GOLDEN HOUR

“How much can you actually accomplish in an hour? Run an errand…maybe. Sit in traffic? Get an oil change? When you think about it an hour really isn’t long. 60 minutes. 3600 seconds. That’s it.”—Grey’s Anatomy

In one hour I can shower, dry my hair, put on my make-up, straighten my hair, and get dressed.  There are times when I can get ready in just forty-five minutes if I’ve planned out my outfit.

It takes me one hour to write my blog every week. Sometimes I suffer from writer’s block, sometimes I just cannot think of words…I say it comes with the craft of writing.
        When I went to the gym—I went for exactly one hour….twenty minutes on the treadmill, ten minutes on the elliptical, fifteen minutes of weight lifting, and fifteen minutes of walking to cool down.  In that one hour, I was able to release mounds of tension and stress. I was able to shut out the world and focus on me.
            Life moves too fast. One minute you’re in high school and the next minute, you’re twenty-six years old, sitting home on a Thursday night writing a blog and watching Supernatural. Our society moves at the speed of light, figuratively speaking. There are those of us who watch life fly without taking the time to appreciate it. If people invested more time in themselves, maybe our world wouldn’t be so bad. There is good in this world, but there is also a lot of hurt, anger, and hate.  Maybe if people spent more time on self-reflection there would be less hurt in this world.
I am going to make a goal for 2013 to spend one hour on myself a week. Whether I treat myself to a facial, a massage, a nap, a relaxing bath…I’ve got to start making myself the best person…the person I know I can be.
   Once a month (now), I invest in myself by attending therapy sessions. I had a terrible thing happen to me and I buried it deep down for years—thinking I could just bury it so far down that it would eventually die or be forgotten. The thing with secrets is, somehow, somewhere; they come bursting to the surface like lava. Those “one hour” sessions have shaped me into a better person and began the healing process that I so desperately needed. One hour for me in 2013. I spend my time constantly working, helping others, picking up extra jobs—I do not hate a moment of it—I just can see the stress of it all wearing on me. I’ve always been the person who puts others before me. I have never put myself first. Now, maybe in 2013 I can. It’s not selfish—it’s necessary. I have got to take care of myself.

One hour. 60 minutes. 3600 seconds. Then it all starts again. And it’s nice to know that we get 24 tries in the day to get it right.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Perfect Imperfections

(This was originally written on October 11th, 2010)

As I sit down at my laptop to finally write my first blog, there is only one thing one my heart. I think it fits perfect for National Coming Out Day.
In the past several weeks, the world has watched as one too many humans have taken their lives because of bullying. It is sad. It is sickening. It tears up my heart. As a person who can speak from experience, I too have been bullied. I too have attempted suicide. My heart truly hurts for the souls lost.
Sometimes I blame God. Sometimes I blame the church. Sometimes I blame Christians. Sometimes I blame parents.
Genesis 1:27 says, "God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them."
If God, created us in HIS image then why are people born blind? Why are people born deaf? Why are people born without arms or legs? Why are people born with male and female parts? From this can we assume that God is imperfect? Maybe I am completely wrong, but these questions have invaded my mind and I don't know. I don't understand.
I truly feel that God is love. Ineffable love. Agape love. He may be imperfect, but he is love. I also feel that if God knows all the plans He has for our life, plans to give us hope and a future, why do people murder? Are our life choices pre-determined? Are our choices destiny? Has our life already played out and we are just in rewind?
Then I feel, that since God is love no one should go to hell. If God is love, then love is forgiving. Love knows no hate or wrong doing.
I was told once that "Hurting people, hurt people." People hurt and hate because someone in their life hurts and hates them. We have to stop the hurting people. We have to heal the hurt. We have to learn to love.
We are all in this world, living as perfect imperfections.
To all LTGB: Love is loud. It gets better. Don't give up. Don't let anyone create your world for you, for when you do they will make it to small. Don't give up. We are all in the gutter, but some of us look at the stars. If you are at the end of your rope know you are not alone. If you feel you are lost at sea know you have the stars above to guide you home. If you feel alone, know that there is always, always someone you can talk to. You are never alone. Love is louder then loneliness. Love needs to be louder than violence.
I am fighting for every lost, hurt, and lonely person. You were born for such a time as this. You are here for a reason and a purpose. Find that reason and purpose and spread your wings and fly. You get one life, one chance, one shot. Don't waste the opportunity. You are here. You are here. You are here.

~JLDubs~

DARK WAS THE NIGHT

“I had a terrible day; we say it all the time. A fight with the boss, stomach flu, traffic. That’s what we describe as terrible when nothing terrible is happening.”–Grey’s Anatomy

 

One week ago, I had a terrible Saturday. It started out at 7am with a text from a friend—her daughter had stayed the night at a friend’s house and woke up crying wanting to come home. Her two younger children were sleeping. I was going to be babysitting at 9am, so she said she’d leave the house unlocked for me. I offered to go get her daughter so she wouldn’t have to wake her two babies. I made it to the house, got her daughter and headed back to take her home. She said she didn’t feel well, so I decided to take the turnpike to get her home faster. I got on the turnpike and was pulled over for going 75MPH in a 70MPH. The patrolman gave me a warning. I was so relieved. I got to the tollbooth and realized I had no change and I was too afraid to run the tollbooth.  I put my car in park, turned on my hazard lights and asked the car beside me for change for the toll. I told them I had a sick kid in the car and needed to get her home. The woman graciously gave me the eighty-five cents. I continued on my way, got my friend’s daughter home, and then stayed because it was time to watch her kids, while she took her oldest garage selling.

                She ordered pizza for lunch and after lunch I took off for home. I had a few hours to kill until I had to go get my mom from the airport. I watched a few episodes of Supernatural and then it was time to go get my mom. I got my mom—we drove out to our mechanic to pick up my car. It was originally supposed to cost $500—and it ended up costing $600 as they found out why my car was shaking so bad—motor mounts. I was bummed about being out $600.

           I got on the highway and began to make my way home. Here is where I was at this moment—I was going off about 16 hours of sleep in two weeks. I had not showered. I had already been up since 7am. I was hungry. I was oh, so very tired. I was being blinded by the dumb ass truck behind me with blinding LED lights. I thought I was exiting at my exit….NOPE! I got on the turnpike, AGAIN. And AGAIN, I had no change. I started to cry. I got to the tollbooth, put my car in park, turned on my hazards, and went to the car beside me. He gave me fifty cents. I just needed thirty-five more. I waited for about three minutes and then another car came. I asked them for thirty five cents with my eyes filled with tears and my voice shaking. They gave it to me. I thanked them over and over. I threw the money in the booth, the light turned green and I went. I got off at the first exit after the tollbooth—it was the only free one and I didn’t have the change for the ones after that. As I was driving home, my first thought was “I’m going to fix myself a big tall glass of vodka when I get home.”

           I got home, changed into my pajamas and fixed myself a tall, glass of Coke and vodka. No sooner had I sat down on my bed, I spilled my drink all over myself and my bed.  I cursed the entire time while I was ripping off my comforter and my sheets. I cursed under my breath as I walked through the house to throw it all in the washing machine. I cursed the entire time as I was taking off my wet pajamas and changing into new ones. I didn’t even bother to go get another Coke—I just drank the vodka straight out of the bottle I drank and I drank and I drank. It was the perfect drunken end to a terrible day.
It’s amazing how your body and brain function with limited sleep. It’s amazing how your emotions get way out of whack. It’s amazing how your perception is thrown off the grid.  It’s amazing how I could call that a terrible day, when in reality it really wasn’t. Sometimes I forget how lucky I am and how good I have it. Sometimes I forget I need to be thankful for what I do have.
       This world is full of people suffering from a lot more than getting on the toll road with no money. This world is suffering from a lot more than being out $600 for a car repair. I was ungrateful on my terrible day and realized that it could have been worse. I have it pretty damn lucky.

 

 

 

 

SONG BENEATH THE SONG

“The brain is the body’s most mysterious organ. It learns. It changes. It adapts. It tells us what we see….what we hear. It lets us feel love. I think it holds our soul. But no matter how much research we do, no one can really say how all the delicate grey matter inside our skull works.” –Grey’s Anatomy

There was a time in my life when I fell into an extremely dark place. My whole world changed around me. The energy was negative and I saw the world in shades of grey. I felt haunted by mysterious shadows ready to take my soul further into the dark place. I felt weighed down by doubt and insecurity. I was completely hopeless. There are things that I saw, things that I felt, and things that I heard that no other human being should ever experience.  To some, this may sound completely unbelievable. To me, I feel as if I sound completely insane writing this. But, it is true. It happened.During this time in my life, I had just experienced severe hurt, loss, and trauma. I felt inhuman. Was this whole dark place the mysterious workings of my brain and my heart’s lack of hope and love?

        Love. It is described as one of life’s strongest feelings. It is often said that love closely resembles the same power that hate does. Humankind would benefit from putting more effort into love than hate. Humans are the only species who kill their own kind. We lack compassion. We lack love. My most favorite description of love is found in the Bible, whether you believe in the Bible or not…I feel as if the description of love is what love should be. If this type of love was put into practice, what kind of world would we have? The verse reads like this:

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.”

 

I used to live my life in a box. There was left, right, up and down and that was it. There came a time when I broke out of the box and realized there was more than life in a box. I began to see the world for what it was and not what I was told it was. I began to see people for people. I became accepting of all walks of life, because no matter what we are all God’s children. I wanted (and will always want) to show the people of this world true compassion and true love, because let’s all face it—this world is full of evil and hate. I’m considered a deviant in my family—as I have strayed away from all that I used to know and was told. I am told to pray because it is wrong to be accepting of equal rights. I am told to pray because I do not vote for righteousness—and in the words of a great friend, “You are voting for a President, not the Pope.” I’ve learned to smile and walk away. It is not worth it. I will never see eye to eye with my family. I will never see eye to eye with a lot of my friends. I’m just here to say, that I am accepting and respecting of what one chooses to do. I just hope the leaders of our country can keep in mind that God gave us free will—and with that free will we should be allowed to choose how we live life.

 

 

The brain is the body’s most mysterious organ. It learns. It changes. It adapts.

I came out of darkness with me still intact. I came out of darkness with an understanding of life and love. I came out of darkness when all hope was lost. From darkness, I found music and songs beneath songs. From out of darkness, I decided to adapt to here and now and not what had passed.  The mere delicacy of the brain almost seems ironic to its mysteriousness. We are born with one brain. Why?  Who will ever know? I’ve learned. I’ve changed. I’ve adapted…maybe I need to thank my brain for opening my eyes and changing me for the better. Maybe I need to thank my brain for adapting to a world that so desperately needs to be shown love, compassion, and equality. Maybe I need to thank my brain for learning, and then in turn, teaching me humanity.