A Letter

I was thinking of my "Dog Sees God" family. I am very close to my three year anniversary of graduating college. I am reminiscing on my last semester in college---the best half of a year in a long time. I miss what I do not have anymore, but I look forward to what is to come. Here is a letter I wrote:

To my family of DOG SEES GOD,

I want to thank you for this amazing experience. It was wonderful watching the progression of the show since the first read through. What we have now, it is beautiful. It exceeds all expectations I had. Oh, how I wish that the world could see what we have created. Words and feelings are ineffable about how I feel about each and every one of you.
          I want each of you to promise me you will never stop doing what you are doing. Keep dreaming. Keep reaching. Keep wishing. I heard once on a beer commercial that “those brave enough to chase their dream will catch it.” It has stuck with me ever since. Go out and chase that dream. Work hard. Live, laugh, love, but above all hope. Do not ever give up hope, like that beautiful anonymous person in that letter almost did. Like I almost did.
            Like the anonymous person (in the letter), little pieces of my self were ripped away by situations in my life that a lot of people do not know about, and possibly never will.
You never know what another is going through, or how by some miracle you can be a witness to someone and change their life. And we had the awesome, wonderful chance to do just that.
     Theatre saved my life. It was a last resort, really and I wanted nothing to do with it.
I am so thankful I chose theatre. It gave me hope. It gave me…..me.
This is why we all must continue to do what we do. Live our lives striving to reach others, because contrary to what some believe theatre does have power to change.

       Each one of you has changed me for the better. How blessed I am to know you. How wonderful it is to be apart of this fabulous show and witness a miracle. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for the opportunity. Thank you for allowing my last collegiate theatre experience to be Dog Sees God.

Let me leave you with these favorite quotes of mine.

“Always do what you’re afraid to do.” –Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Creativity is allowing your self to make mistakes, art is knowing which ones to keep.”-Scott Adams

 “Acting is forever carving a statue of snow.”-Lawerence Barrett

“Beginnings are scary. Endings are usually sad, but it’s what’s in the middle that counts. So, when you find yourself at the beginning just give hope a chance to float up, and it will.”-Movie quote: Hope Floats

 

“If you don’t go after what you want, you’ll never have it. If you don’t ask, the answer is always no. If you don’t step forward, you’re always in the same place.”-Nora Roberts

So, go. Step forward. Hope. And never stop doing what you are doing. Create art. Live. Laugh. Love.

I love you all.

GREAT EXPECTATIONS

“We all think we’re going to be great, and we feel a little bit robbed when our expectations aren’t met. But, sometimes our expectations sell us short. Sometimes the expected simply pales in comparison to the unexpected. You gotta wonder why we cling to our expectations, because the expected is what keeps us steady…standing still. The expected is just the beginning-the unexpected is what changes our lives.”- Grey’s Anatomy

I expected to be working in the arts after I graduated from college. I moved to Austin, TX to pursue a career in film/television and theatre. For the first few weeks things were very promising. I ran a sound board for a touring stage play. I got a job with NBC filming a documentary and then I fell off a ladder. I was laid up for eight weeks and got a nanny job as my bills fell behind. I worked as a nanny for five months, became home sick and moved back home. I have been home for almost three years and I’m nowhere near where I expected to be.

I know I am meant for something more. I have a job that pays the bills. I don’t loathe by job, but I don’t like it. I am in this weird “in between” place. I love the people. I love the relationships I have developed with the workers out in the district offices and our vendors. I am here at this job because I do not know where to go. I am afraid that if I leave home again, I will fail. And maybe this is true, but if I don’t try I will never know. I came back home because there was too much uncertainty. I came home because I wasn’t making the money I needed to live. For the past two years, I have worked so hard at getting my credit cards and car paid off. In three weeks, I will be debt free. I wish I could say the same for my college loans, but the rest of my debt will be gone. It is such an amazing feeling to know that I’ve accomplished another goal. I now know what it takes in order for me to live and what money I need to make.

I want to work in film, television, and theatre. I want to act, write, produce, direct, edit, assist, and design. I have such a passion for the magic behind the creation of a production. Being a part of the work that goes into a show is such a creative high, which is probably why I have never done drugs. I have such a passion for acting. I want to tell the truth of a character’s story, raise the stakes, run of the cliff, and be nominated for an Emmy or have the whole audience in the palm of my hands. I want to yell, “CUT.” I want to run around like crazy on a set and help the crew and actors prepare for day.

“The expected is just the beginning-the unexpected is what changes our lives.” As I sit here tonight writing, I keep close to my heart my hopes and dreams and maybe something unexpected will come my way and change my life. I am always searching for opportunities, sending my resumes and cover letters. I am always searching. I cannot just sit and hope for the unexpected. I have to sow the seed and hope that the unexpected will come and change everything.

HERE'S TO FUTURE DAYS

“We spend our whole lives worrying about the future, planning for the future, trying to predict the future…as if figuring it out will somehow cushion the blow.  But the future is always changing. The future is the home of our deepest fears and our wildest hopes. But one thing is certain: when it finally reveals itself the future is never the way we imagined it.”                 

                                                                                                                                       -Grey’s Anatomy

I got a raise last week at work. This is significant to me because it will make my life less complicated. I will be able to pay down my credit cards and take the extra money to save for the future.I do not know where I’m going or what will happen when I get there, not knowing is slightly scary but I think it will be okay.

           As I have said in my past blogs, I have only ever dreamed or imagined my future. Well, things never turn out the way you plan. As a teenager, I thought I’d be married by now with kids. As a college student, I thought I’d be working at a wonderful theatre or working as a production assistant for a Hollywood film. Well… I am neither here nor there. Currently, I am sitting on my bedroom floor of my grandparent’s home listening to the “Sleep Station” I’ve created on Pandora. Instrumental music seems to pull me into my creative writing world where I can just be me and write my heart to whoever wants to read.
I have a passion for writing. I feel I have a gift to write and maybe my blogging will turn into something greater than I expected. It may just turn into something I never could have even imagined.
I’m putting the tools in place to get me to wherever it is I am supposed to go. I am researching production companies, theatre companies, and places to live. I’m spicing up my resume, updating my cover letters; printing out headshots…I’m always searching, always looking anywhere and everywhere to something that appeals to me.
           As an actor, I want to speak the truth. I do not want it just to be memorized lines. I want it to be raw and real. As I jump from that cliff and leap and bound, I want the audience right there with me…rooting for me.
As I writer, I want the reader to hear my voice and root for my characters; or, in the case of a blog root for me.
As a person, who loves to help people, I want people to know I’d make the best assistant, the hardest and most dedicated worker.

I’m a dreamer. I’m a creator. I’m a giver. I’m a lover. I’m the only me and the best me. As proof of the things I have just stated, I’ve kept true to my writing a blog (even though I skipped last week). I have learned “Someone Like You” by Adele on the piano. My goals for 2012 were to learn to play the piano and write a blog for the entire year.

I’ve made friends. I’ve lost friends. I’ve become friends with acquaintances. I’m performing better and better at my job. I’m laughing more. I’m crying more. I’m loving life and thankful for every moment I have.
So far, 2012 has taught me that I’m strong, that I meant for something more. Soon, when my future comes…I just might find out what that something more is. The future, “the home of our deepest fears and our wildest hopes,” I sure hope you’re ready for me.

IF TOMORROW NEVER COMES

“Never leave that til tomorrow, which you can do today. We have to sweep today’s possibility under tomorrow’s rug until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin meant. That knowing is better than wondering. That waking is better than sleeping.” –Grey’s Anatomy

I feel as if I am in an awkward phase of my mid-twenties; with my twenty-sixth birthday just ninety six days away…I’m beginning to think there is more than the life I’m living. Hell, there is ALWAYS MORE. I always thought that by twenty-six I’d be married with a kid or two. I’m so far away from beginning there and it scares me.

Today, I thought about what it must be like to be Kate Winslet. Ironically, as I type this a Titanic song comes up in my I-tunes. She is beautiful. She is ridiculously blessed with a career that I only dream of having. Then I think, “I would just like to meet her.” I’d shake her hand and tell her “Thank you for impacting my life as an actor. Your work means a lot to me. Keep it up, Ms. Kate.” For some odd reason, I find that if I ever were to meet an actor I’d refer to them by Ms. or Mr. and either their first or last name. I don’t know why I feel the need that I must to this. Maybe it is the southern upbringing.

                As I was going through the scenario of meeting Ms. Kate Winslet in my head, I heard a voice say, “You were meant for something more.” I am meant for something more. As far back as I can remember I have had a fascination for movies, acting, production, and the music in the movies. As far back as I can remember I have always wanted to be a part of that.  I’ve wanted to create that magic that goes into a film. You were meant for something more.

I just know that I know that I know that I know….art/entertainment/film/TV is what I am supposed to be doing with my life.  Or maybe this writing thing will be my launching pad. Maybe I really will be the one who creates the magic, by writing the magic.

I am making it a point from this point forward to do what I can to follow my heart and chase my dreams; because, what if tomorrow never comes? If I don’t move forward now, I’m always in the same place…stuck. And maybe, just this once I won’t have to wonder anymore…I can finally know. I can stop sleeping and wake up to tomorrow’s realm of possibilities.