exist?

For some reading this, you might be smiling and quietly cheering me on. For others reading this, your heart is sad and you will have begun to pray for me.

My personal and religious convictions should not oppress others. Therefore, I am pro-choice. I believe it is a woman's right to chose. With that being said, I do not believe in abortion as the only means for birth control....you keep getting pregnant--maybe you want to consider an alternative.

I am not going to be one who condemns. I am not going to be one who judges. If I have ever made anyone feel that way, please know I am truly, deeply sorry. As I wish that no one would ever condemn me or judge me for what I chose to believe in and do with my day to day life. God is the only one allowed to carry all that power.

From what I know, I might have missed out on God's "26" plan for my life. But, I'm leaving that up to God to decide when that will be. I still talk to him. I still pray. I just have not found the want, need, or desire to attend church and be apart of fellowship. If you ask me to attend church, I will just say no. My heart has been hurt too many times by those who proclaimed to live a Christ-like life. I grew sick of it and I said, "Enough."

My heart hurts for this world. My heart hurts for people. My heart hurts for future generations.
I am a compassionate person and just want peace, compassion, understanding, and equal rights.

I find comfort in music and sorrow in news. I find peace in nature. I find love in my family and friends, even when there is so much hate in this world.

SONG BENEATH THE SONG

“The brain is the body’s most mysterious organ. It learns. It changes. It adapts. It tells us what we see….what we hear. It lets us feel love. I think it holds our soul. But no matter how much research we do, no one can really say how all the delicate grey matter inside our skull works.” –Grey’s Anatomy

There was a time in my life when I fell into an extremely dark place. My whole world changed around me. The energy was negative and I saw the world in shades of grey. I felt haunted by mysterious shadows ready to take my soul further into the dark place. I felt weighed down by doubt and insecurity. I was completely hopeless. There are things that I saw, things that I felt, and things that I heard that no other human being should ever experience.  To some, this may sound completely unbelievable. To me, I feel as if I sound completely insane writing this. But, it is true. It happened.During this time in my life, I had just experienced severe hurt, loss, and trauma. I felt inhuman. Was this whole dark place the mysterious workings of my brain and my heart’s lack of hope and love?

        Love. It is described as one of life’s strongest feelings. It is often said that love closely resembles the same power that hate does. Humankind would benefit from putting more effort into love than hate. Humans are the only species who kill their own kind. We lack compassion. We lack love. My most favorite description of love is found in the Bible, whether you believe in the Bible or not…I feel as if the description of love is what love should be. If this type of love was put into practice, what kind of world would we have? The verse reads like this:

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.”

 

I used to live my life in a box. There was left, right, up and down and that was it. There came a time when I broke out of the box and realized there was more than life in a box. I began to see the world for what it was and not what I was told it was. I began to see people for people. I became accepting of all walks of life, because no matter what we are all God’s children. I wanted (and will always want) to show the people of this world true compassion and true love, because let’s all face it—this world is full of evil and hate. I’m considered a deviant in my family—as I have strayed away from all that I used to know and was told. I am told to pray because it is wrong to be accepting of equal rights. I am told to pray because I do not vote for righteousness—and in the words of a great friend, “You are voting for a President, not the Pope.” I’ve learned to smile and walk away. It is not worth it. I will never see eye to eye with my family. I will never see eye to eye with a lot of my friends. I’m just here to say, that I am accepting and respecting of what one chooses to do. I just hope the leaders of our country can keep in mind that God gave us free will—and with that free will we should be allowed to choose how we live life.

 

 

The brain is the body’s most mysterious organ. It learns. It changes. It adapts.

I came out of darkness with me still intact. I came out of darkness with an understanding of life and love. I came out of darkness when all hope was lost. From darkness, I found music and songs beneath songs. From out of darkness, I decided to adapt to here and now and not what had passed.  The mere delicacy of the brain almost seems ironic to its mysteriousness. We are born with one brain. Why?  Who will ever know? I’ve learned. I’ve changed. I’ve adapted…maybe I need to thank my brain for opening my eyes and changing me for the better. Maybe I need to thank my brain for adapting to a world that so desperately needs to be shown love, compassion, and equality. Maybe I need to thank my brain for learning, and then in turn, teaching me humanity.