DESIRE

“Desire can wreck your life; but, as tough as wanting something can be…the people who suffer the most are those who don’t know what they want.”—Grey’s Anatomy

 Last week, I was overwhelmed with the desire to return to school.  I wanted to be a pediatric nurse. I wanted to be a doctor. I wanted to be an FBI agent. I wanted to be a lawyer. I wanted to be a counselor. I wanted to get a second degree in theatre and/or acting.

       Today, I have the overwhelming desire to move out of the current state I live in and to somewhere where I can work and pursue acting, writing, production work, etc.
It is almost as if I truly do not know what I want in my life anymore. There are days I consider finally opening my heart and start to date. There are days when I shudder at the fact of having children and days when I cannot wait to be a mom.  Therefore, according to this quote, I am in the category of suffering—for not knowing what I want.

 It is dangerous (I feel) to live life by a plan—because as I’ve experienced in my short twenty-six years, nothing ever goes according to plan. I think life is best lived my setting goals and doing what you can to meet those goals.

For 2012, I set three goals: stop biting my nails, write a blog for an entire year, and get Katy Perry to see my tattoo.
I have accomplished two out of three. I have not bitten my nails once this year. I have written a blog a week for almost the entire year. This is blog forty-eight and I have to get to fifty-two. So, my last goal is to get Katy Perry to see my tattoo, whether I get to personal show her or she sees the picture on the internet—I just want her to see it.

I’m proud of myself. I used to be terrible at setting and accomplishing goals, so 2013, I feel will be another year of accomplishing more goals that I have.

Desire can be poison. As you can see, I had all these desires to return to school, but I didn’t act on that desire.
I constantly struggle with the fear of moving on and leaving behind what I know for fear of the unknown and uncertain.
My support system here is what keeps me together. The people here in my life make my life enjoyable and if I have to work a mediocre job that I loathe—it almost seems like the job should be tolerable. I know I cannot keep up with this and I need to continue to search for more and improve my life—because I know that I am meant for something more.

So, for 2013 my goals are: to move out of my current state, to get a new job, and to not hold back.

To not hold back seems pretty vague, I just want to not let fear hold me back. I do not want to miss out on wonderful opportunities because of fear. I want to be able to have regrets and make mistakes. I want to be able to enjoy life as much as possible while there is life to live.

I know my blogs are not good every week. I have good weeks and I have bad weeks, but it has never held me back from not writing. I know some people who read and some are complete strangers, yet I appreciate every single page view and every single comment. This blog has given me the confidence that maybe one day, I can pursue writing.

I was told since I was ten years old that I had a gift for writing. I think this is where my good desire lies; I have a desire to write always and always. Once again, I want to thank my readers. I am so elated with the good response I have received as it continually boosts my confidence that I have what it takes. Desire can wreck your life, but I think it also brings you possibilities to chase all of your dreams.

GREAT EXPECTATIONS

“We all think we’re going to be great, and we feel a little bit robbed when our expectations aren’t met. But, sometimes our expectations sell us short. Sometimes the expected simply pales in comparison to the unexpected. You gotta wonder why we cling to our expectations, because the expected is what keeps us steady…standing still. The expected is just the beginning-the unexpected is what changes our lives.”- Grey’s Anatomy

I expected to be working in the arts after I graduated from college. I moved to Austin, TX to pursue a career in film/television and theatre. For the first few weeks things were very promising. I ran a sound board for a touring stage play. I got a job with NBC filming a documentary and then I fell off a ladder. I was laid up for eight weeks and got a nanny job as my bills fell behind. I worked as a nanny for five months, became home sick and moved back home. I have been home for almost three years and I’m nowhere near where I expected to be.

I know I am meant for something more. I have a job that pays the bills. I don’t loathe by job, but I don’t like it. I am in this weird “in between” place. I love the people. I love the relationships I have developed with the workers out in the district offices and our vendors. I am here at this job because I do not know where to go. I am afraid that if I leave home again, I will fail. And maybe this is true, but if I don’t try I will never know. I came back home because there was too much uncertainty. I came home because I wasn’t making the money I needed to live. For the past two years, I have worked so hard at getting my credit cards and car paid off. In three weeks, I will be debt free. I wish I could say the same for my college loans, but the rest of my debt will be gone. It is such an amazing feeling to know that I’ve accomplished another goal. I now know what it takes in order for me to live and what money I need to make.

I want to work in film, television, and theatre. I want to act, write, produce, direct, edit, assist, and design. I have such a passion for the magic behind the creation of a production. Being a part of the work that goes into a show is such a creative high, which is probably why I have never done drugs. I have such a passion for acting. I want to tell the truth of a character’s story, raise the stakes, run of the cliff, and be nominated for an Emmy or have the whole audience in the palm of my hands. I want to yell, “CUT.” I want to run around like crazy on a set and help the crew and actors prepare for day.

“The expected is just the beginning-the unexpected is what changes our lives.” As I sit here tonight writing, I keep close to my heart my hopes and dreams and maybe something unexpected will come my way and change my life. I am always searching for opportunities, sending my resumes and cover letters. I am always searching. I cannot just sit and hope for the unexpected. I have to sow the seed and hope that the unexpected will come and change everything.