RISE UP

“Life is the most fragile, unstable, unpredictable thing there is. In fact, there’s only one thing about life we can be sure of…. it ain’t over, til it’s over.” –Grey’s Anatomy

I’d like to think that I will have no regrets at the end of my life. I’d also like to think, that at the end of my life, I would have accomplished all my goals. So far this year I’ve accomplished all my goals. I’ve stopped biting my nails, I’ve kept up with writing my blog, and I’m learning to play the piano.  The goals I have yet to accomplish… moving out of my current state and getting a new job—just might have to wait until 2013.

I am young, I am determined and I am sure whatever happens will be what was meant to be. At twenty-six years old, I have a whole life in front of me, waiting for me to discover it.
I’ve been working a lot lately on composing a bucket list, whether I am having a mid-twenties crisis, or I feel as if I am missing out on life—creating this list has allowed me to let down my guard and not to be so afraid. If I have a list of things I want to accomplish, maybe it will allow me to stop creating a small world for myself. I set my expectations low for myself—because I feel like I deserve half of what I have in life. Maybe it’s completely normal, maybe it is completely insane. Life has always seemed to work out in funny ways for me. I’m not moving forward—I’m not moving back---I’m just standing still. I’ve worked so hard since I graduated college to pay down my debt. I am proud to say I own my car and I have no credit cards. The only thing weighing me down is my college loans. On a completely fantasy side note, I’ve really got to find a sugar daddy.

I have not been able to cross of anything on my bucket list. Hopefully, here within the next few years I might be able to.

·         Swim with the dolphins

·         Surf

·         Scuba dive

·         Go to Ireland

·         Go to Hawaii

·         Go to Greece

·         Go to England

·         Go to Italy

·         Go to France

·         Kiss a baby penguin

·         Kiss a baby sea turtle

·         Show Katy Perry my tattoo: whether I meet her or she sees it on Twitter and says “thanks” that is all I want

·         Go on a cruise

·         See the Northern Lights

·         Go sailing

·         Ride a snowmobile

·         Go to the Ellen Show

·         Get a NOH8 photo

·         Go to Comic Con

·         Fall in love

·         Get married

·         Have children; adopt children

·         Go on a cross country road trip in an RV

·         Go to an NFL game

·         Go to a college football game

·         Go fishing in the ocean

·         Raise $10,000 for Charity

·         Do a marathon for Charity

I want my life to be something of value. My heart truly lies with helping people—being a person of love and hope and a helping hand. I want to live my life of love despite the hate in this world. I want to rise up above the “no, you can’t” and show them that I can. Life is unpredictable, unstoppable and you only get one life to live—as cliché as that phrase is. As Eminem says, “you only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow this opportunity comes once in a lifetime.”  

 

POKER FACE

“As babies… we were easy. One cry meant you were hungry, another you were tired. It’s only as adults that we become difficult. We start to hide our feelings, put up walls. It gets to the point where we never really know how anyone thinks or feels; without meaning to we become masters of disguise.”—Grey’s Anatomy

Sometimes it is so easy to pretend a feeling does not exist. Sometimes it is so easy to pretend a problem does not exist. You sit there in denial while the elephant in the room stares at you square in the face.

There are people in your life that make you walk on egg shells. You aren’t sure whether or not to tell them the truth for fear of setting them off. There are people in your life that don’t sugar coat it—and sometimes that is exactly what we need.
If we all lived live like Horton the elephant, maybe the world would be better off…”I said what I meant and I meant what I said an elephant’s faithful one hundred percent.”
             Sometimes without meaning to, or maybe deliberately meaning to—we wear disguises…the work disguise, the friend disguise, the family disguise. Some we have mastered—some we still fail at. Why do we still continue to put on masks? Like I said earlier, it is easier to pretend that something does not exist that to own up to what you feel. We pretend. We hide. It is easier to feel nothing than to feel everything.
I used to be a master at putting up walls—hiding from life, hiding from what I felt. I was the perfect actress—or so I thought. Eventually, the walls I built broke and all the secret and lies came spewing out like lava. Therapy became my refuge, and it has helped me to clean up so much of what I destroyed in hiding.

 A wise seven year old struggling with progeria once told Barbara Walters, “Be fabulous. Don’t let one thing ruin your life.”

Put away the mask. Hide the disguise. Own up to what you feel. Tear down the wall. Just be. Love fiercely. Allow yourself to feel—you’re not ridiculous. Someone somewhere has felt what you have felt at one moment or another. Take risks. Take chances.

Save the poker face for poker.  

DISARM

“Good thing life doesn’t come with a scalpel; because if it did, when things started to hurt, we would just cut, and cut, and cut. The thing is…. what we take away with a scalpel we can’t ever get back. So like I said…good thing.” –Grey’s Anatomy

Yesterday, I went to the mall with a good friend. We were in a popular jewelry store. There was a little girl about nine or ten years old about to get her ears pierced. I went to the back of the store to browse some more. When I returned, the little girl was crying. I walked over to her and her mother. I said, “It’s okay sweetheart. Look! I have a bunch of earrings. Getting your ears pierced is nothing. It only hurts for a second and then it’s over.” I asked her if she would want to hold my hand too. I told her that I was sure an ice cream cone afterward would make her feel better and I would buy it for her. She got her ears pierced. After about forty-five seconds of saying, “Ow.” She was happy and looking around the store. Her mother thanked me. I said, “No problem.” I told the little girl to enjoy her new earrings and that she was a part of a whole new club now—The Pierced Ears Club. She smiled at me.

The little girl was so frightened by the thought and the pain of the event—even when promised it would only hurt for a little while. I hate seeing kids scared or upset. When a baby fusses in the store, I offer a smile, a wave, play a game of “peek-a-boo.” Nine times out of ten—it works. The baby smiles and they’re happy. The little girl was comforted by her mother and my self…one perspective from a mother; one perspective from a kind stranger.

Most families I have babysat for call me ‘Mary Poppins.’ I can get their kids to obey. I am fun, yet I am stern and know when to discipline. Kids immediately know my limits and boundaries—and very rarely do they ever get crossed. I have amazing children that I care for and love. I get to be a blessing in their lives when it is most vital. I get to be a really cool friend and a positive influence. I get to be the silliness that every child should see in their young lives. I get to be a special person for them. It is totally rewarding. Childhood is such a beautiful thing.

Children are blessed to be limited to pain and suffering—at least most children get to be shielded from this.

No child should have to feel so lost and afraid—they only have one shot at childhood and it should be as carefree as possible. The hard stuff can come later.

Then again, maybe children should have some experience in pain and suffering—as they can learn “it only gets better.” There is no need to quit, give up, or cut away at the pain.

I was able to be a ray of hope for the little girl scared to get her ears pierced. That after the pain of the piercing—it would only get better. She took a chance of me and faced what she feared….for that she got rewarded with blue diamond earrings and an ice cream cone.

If I can be a positive influence in anyone’s life—show them that pain is temporary and preceding moments are filled with bliss, knowing you got through it—then that’s what I want my life to be....a ray of sunshine for anyone who wants to feel its warmth.

I WILL FOLLOW YOU INTO THE DARK

“The only way to get rid of a shadow is to turn off the lights, to stop running from the darkness, and face what you fear…head on. “—Grey’s Anatomy

 

You can’t outrun your shadow.  We aren’t lucky like Peter Pan with the ability to lose our shadow and having to chase it down. Then again, maybe we are like Peter Pan. We are always chasing down the shadows in life.

In my life, the shadow I’m running from is moving on and out on my own .I currently live with family members.  I fear not being able to financial make it. I already struggle as it is and the fear of not being able to afford bills, medicine, gas for the car, rent…whatever keeps me right where I am. I am not moving forward and I am not moving back. I am just here.

            I fear that I am missing out on life. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy. I love my friends. I love my family. I love my home, but there is just this aching feeling that there is something more out there.

I have a passion in life to help people. I have a passion in life to be a part of creating art. I want to write. I want to act. I want to produce. I want to direct. I want to live life creating magic, because art is magical.

 

“The only way to get rid of a shadow is to turn off the lights, to stop running from the darkness, and face what you fear…head on.”

 

I’m going to turn off the lights. I am going to tell my fears to shut up. I’m going to stop running from the doubt and insecurities that I cannot make it on my own. In order to face what I fear, head on. I am going to make a plan—of where I want to be and who I want to be. I am going to weigh the pros and cons of moving out. I am going to make a budget. I am going to make a plan to be where I want to be. Everything takes time. In one year, I want to be out and on my own. There are a few cities I have in mind. During this one year, I want to make a visit to each to see what city is the perfect one for me.

A long time ago, I was at church camp. We were in a prayer meeting. I heard God say, “Something amazing will happen in your life.” The number 26 appeared on the wall. Whether you believe this or not, it still means something to me. Shortly, after I turned 26 (about two months ago) I was reminded of this. I never knew what the 26 meant…26 days, 26 weeks, 26 years, 26 months??? I have a feeling now that 26 means this year. During my 26^th year, something amazing will happen. I still have ten months to figure it out.

 

So, here is to facing my fears head on. Here is to 26 and the amazing journey I am about to embark on.

 

 

THE HEART OF THE MATTER

“You’re going to hurt people. You’re going to get hurt. And if you ever want to recover, there’s really only one thing you can say, ‘I forgive you.’”—Grey’s Anatomy

I am sitting at Panera thinking of what to write and suddenly the power flicks off. The workers shout, “Not again!” Apparently, we’ve been struggling with a lot of power outages lately—as our computers have shut down twice this week at work. I thought maybe the surge of power was epiphany.  But I still sit here with nothing to write. I’ve had a long, interesting work week and I am thankful for the three day weekend ahead.  It will be nice to rest and relax and spend my time with family and friends.

            Family is by far the most important human structure in a person’s life. I am blessed to have the family that I’ve been given. Of course, there are times I stamp my feet and curse under my breath when they drive me crazy—but without my family…I’d be nothing. There are times in my life when I know I’ve hurt my family more than my friends.  Three simple words fixed it.  “Please forgive me.” Three simple words back evens the score. “I forgive you.”

Forgiveness is the key to happiness, love, prosperity and healing. A life cannot be lived in anger and hatefulness.  You must learn to forgive and forget. Your heart and life will be better for it.
It’s getting late and I’m running out into a writer’s block. So, I am concluding this blog with quotes on forgiveness, because sometimes it just might be the thing you needed to hear.

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”

Gandhi

“One forgives to the degree that one loves.”

Francois de La Rochefoucauld

 

“To err is human; to forgive, divine.”

Alexander Pope

 

“Forgiveness is the final form of love.”

Reinhold Niebuhr

 

“When you forgive, you in no way change the past - but you sure do change the future. “
Bernard Meltzer