GRANDMA GOT RUN OVER BY A REINDEER

“There’s an old proverb that says you can’t choose your family. You take what fates hand you. And like them or not, love them or not, understand them or not…you cope..”--Grey’s Anatomy

 This Christmas was probably one of my favorite Christmas’.  I was surrounded by family, friends, good food, and lots of love. What more could I have possibly wanted? Well, I have an answer to this: I want, more than anything, to have a relationship with my younger brother.  

            He has this chip on his shoulder that “the world is out to get me.” One glance or one small, insignificant thing said to him makes him blow up. I had said something to him (I cannot even remember what), he got up and left the room and started going off at me at the kitchen table. My aunt said to him, “You know Matt you can’t choose your family, so you will just have to tolerate them.” She is absolutely right.

          There are times when I want nothing more than to beat my family with a giant walking stick. They have this major obsession that I need to hurry up, find a boyfriend, get married, and have kids. I am perfectly fine living the single life. I am enjoying me—even if it is completely selfish, I am enjoying me. My family also has a major obsession with me finding and going to church. I am not really willing to discuss that at the moment. My relationship with God is between myself and God—no one else. When I feel the need to go to church and further that relationship with God, or restore that relationship with God—then I’ll go. But, for now—I’m just having a hard time figuring it all out. I still pray and talk to God—he knows my heart and he can be the judge. My family needs to back off.

Besides all the criticism for being single and not being a church-goer, I know that my family will be there to support me and help me 100%, whenever I need it. That’s what matters. The fighting doesn’t matter. The love and support and knowing I have someone who will always be there, does.

            My brother may never grow up or change. The chip on his shoulder just might grow into a boulder and I will never be able to have a relationship with him. I’ve tried to show interest in the things he likes, but he just won’t engage in the conversation. I’ve asked him to go somewhere fun with me, like the mall or out to eat and he hangs up the phone. It hurts and it’s sad that he doesn’t even want to try. I’m trying. My mom just keeps saying, “Just kill him with kindness.”

So, I will. I will never understand why he has chosen to be the way he is, but maybe someday—years down the road, he will change—and I will welcome him. He is my baby brother, after all.

IF ONLY YOU WERE LONELY

“You can seek the advice of others, surround yourself with trusted advisors, but in the end the decision is always yours and yours alone. And when it is time to act and you’re all alone with your back up against the wall, the only voice that matters is the one in your head. The one telling you what you probably already knew. The one that’s almost always right.” –Grey’s Anatomy

This week I’m on trial. I’m facing charges of lack of intimacy and male companionship, attending college and getting a degree I am currently not using, and having too much debt. When life throws a curve ball, I seem to catch it square in the face. I’d like to take a further look into these charges; after all I am the only one defending myself.

 

Charge 1: Lack of intimacy and male companionship.

Exhibit A: Conversation (While I was texting on my phone)
Prosecutor: Do boys text you?
Me: No
Prosecutor: Do you text boys?
Me: No.
Prosecutor (disgusted look across face, condescending tone): Well….WHY?

 I have no idea why my lack of dating is directly correlated to my sexual preference. There is no man in my life presently, therefore I must be gay. I have never really dated. I have never had a boyfriend. I have my reasons. I do not trust most men/guys/boys. I went through a trauma which has made it difficult to allow myself to open up and consider dating. I’m working on it. I am healing the broken pieces to make myself whole again. How can I expect to be in a relationship and share myself with that person, if I am not complete myself? I was told that whatever you have on your list for a potential mate, you better be sure you can be and have those qualities too.

I am not perfect, nor will I ever be. I just want to make sure I am not settling for anything less than the best, because that is what I know I deserve. This charge comes from an unhappy, bitter divorcee—so I guess I should consider my source.

Charge 2: Attending college and getting a degree that is not being used

I went to college knowing full well it would be hard to get a job with my degree; yet, it did not stop me. I have had a passion for the arts and entertainment since the day I was born. I have always had a fascination with film, television and the theatre. I knew that I was meant to act, write, produce, and direct. For those who may be curious, or not already know, I received a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Acting. However, in college (and always) when I wasn’t cast in a show, I offered to lend a hand to the technical side and enjoyed it just as much as acting. After college, I moved to a place where I tried out theatre, film, and TV. I got some jobs and some work, but my living situation was not working, so I moved home. I had to quickly find a job to support me and be able to pay back my student/private loans. I got a job—two and a half years later, I am still here. I may not be acting, but I am expressing myself creatively. I write. I play piano. I paint. I am always looking for acting opportunities and submitting myself for commercials and local films. I am always looking for new plays and monologues. I am one of millions of people attempting to work in the entertainment industry. If I get a break one day, then that will be fabulous. If not, I will continue to work in this field because I am passionate about no matter how big or small the job is.

Charge 3: Having too much debt

I have a dream car. This dream car is solely based on my love for the TV show Supernatural. This dream car is a 1967 Chevy Impala, color black. I was searching through the classifieds the other day, during lunch, and I found one for $6,000. It may be green, but I could get it painted. I said, “I found my dream car for $6,000.” My supervisor made this snide comment, “You can have that car in twenty years when you pay off your student loans or when President Obama takes care of them for you.” I wanted to tell my supervisor, “I had no idea my financial situation was such a burden to you or any of your business.” I went to a private college, knowing full-well of the financial burden it would be. I knew it would be a struggle and there would be times when I would let myself regret the decision. But, I would not trade the friendships I have for the money it cost. The money I spent on college is completely worth the financial burden. I have support systems all over the United States, and I am sure wherever I end up—someone will be there to have my back. That’s true friendship…that is family.

            I’d like to add that my college debt is my only debt. I have no credit cards. I own my car. My school debt is all I have. Yes, it is a lot of money—but I’m paying it back and learning responsibility. I have a pretty strict budget that I follow and I rarely break this budget. Being at this job for the past two and a half years, I have learned what it will take for me to be able to survive on my own somewhere else. I know how much money I will need to make and I feel I am pretty responsible with my money, that I will be able to make wise decisions and not have to ask for help or assistance from anyone.

 

Sometimes I feel like I need to say, “Until you have walked a mile in my shoes, you cannot even begin to judge me or have any say in what I do or do not do.” I rarely seek the advice from family, with the exception of my parents. My family just does not understand me. My family did not help me decide on college. My family does not/will not/could not help me decide on my love life. My family will not and should not have any say in my debt or what I do with my money.

            My college friends are probably the highest of my trusted advisors. They understand the burdens and financial hardships. They understand the realization of working to survive and putting that acting career on the back burner or finding other creative outlets, or completely different careers. I am proud of all of them. No matter what.

It seems like there has been a lot of negativity thrown my way this week. I have felt the need to justify my life and decisions, when truly…I do not need to justify myself to anyone. The decision is mine and mine alone to decide what I do with my life. I may not always listen to the positive voice inside me, but I know it’s in there. You can do this. You can do this. That’s the voice I want to always listen to, because as Meredith Grey says it’s “the one that is almost always right.”

When I have extra money, I want to get tattooed on my wrist. I am who I am. I have a right to be here. I have nothing to prove. I feel like this quote will be my constant reminder that although the world may judge and question my presence, I know who I am. I know I have a right to live freely and happily. And finally, I know that I will have nothing to prove.

DESIRE

“Desire can wreck your life; but, as tough as wanting something can be…the people who suffer the most are those who don’t know what they want.”—Grey’s Anatomy

 Last week, I was overwhelmed with the desire to return to school.  I wanted to be a pediatric nurse. I wanted to be a doctor. I wanted to be an FBI agent. I wanted to be a lawyer. I wanted to be a counselor. I wanted to get a second degree in theatre and/or acting.

       Today, I have the overwhelming desire to move out of the current state I live in and to somewhere where I can work and pursue acting, writing, production work, etc.
It is almost as if I truly do not know what I want in my life anymore. There are days I consider finally opening my heart and start to date. There are days when I shudder at the fact of having children and days when I cannot wait to be a mom.  Therefore, according to this quote, I am in the category of suffering—for not knowing what I want.

 It is dangerous (I feel) to live life by a plan—because as I’ve experienced in my short twenty-six years, nothing ever goes according to plan. I think life is best lived my setting goals and doing what you can to meet those goals.

For 2012, I set three goals: stop biting my nails, write a blog for an entire year, and get Katy Perry to see my tattoo.
I have accomplished two out of three. I have not bitten my nails once this year. I have written a blog a week for almost the entire year. This is blog forty-eight and I have to get to fifty-two. So, my last goal is to get Katy Perry to see my tattoo, whether I get to personal show her or she sees the picture on the internet—I just want her to see it.

I’m proud of myself. I used to be terrible at setting and accomplishing goals, so 2013, I feel will be another year of accomplishing more goals that I have.

Desire can be poison. As you can see, I had all these desires to return to school, but I didn’t act on that desire.
I constantly struggle with the fear of moving on and leaving behind what I know for fear of the unknown and uncertain.
My support system here is what keeps me together. The people here in my life make my life enjoyable and if I have to work a mediocre job that I loathe—it almost seems like the job should be tolerable. I know I cannot keep up with this and I need to continue to search for more and improve my life—because I know that I am meant for something more.

So, for 2013 my goals are: to move out of my current state, to get a new job, and to not hold back.

To not hold back seems pretty vague, I just want to not let fear hold me back. I do not want to miss out on wonderful opportunities because of fear. I want to be able to have regrets and make mistakes. I want to be able to enjoy life as much as possible while there is life to live.

I know my blogs are not good every week. I have good weeks and I have bad weeks, but it has never held me back from not writing. I know some people who read and some are complete strangers, yet I appreciate every single page view and every single comment. This blog has given me the confidence that maybe one day, I can pursue writing.

I was told since I was ten years old that I had a gift for writing. I think this is where my good desire lies; I have a desire to write always and always. Once again, I want to thank my readers. I am so elated with the good response I have received as it continually boosts my confidence that I have what it takes. Desire can wreck your life, but I think it also brings you possibilities to chase all of your dreams.

LOSING MY MIND

“Don’t wonder why people go crazy, wonder why they don’t. In the face of all we can lose in a day…in an instant…wonder what the hell it is that makes us hold it together.”—Grey’s Anatomy

 “I’m losing my mind!!” This is my cliché phrase as I frantically search for misplaced keys, misplaced paperwork, and most certainly my iPhone. The keys that were on your desk five minutes ago have suddenly and metaphorically walked away, yet they are found still hanging in the lock. The phone you are talking on is the phone you are looking for. The paperwork you are looking for is either in your hand; or, sitting right in front of you. It is moments like these, when I really consider that I am losing my mind.

            Last night, I left my keys to my home and office keys sitting on my office desk. I got home to unlock the door and began to dig through my purse. No keys. I knocked, and thankfully someone was home. Thankfully, when I got to work this morning, my keys were still sitting on my desk. Losing keys, losing your phone, losing paperwork is pretty minimal compared to what most people can lose in a day. I do not want to address loss, as I am in a wonderful mood and am taking this blog writing in a completely different direction.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. It will be a Thanksgiving without my mom, who is up in Canada for a work project. I am sad that she won’t be there; but I am thankful for the friends and family that I will be spending Thanksgiving with.
         I remember countless Thanksgiving’s standing in a circle with loved ones, stating what we are most thankful for. Hoping that the tradition continues this year, I shall start early sharing what I am most thankful this year.
I am thankful for my health. I’ve been through a lot of health scares these past three years, and I finally feel as I am in control of my body.
I am thankful for my job. As much as I complain about my job, I am thankful I have a job that pays my bills and allows me to live. Granted, I live by limited means…I am living and comfortably satisfied with what I have.
I am thankful for my grandparents, who allow me to live with them and do not expect much. However, I do pay them rent and help out with any other expenses. I help cook, clean, and am there to watch the house when they leave for vacation.
I am thankful for my parents, who are always there. A couple months ago, I had to make a repair to my car. I did not have the $600. My parents borrowed it to me and I was able to work out a payment plan to pay them back. They sometimes still spoil me with random shopping trips and take me out for lunch. As crazy as they make me, I love my parents.
I am thankful for my friends. Most of my friendships are purely through internet and phone contact, but I am thankful for those times when I know I could totally count on them to help me out. I am thankful for running into old high school friends—and having the ability to reconnect. My friends have been more a part of my life than my extended family. I trust that my friends know that I would do anything for them. I can always send a funny quote or picture to make them smile; or, be able to identify the quote of a random Facebook status.
I am thankful for “my person.” I am not sure I have ever referred to her as a friend—because, to me…she is more than that. I know that my Grey’s Anatomy obsession is totally showing right now, but she is the Cristina to my Meredith. We are totally insane—and I think that is what allows us to have such a good friendship. We have known each other for about eighteen years. I am, eight years older than her…but she has always said since she was very young, “I have the maturity and common sense of a thirty-year old.” She graduates high school in May. I have held off moving, because I cannot imagine living far away from her. Skype would not be enough.

            It is the simple things that keep me sane. It is the love of friends and family that make life less crazy, however ironically it is also what drives you crazy. Without family…without friends….I’m pretty sure my life would be a completely different story. A character on Boy Meets World put it best when he said, “Lose one friend. Lose all friends. Lose yourself.” So, friends and family thank you for keeping me together. In the face of all I could lose, my job, my friends, my family…the fact that I know love is coming from somewhere and I have that support system in place, makes me know I have what it takes to keep from falling apart.

PS: I am blown away by the number of reads my blog gets. I am thankful for all readers past and present. I hope to one day do this as a profession or write for television shows and movies. Or, maybe write for Ellen Degeneres.

START ME UP

“Nothing’s as easy as starting over. Nothing at all.” –Grey’s Anatomy

When high school ends, life into adulthood begins. You pick your college. You move out of the home you grew up in. You leave your family and friends behind for a brand new start. For four years (give or take), college is life and life is college….you explore, you expand, you search for you. You make friends, friends that eventually become your family. Then you graduate, move on to pursue your college degree. Change seems to be the only consistency in life and starting over is a part of it.
      Starting over can be scary and it isn’t easy; starting a new job, moving to a new city, starting a new life, moving away from the familiar and starting with the unfamiliar. I, knowing full well that change can be good and I can start over, I choose to stay stuck.
I read a quote once that said, “Strength shows not only in the ability to persist, but the ability to start over.”
       I know I have the power to start over; it is just a matter of knowing when the “right” time is. I use quotations around the word right, because in a sense there is never a right time.
It seems as if I write about moving on and following my heart almost every blog—but it’s true. Fear is a powerful thing. I fear of failure, I fear of missing out on my families’ lives and my friends’ lives. I fear of all the things I’ll leave behind.  I fear of having to start over.

So, I leave you with this:

Become your dream. Life your live and give yourself a chance to start over—even though there is nothing easier as starting over—just give it a try. You may like what you find when you do. Life is full of new beginnings if you take the chance.

GOLDEN HOUR

“How much can you actually accomplish in an hour? Run an errand…maybe. Sit in traffic? Get an oil change? When you think about it an hour really isn’t long. 60 minutes. 3600 seconds. That’s it.”—Grey’s Anatomy

In one hour I can shower, dry my hair, put on my make-up, straighten my hair, and get dressed.  There are times when I can get ready in just forty-five minutes if I’ve planned out my outfit.

It takes me one hour to write my blog every week. Sometimes I suffer from writer’s block, sometimes I just cannot think of words…I say it comes with the craft of writing.
        When I went to the gym—I went for exactly one hour….twenty minutes on the treadmill, ten minutes on the elliptical, fifteen minutes of weight lifting, and fifteen minutes of walking to cool down.  In that one hour, I was able to release mounds of tension and stress. I was able to shut out the world and focus on me.
            Life moves too fast. One minute you’re in high school and the next minute, you’re twenty-six years old, sitting home on a Thursday night writing a blog and watching Supernatural. Our society moves at the speed of light, figuratively speaking. There are those of us who watch life fly without taking the time to appreciate it. If people invested more time in themselves, maybe our world wouldn’t be so bad. There is good in this world, but there is also a lot of hurt, anger, and hate.  Maybe if people spent more time on self-reflection there would be less hurt in this world.
I am going to make a goal for 2013 to spend one hour on myself a week. Whether I treat myself to a facial, a massage, a nap, a relaxing bath…I’ve got to start making myself the best person…the person I know I can be.
   Once a month (now), I invest in myself by attending therapy sessions. I had a terrible thing happen to me and I buried it deep down for years—thinking I could just bury it so far down that it would eventually die or be forgotten. The thing with secrets is, somehow, somewhere; they come bursting to the surface like lava. Those “one hour” sessions have shaped me into a better person and began the healing process that I so desperately needed. One hour for me in 2013. I spend my time constantly working, helping others, picking up extra jobs—I do not hate a moment of it—I just can see the stress of it all wearing on me. I’ve always been the person who puts others before me. I have never put myself first. Now, maybe in 2013 I can. It’s not selfish—it’s necessary. I have got to take care of myself.

One hour. 60 minutes. 3600 seconds. Then it all starts again. And it’s nice to know that we get 24 tries in the day to get it right.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DARK WAS THE NIGHT

“I had a terrible day; we say it all the time. A fight with the boss, stomach flu, traffic. That’s what we describe as terrible when nothing terrible is happening.”–Grey’s Anatomy

 

One week ago, I had a terrible Saturday. It started out at 7am with a text from a friend—her daughter had stayed the night at a friend’s house and woke up crying wanting to come home. Her two younger children were sleeping. I was going to be babysitting at 9am, so she said she’d leave the house unlocked for me. I offered to go get her daughter so she wouldn’t have to wake her two babies. I made it to the house, got her daughter and headed back to take her home. She said she didn’t feel well, so I decided to take the turnpike to get her home faster. I got on the turnpike and was pulled over for going 75MPH in a 70MPH. The patrolman gave me a warning. I was so relieved. I got to the tollbooth and realized I had no change and I was too afraid to run the tollbooth.  I put my car in park, turned on my hazard lights and asked the car beside me for change for the toll. I told them I had a sick kid in the car and needed to get her home. The woman graciously gave me the eighty-five cents. I continued on my way, got my friend’s daughter home, and then stayed because it was time to watch her kids, while she took her oldest garage selling.

                She ordered pizza for lunch and after lunch I took off for home. I had a few hours to kill until I had to go get my mom from the airport. I watched a few episodes of Supernatural and then it was time to go get my mom. I got my mom—we drove out to our mechanic to pick up my car. It was originally supposed to cost $500—and it ended up costing $600 as they found out why my car was shaking so bad—motor mounts. I was bummed about being out $600.

           I got on the highway and began to make my way home. Here is where I was at this moment—I was going off about 16 hours of sleep in two weeks. I had not showered. I had already been up since 7am. I was hungry. I was oh, so very tired. I was being blinded by the dumb ass truck behind me with blinding LED lights. I thought I was exiting at my exit….NOPE! I got on the turnpike, AGAIN. And AGAIN, I had no change. I started to cry. I got to the tollbooth, put my car in park, turned on my hazards, and went to the car beside me. He gave me fifty cents. I just needed thirty-five more. I waited for about three minutes and then another car came. I asked them for thirty five cents with my eyes filled with tears and my voice shaking. They gave it to me. I thanked them over and over. I threw the money in the booth, the light turned green and I went. I got off at the first exit after the tollbooth—it was the only free one and I didn’t have the change for the ones after that. As I was driving home, my first thought was “I’m going to fix myself a big tall glass of vodka when I get home.”

           I got home, changed into my pajamas and fixed myself a tall, glass of Coke and vodka. No sooner had I sat down on my bed, I spilled my drink all over myself and my bed.  I cursed the entire time while I was ripping off my comforter and my sheets. I cursed under my breath as I walked through the house to throw it all in the washing machine. I cursed the entire time as I was taking off my wet pajamas and changing into new ones. I didn’t even bother to go get another Coke—I just drank the vodka straight out of the bottle I drank and I drank and I drank. It was the perfect drunken end to a terrible day.
It’s amazing how your body and brain function with limited sleep. It’s amazing how your emotions get way out of whack. It’s amazing how your perception is thrown off the grid.  It’s amazing how I could call that a terrible day, when in reality it really wasn’t. Sometimes I forget how lucky I am and how good I have it. Sometimes I forget I need to be thankful for what I do have.
       This world is full of people suffering from a lot more than getting on the toll road with no money. This world is suffering from a lot more than being out $600 for a car repair. I was ungrateful on my terrible day and realized that it could have been worse. I have it pretty damn lucky.

 

 

 

 

SONG BENEATH THE SONG

“The brain is the body’s most mysterious organ. It learns. It changes. It adapts. It tells us what we see….what we hear. It lets us feel love. I think it holds our soul. But no matter how much research we do, no one can really say how all the delicate grey matter inside our skull works.” –Grey’s Anatomy

There was a time in my life when I fell into an extremely dark place. My whole world changed around me. The energy was negative and I saw the world in shades of grey. I felt haunted by mysterious shadows ready to take my soul further into the dark place. I felt weighed down by doubt and insecurity. I was completely hopeless. There are things that I saw, things that I felt, and things that I heard that no other human being should ever experience.  To some, this may sound completely unbelievable. To me, I feel as if I sound completely insane writing this. But, it is true. It happened.During this time in my life, I had just experienced severe hurt, loss, and trauma. I felt inhuman. Was this whole dark place the mysterious workings of my brain and my heart’s lack of hope and love?

        Love. It is described as one of life’s strongest feelings. It is often said that love closely resembles the same power that hate does. Humankind would benefit from putting more effort into love than hate. Humans are the only species who kill their own kind. We lack compassion. We lack love. My most favorite description of love is found in the Bible, whether you believe in the Bible or not…I feel as if the description of love is what love should be. If this type of love was put into practice, what kind of world would we have? The verse reads like this:

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.”

 

I used to live my life in a box. There was left, right, up and down and that was it. There came a time when I broke out of the box and realized there was more than life in a box. I began to see the world for what it was and not what I was told it was. I began to see people for people. I became accepting of all walks of life, because no matter what we are all God’s children. I wanted (and will always want) to show the people of this world true compassion and true love, because let’s all face it—this world is full of evil and hate. I’m considered a deviant in my family—as I have strayed away from all that I used to know and was told. I am told to pray because it is wrong to be accepting of equal rights. I am told to pray because I do not vote for righteousness—and in the words of a great friend, “You are voting for a President, not the Pope.” I’ve learned to smile and walk away. It is not worth it. I will never see eye to eye with my family. I will never see eye to eye with a lot of my friends. I’m just here to say, that I am accepting and respecting of what one chooses to do. I just hope the leaders of our country can keep in mind that God gave us free will—and with that free will we should be allowed to choose how we live life.

 

 

The brain is the body’s most mysterious organ. It learns. It changes. It adapts.

I came out of darkness with me still intact. I came out of darkness with an understanding of life and love. I came out of darkness when all hope was lost. From darkness, I found music and songs beneath songs. From out of darkness, I decided to adapt to here and now and not what had passed.  The mere delicacy of the brain almost seems ironic to its mysteriousness. We are born with one brain. Why?  Who will ever know? I’ve learned. I’ve changed. I’ve adapted…maybe I need to thank my brain for opening my eyes and changing me for the better. Maybe I need to thank my brain for adapting to a world that so desperately needs to be shown love, compassion, and equality. Maybe I need to thank my brain for learning, and then in turn, teaching me humanity.

 

RISE UP

“Life is the most fragile, unstable, unpredictable thing there is. In fact, there’s only one thing about life we can be sure of…. it ain’t over, til it’s over.” –Grey’s Anatomy

I’d like to think that I will have no regrets at the end of my life. I’d also like to think, that at the end of my life, I would have accomplished all my goals. So far this year I’ve accomplished all my goals. I’ve stopped biting my nails, I’ve kept up with writing my blog, and I’m learning to play the piano.  The goals I have yet to accomplish… moving out of my current state and getting a new job—just might have to wait until 2013.

I am young, I am determined and I am sure whatever happens will be what was meant to be. At twenty-six years old, I have a whole life in front of me, waiting for me to discover it.
I’ve been working a lot lately on composing a bucket list, whether I am having a mid-twenties crisis, or I feel as if I am missing out on life—creating this list has allowed me to let down my guard and not to be so afraid. If I have a list of things I want to accomplish, maybe it will allow me to stop creating a small world for myself. I set my expectations low for myself—because I feel like I deserve half of what I have in life. Maybe it’s completely normal, maybe it is completely insane. Life has always seemed to work out in funny ways for me. I’m not moving forward—I’m not moving back---I’m just standing still. I’ve worked so hard since I graduated college to pay down my debt. I am proud to say I own my car and I have no credit cards. The only thing weighing me down is my college loans. On a completely fantasy side note, I’ve really got to find a sugar daddy.

I have not been able to cross of anything on my bucket list. Hopefully, here within the next few years I might be able to.

·         Swim with the dolphins

·         Surf

·         Scuba dive

·         Go to Ireland

·         Go to Hawaii

·         Go to Greece

·         Go to England

·         Go to Italy

·         Go to France

·         Kiss a baby penguin

·         Kiss a baby sea turtle

·         Show Katy Perry my tattoo: whether I meet her or she sees it on Twitter and says “thanks” that is all I want

·         Go on a cruise

·         See the Northern Lights

·         Go sailing

·         Ride a snowmobile

·         Go to the Ellen Show

·         Get a NOH8 photo

·         Go to Comic Con

·         Fall in love

·         Get married

·         Have children; adopt children

·         Go on a cross country road trip in an RV

·         Go to an NFL game

·         Go to a college football game

·         Go fishing in the ocean

·         Raise $10,000 for Charity

·         Do a marathon for Charity

I want my life to be something of value. My heart truly lies with helping people—being a person of love and hope and a helping hand. I want to live my life of love despite the hate in this world. I want to rise up above the “no, you can’t” and show them that I can. Life is unpredictable, unstoppable and you only get one life to live—as cliché as that phrase is. As Eminem says, “you only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow this opportunity comes once in a lifetime.”  

 

DISARM

“Good thing life doesn’t come with a scalpel; because if it did, when things started to hurt, we would just cut, and cut, and cut. The thing is…. what we take away with a scalpel we can’t ever get back. So like I said…good thing.” –Grey’s Anatomy

Yesterday, I went to the mall with a good friend. We were in a popular jewelry store. There was a little girl about nine or ten years old about to get her ears pierced. I went to the back of the store to browse some more. When I returned, the little girl was crying. I walked over to her and her mother. I said, “It’s okay sweetheart. Look! I have a bunch of earrings. Getting your ears pierced is nothing. It only hurts for a second and then it’s over.” I asked her if she would want to hold my hand too. I told her that I was sure an ice cream cone afterward would make her feel better and I would buy it for her. She got her ears pierced. After about forty-five seconds of saying, “Ow.” She was happy and looking around the store. Her mother thanked me. I said, “No problem.” I told the little girl to enjoy her new earrings and that she was a part of a whole new club now—The Pierced Ears Club. She smiled at me.

The little girl was so frightened by the thought and the pain of the event—even when promised it would only hurt for a little while. I hate seeing kids scared or upset. When a baby fusses in the store, I offer a smile, a wave, play a game of “peek-a-boo.” Nine times out of ten—it works. The baby smiles and they’re happy. The little girl was comforted by her mother and my self…one perspective from a mother; one perspective from a kind stranger.

Most families I have babysat for call me ‘Mary Poppins.’ I can get their kids to obey. I am fun, yet I am stern and know when to discipline. Kids immediately know my limits and boundaries—and very rarely do they ever get crossed. I have amazing children that I care for and love. I get to be a blessing in their lives when it is most vital. I get to be a really cool friend and a positive influence. I get to be the silliness that every child should see in their young lives. I get to be a special person for them. It is totally rewarding. Childhood is such a beautiful thing.

Children are blessed to be limited to pain and suffering—at least most children get to be shielded from this.

No child should have to feel so lost and afraid—they only have one shot at childhood and it should be as carefree as possible. The hard stuff can come later.

Then again, maybe children should have some experience in pain and suffering—as they can learn “it only gets better.” There is no need to quit, give up, or cut away at the pain.

I was able to be a ray of hope for the little girl scared to get her ears pierced. That after the pain of the piercing—it would only get better. She took a chance of me and faced what she feared….for that she got rewarded with blue diamond earrings and an ice cream cone.

If I can be a positive influence in anyone’s life—show them that pain is temporary and preceding moments are filled with bliss, knowing you got through it—then that’s what I want my life to be....a ray of sunshine for anyone who wants to feel its warmth.

WHAT I AM

“Sometimes you have to make a big mistake to figure out how to make things right. Mistakes are painful. But they’re the only way to find out who you really are.” –Grey’s Anatomy

I am no stranger to mistakes. As a human being, who has been on this earth twenty-six years, I’m sure there will be more mistakes to be made, lessons to be learned, pain to be felt, and when all is said and done---I grow. I grow to know more about me…my capabilities and my flaws. Mistakes are a part of life. To loosely quote one of my favorite P!nk songs,  I wouldn’t trade any of the pain of my mistakes for what I learned and who I became.

 One of my favorite quotes in life was given to me by my dear college professor. I had gone to her because I was seriously considered dropping out of college. I felt that I wasn't talented enough to be in the theatre program. I felt that I was wasting my time. It hurt my heart to literally even think about leaving the theatre—because I loved it so much. I had a passion for it. After she listened to me pour out my heart, she let me know I wasn’t alone. That every actor has one of my “I’m not talented” moments; she told me I would grow to be a better person and actor. She then got out a sticky note and pen and wrote something down. She handed it to me and this is what it said:

“I AM WHO I AM. I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE HERE. I HAVE NOTHING TO PROVE.”

This sticky note stayed on the back of my college dorm room. I said it every single day before leaving for classes. I’ve lost the sticky note, but I have a replacement hanging on the back of my bedroom door. Every once and a while, I glance at it and say it….three simple sentences and seventeen words that have impacted my life more than my dear, sweet college professor will ever know.  I became a better person with these words. I became a better actor with these words. Why? I finally had to accept myself for the person and the actor that I was-knowing I could grow in both, but couldn’t change to be like someone else.

        I am highly considering getting this quoted tattooed somewhere. I have thought of putting “I AM” on one wrist and “WHO I AM” on another. Not only to signify myself, but to replace my scars with love, hope, and confidence knowing that… I am who I am. I do have a right to be here, right here and now and I have not a single thing to prove to anyone.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH (NO MORE TEARS)

“We don’t say “when” because there’s something about the possibility of more.” – Grey’s Anatomy

As a kid, adults always asked “say when.” I’d carefully watch as they poured the liquid, or piled up the food, and when it looked like enough I’d say “when.”Why say when, when there is the possibility of more?More life, more love, more adventure, more satisfaction, more experience, more growing, more compassion….just more.

           I’ve been at my job for a little over two years. I will hit the three year mark of graduating college in December.  I never saw myself at my job for this long. It was just supposed to be temporary. I’ve become really good at my job. The people I work with love my enthusiasm and willingness to help. I do not want to be at this job for forever. I just have to find a way to get out there in the world.
The most joy I receive all week is this blog. I write, I post, and I see all the positive feedback and page views and I am just overwhelmed at the response. I love to write. I was always told, ‘you’re a writer, Jennifer.’ I just need to find a way to make it happen. My glass of hope is over-flowing with passion and desire to make my life work.
          I miss my friends more than I ever thought I would. With my friends being scattered all over the United States, I just have to find the place that will work for me. I’d like to start traveling to these places to see if I can find the city that will work for me. Find the city. Find the job. I’m set. As much as I think about it, I’ve got to stop worrying about my financial situation and just try to make it work. I’m already on a pretty strict budget, and I know I would just have to be stricter in my finances.
                I’ve been watching F*R*I*E*N*D*S for the past week. Six people, living in New York and struggling with jobs, relationships, life and I feel that if I had a good support system life will work out. It will be hard. Every day it will be hard. But, with your friends there for you….it all changes.
Right now, in life I’ve been saying “when” without thinking of my possibility of something more.

“There’s something to be said about a glass half full…about knowing when to say “when.” I think it’s a floating line….a barometer of need and desire. It’s entirely up to the individual….and depends on what’s being poured. Sometimes, all we want is a taste. Other times, there’s no such thing as enough. The glass is bottomless, and all we want….is more. “

Live life with all the possibilities of more and know when to say “when.”

WITH YOU I'M BORN AGAIN

“When we say things like ‘people don’t change,’ it drives scientist crazy; because, change is literally the only constant in all of science. Energy, matter, it’s always changing. Morphing. Merging. Growing. Dying.  It’s the way people try not to change that is unnatural. The way we cling to what things were, instead of letting them be what they are. The way we cling to old memories, instead of forming new ones.”—Grey’s Anatomy

I have this memory of being completely surrounded by love. I have never felt more accepted in my life than when I was in college. As the time passes and the years grow longer from when I graduated, I still cling to this memory of love, acceptance, respect, and togetherness. College changed me for the better. I have changed for the better.
            I used to be this one way street walker. I was totally driven by conviction and what my family deemed as moral. I lived my life for others and all I found was misery in my strive for perfection.

I became a cutter and a risk taker. For once as the blood poured from my wrists, I was imperfect. I was wounded. I took large amounts of Tylenol PM hoping that when I drifted off to sleep, I wouldn’t wake up again. I was no longer able to live up to an expectation and I truly wanted to die. I had planned to kill myself, but at the last minute God reached down his arm and he saved me. I have shared this story before of how God saved me. I’m thankful I am here. I am beyond grateful for God and His saving grace.

        I’m not religious. I’m not spiritual. I have faith. I believe in God. I believe in the devil. I believe in Heaven. I believe in Hell. I’m just not a fan of the religious institutions. I believe that it is about a relationship. I do not have to sit and define my relationship with God to anyone. That is between Him and me.

I haven’t attended church in almost a year. I’m not sure where I stand anymore, as I’m struggling with everything I was ever told in church. After I left my home church of twelve years, to attend college, not one person ever reached out to talk to me (nor I to them--I was hurt). I thought church was about family and acceptance—but then again the church has proved me wrong. I have a feeling most of my church family has abandoned me because of my political stance. According to my family, you cannot be a Christian and be a democrat, liberal, or independent. I’m sorry, but just because one book says homosexuality is wrong—it gives me NO RIGHT to condemn anyone else or take away someone’s livelihood. I 1,5000%  support equality. Love is just love. Love isn’t gay love. Love isn’t black love. Love isn’t white love. Love knows no race, gender, color, or creed. As my eight year old cousin, eloquently put it, “Fish have love. Birds have love. Love is just love.”

My BFAX family was the closest thing true agape love and the closest thing to a real family. I didn’t have to prove anything to them. I could just be as I was. I grew to be a better person. I grew to be a better actress. I changed for the better because of the love I had and felt during my three and a half wonderful years as a part of the BFAX family. As we continue to grow, merge, morph into our adulthood—accept change. Be free to discoveries. Let old memories warm your heart and let new memories take hold of the present and the future

GOODBYE

“Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way.”

                                                                        -Grey’s Anatomy

There are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  Each stage looks different on every one, but there are always five stages.

      On August 7^th, 2000 I lost my Papa. He is the one regret in my life. He was an abusive alcoholic. As a child, I was innocent and only knew but to love him. As a teenager, I was angry at him. His mental instability forced my Grandma to come live with us. There are times I remember, going over to the house, to check on him with my parents. The house reeked of alcohol, feces, body odor, cigarettes, and rotten food. He lied on the floor covered in his own filth and blood too weak and too drunk to even get up. It was heartbreaking to see. Eventually, his body could not take anymore and he died.
     Before he died, my parents brought my brothers and me up to the Veteran’s Hospital to say “good-bye.” My brothers were first. As it came for my turn, a knot grew deep in the pit of my stomach. The man lying in that hospital bed was not my Papa. He was yellow. He was tiny. He looked like death. I leaned into his forehead, kiss his cheek and whispered good-bye. As I turned to leave, he grabbed my hand and with all and any strength he had left…he pulled me back to his bedside. He whispered, “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” I retracted my hand and quickly left the room. I sat in the lobby overwhelmed with emotions. I angrily waited for my parents to take me home. Three days later he passed away.
The only time I ever touched a dead body was when I went into the church for the funeral. I walked into the room, which held his casket. I touched his hand. I kissed his face and in his ear I whispered, “I forgive you.”A “forgive you” that came too late, but I had to say it. I had to hope on some level of a miracle, he would hear me.
The only time I have ever been to a military funeral was my Papa’s. I cried as they folded the flag. I cried when they handed the flag to my Grandma. I cried when my cousin played TAPS. I cried as they shot their rifles into the grey sky. As the last shot rang out, the tears stopped. Life moved on and I no longer missed him.Here’s the funny thing about grief, just when you think you are over it. It comes back full force.

Christmas the following year came fast. We were at Grandma’s house. We ate a wonderful Christmas dinner and shortly after began to open presents. I sat in my usual spot on the couch. I looked down on the floor, expecting to see my Papa there, lying on his big brown pillow. I looked and smiled… hoping he would see me smiling at him and there was nothing there but carpet. I got up and ran to the den, bursting into tears. I was sobbing uncontrollably and screaming, “He’s gone! He’s gone! He’s gone!” The family overheard, came into the den to comfort me and we all just sat there, holding one another and crying. It took me a whole year to accept the fact that Papa was gone. He was not coming back. There would no longer be the big brown pillow on the floor holding up his body. It was bare. It was empty. He was gone. He was gone.

           Family was always the one constant in my life. Suddenly, that constant changed. Life changed…I changed. I quickly realized that nothing in life is constant. It is forever changing; forever shifting; forever morphing. I cherish the moments of constancy; as I never know when life will shift and be thrown off balance. Life can change in an instant. Love life; live life in the here and now—“go live your freaking life.”

 

WISH YOU WERE HERE

“We all get at least one good wish a year….over the candles on our birthday.  Some of us throw in more.  On eyelashes….fountains….lucky stars. And every now and then one of those wishes comes true.  So what then?  Is it as good as we hoped? Do we bask in the warm glow of our happiness? Or do we just notice we got a long list of other wishes waiting to be wished? We don’t wish for the easy stuff. We wish for big things. Things that are ambitious…out of reach. We wish because we need help, and we’re scared, and we know we may be asking too much. We still wish though, because sometimes they come true.”                 – Grey’s Anatomy

Sunday July 15^th 2012, I celebrated my twenty-sixth birthday. It was a simple birthday with family and my person. I enjoyed it. As I blew out the imaginary twenty-six candles on my birthday cheesecake, I wished for happiness, peace, love, joy, a different job, and life in a new city.

           I was presented with the opportunity today to interview for a flight attendant position with United Airlines. I have to call to schedule it. The interview is in Houston, TX. I have to pay for travel expenses (flight, food, and hotel). When I read the email, I was immediately hit with nausea, confusion, excitement, frustration, anger, happiness and more nausea. Unfortunately, I do not have the means to pay for the expenses to get me to the interview. I do not own credit cards. I am sure I could loan it from someone, but I don’t want to risk the money if I don’t pass the interview. It would be all for nothing.
I applied for this position, as well as one with Continental, when I was having a bad week at work. This was four months ago and I honestly thought nothing would ever come of it. It had been four months. I figured someone else got the job. I have my good and bad days at my current job, but no matter what I do I still make the same amount of money. No matter how bad it gets, I still have a job. It pays the bills. I have made some good relationships, some in the office I work in and some in the other offices all over the United States. I am thankful for the experience I have gained, but seriously? I handle registrations, Department of Transportation rules and regulations. I have learned more than I have ever wanted to know about rules and regulations for truck drivers. I went to school for acting. I have been in plays. I have been a stage manager. I have been a dresser for actors. I have been on run crew. I was trained to do amazing things! Instead I sit behind a desk, forty hours a week and do data entry.
      I cannot sit here, writing and except an opportunity to just fall into my lap. I just don’t think this flight attendant position is my opportunity. I want to move to a city where I can work in film, television and theatre. I do not care if I never act again. I love the production side of entertainment. I like to be there from the beginning…watch the actors develop and see a show grow from nothing into something profound. All I really want is to be a part of a theatre family again. I miss my college theatre family, but now it’s time to find a new theatre family.
I thought being a flight attendant would allow me to move to an exciting new city. Truth. However, the demanding hours and rigorous schedule, it would be like I didn’t even live there. I want to be able to settle down, work somewhere interesting and have the flexibility to audition and/or work in a theatre.
I am at a crossroads in my adult life. I am stuck with a decision I cannot seem to make. Do I take a chance? Do I take a risk? Do I just stay where I am, save up money, and then move to a city of my choosing? I just feel stuck.
I have a choice and I just have to figure out what I want to do. I have to decide what I think is best for me for this moment in my life. As I sit here weighing the pros and cons, a hear the voice of Jiminy Cricket in my head.

When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
Anything your heart desires
Will come to you

If your heart is in your dream
No request is too extreme
When you wish upon a star

As dreamers do

                                                             Like a bolt out of the blue
                                                  Fate steps in and sees you through
                                                        When you wish upon a star
                                                           Your dreams come true

Wishes on eyelashes, wishes on stars, wishes on fountains, wishes on candles. We wish. I still wish though, because maybe it will come true.