Pay It Forward

“Doesn’t matter how tough we are, trauma always leaves a scar. It follows us home. It changes our lives. Trauma messes everybody up, but maybe that’s the point. All the pain and the fear and the crap…maybe going through all of that, is what keeps us moving forward. It’s what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up before we step up.”

                                                                                                                                                                                -Grey’s Anatomy

If you were to look at me closely, you would see a pretty girl. If you were to look at me closely, you would see the color of my eyes, the shape of my face, and the warmth in my smile.  At a first glance, or a second glance I am seem normal. But, if you were to break me down piece by piece each piece would tell a story.

               

“Trauma always leaves a scar.”

 To me some scars are visible and invisible. I have both.

“Trauma messes everybody up, but maybe that’s the point.”

I would never wish my pain and experiences on anyone else, even though I know there are several people in this world that might have gone through a similar situation. I had terrible things happened. I thought terrible things. I felt worthless, abused, misunderstood, lost, forgotten, hurt. My trauma in life won’t be the same as the next person, or the next.  We are individuals, and the beauty in life is that no one person is the exact same. The beauty in pain is that somehow, somewhere there is always light. A point to the pain  and a solution to the pain.  

“All the pain and the fear and the crap…maybe going through all of that, is what keeps us moving forward. It’s what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up before we step up.”

To quote a P!nk song, “I wouldn’t trade the pain for what I’ve learned;” I truly and honestly can say I wouldn’t trade it. I was beaten, broken, and messed up, but I got through it. I am stronger for it. I am alive. I can share my story with other’s to let them know there is hope. There is love. There are people who care for them. I really do believe there is a purpose for the good and the bad. Sometimes we may not understand, and it is okay to ask “why?” It is okay to ask for help.

I finally did. I am in therapy now for my “trauma” and we (my therapist and I) have discussed other past events in my life, so that I can completely heal. I have a tremendous passion for people. I’m a compassionate human being with an everlasting love to reach out to others. I care about humanity. I care about the people of the future. If I can share one little part of me, maybe it can go on, and on, and on….and help those who most need it. I can pay it forward.

Boundaries

"You need boundaries between you and the rest of the world. At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in." -Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy

I am completely guilty of setting up too many boundaries in my life. I am fenced in. Trapped. 
I do not date for fear of getting hurt. Boundary. I do not trust men because of traumatic event. Boundary. I have trust issues. Boundary. I do not take risks for fear of failing. Boundary. This list could go on for a good majority of this blog, but for time's sake I'm going to stop. 

There are moments in life when boundaries are acceptable. In my opinion, boundaries work for beginnings of relationships, marriage, and starting a family. There are more boundaries that are acceptable, yet this was all I could think of.

Boundaries eliminate risks. Boundaries draw lines between yourself and whatever it is you are trying to hide from. Eventually, boundaries fence you in. We cannot eliminate all risks in life. We cannot eliminate all boundaries in life. Some point in time, you will have to cross a boundary previously set up. Of course, it will take time. Courage. Strength. Ambition.

I believe boundaries are set up out of fear of something terrible happening. Look at my boundaries: dating, trust, men, failure. The boundaries in my life are set up out of fear. I live in a fence made of fear. It is time to take the fence down. Not all at once....piece by piece.

As Meredith Grey says next, "So, you can waste your life drawing lines, or you can live your life crossing them."

I am going to live my life crossing lines, and not drawing them. I am going to tear down my boundary fence--post by post. It might take weeks, months, years....but the walls are coming down.

I encourage you to look at the boundaries in your life. Re-evaluate. And maybe, you too can tear down the boundary wall and join me---crossing lines.

Jen

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Music comforts me when I need it most. It touches my heart. My mind overflows with emotions and I am no longer here, but in my dreams.
A place where all things are possible. A place where loves knows no limits. A place where there isn't any sorrow. A place where happiness is endless. A place where I can be me.
Me. I am nothing extraordinary.I still search for myself. I'll find it in the unexpected and unknown. I'll find it in the lives of others around me. Me.
I am but a simple girl. I've known grief, sorrow, and pain. I've known happiness, love, and peace. I've been selfish instead of self-less. I've hit rock bottom....rock bottom. I've felt like there was noting left to live for. I've seen darkness and allowed it to fire every fiber of my being. It blinded my spirit until there was nothing left, but a million broken pieces. I've shunned my faith when it was my only hope. I...me....I am nothing special.
Yet, when I see where I've come from...I know I am something. Each road I took lead me to a place. Happy or sad. Bright or dark. Each stumble, I picked myself back up again and along the way I learned of love, hope, faith, and peace. I am strong, beautiful, and confident. Mistakes are but scars, barely noticeable, yet life changing.
I am loved. I love. I live my life. There is still so much to find, so much more to learn, experience, and discover.
Journeys are all about discoveries. My journey will be amazing. I have the love of friends and family. Love keeps you going. It lights the path of each journey I embark on. Inspiration, faith, hope, and love guide my heart.