Tell Me Sweet Little Lies

“The fact is lying is a necessity. We lie to ourselves because the truth freaking hurts. Here’s the truth about the truth….it hurts. So, we lie.”

                                                                                                -Grey’s Anatomy

I’m fine. I’m good. I’m okay. These are the most common lies we tell ourselves. If for one second, we let ourselves think otherwise everything will fall apart. I wrote this poem because, at first, I wanted to write this blog to hurt someone else. I am currently in a situation where I was lied to and I got hurt and my heart was broken. Writing about that particular situation… it is not going to get me anywhere, nor gain me anything. So, I took a deep sigh of relief and this is what came out:

I told a lie and I don’t know why

I told a lie to get me by

I told a lie, I told a lie

I told a lie and that lie grew

I told a lie and that lie soared

Lie for lie

Day by day,

I get by with my lies I tell to you

It started small then grew big

And before I knew it

Lying was easy, lying was good

I gained much more than I ever could

With my lies I told to you

I couldn’t stop, it became my game

Lying was my winning shame

For every lie I told

I made you believe that I was the greatest

Now aren’t you deceived?

The lies I tell are on my heels

My closest ones are left dismayed

I choose to lie

I’ve sealed my fate

Lying is my life’s fortune

I lie to live, I lie to breathe

Lie for lie, each day I continue

With my lies I tell to you.

                                -Written By: Jennifer L. White

PUSH

“We push ourselves because we have to; not because we like it.”

                                                                                                                -Grey’s Anatomy

Sometimes it is an absolute struggle to get out of bed in the mornings. There are days I would rather sit at home with a good book and not have to worry about reports, phone calls, filing, and data entry. However, if I chose to sit at home I could say good-bye to that paycheck. Paycheck….that word holds the power and the push to get me out of bed.

I’ve really been focusing this year on a healthy and stable lifestyle. I’m practicing more positive thinking. I’m eliminating negativity from my life. For once, I am focusing more on me. This is hard for me. I am always the type of person to put other’s wants and needs before my own. It has been draining and probably the cause of why I’m sick more often than not. This year is about me. My wants. My needs. So far, it has been completely edifying.

I remember a time when all I was doing was pushing myself just to live. About eleven years ago, I had been dealing with depression, suicidal thoughts, and stress for three years, and I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I wanted something different for myself. I wanted my life to become normal. Being depressed twenty-four seven will wear a person out. I wanted for once to feel free.

        When I went to school, church, or anywhere, I would put on a happy face but really be hurting on the inside. Every night for three years I would pray to God to help me. I would beg Him for peace. I waited and waited but nothing changed.

Meanwhile I started talking to my friends, and I thought it would help to tell someone about my problems. I never will forget how much my friends were there for me. My friends were always there to talk to me and give me encouragement. No matter how much encouragement I got it just did not fix the hurt inside. In spite of encouragement, I needed something more than kind words. I felt like I needed someone to wrap their arms around me and hold me, and tell me that they loved me. Finally, on February 8th, 2001 everything changed.

   I went to school that day knowing I would not return the next week. I took in every face, every smell, every memory and just held onto it; for it would be the last. I went home that afternoon making my final plans. I planned to go my church service that evening so I could say good-bye to the people who were there for me. I appreciated it and was thankful, but I could no longer take feeling so hurt and miserable. I went expecting nothing "important" to happen. But deep down I had a feeling that something was about to happen. The church service started out great. About half way through the service, the pastor Eastman Curtis, stops speaking and the whole sanctuary becomes silent; he said these words that changed my life. "Someone here tonight is dealing with suicide and I want her to come forward."

          At once my heart stopped. I could not think! I could barely move. Finally, I got feeling in my body, and I walked forward. The pastor put his hand on my shoulder, and he prayed. As he prayed, I felt like this weight had been lifted off my chest. It felt amazing. Then the pastor looked in my eyes and said, "I see the change in you."

As I walked back to my seat, my friend grabbed my arm pulled me to her and hugged me. I wanted to cry because I was so happy. She kissed me on the forehead and told me she loved me. I knew that she meant it, and that's what made me happier.  When I went home, I laid in my bed too overjoyed to sleep. I was free. I was finally free.

Whether or not you believe in the power of prayer, it doesn’t matter. Whether or not you believe a miracle happened in my life that night or not, it doesn’t matter. I know what happened.

I am here today because I pushed myself to go to church. My almost farewell has brought me to where I am today. I’m here because I pushed myself to hold on. I pushed myself because when all I wanted to do is give up. I pushed. I pushed and look. I’m still here and I know God had a hand in it.

I shared a piece of my heart because no matter how tough life gets, we have to push. We have to push ourselves because life does get better. I promise. I’m a living example that life does get better.

                In college, I had a wall of confessions….it consisted of ten positive things I had to say about myself before I left my dorm room for the day. It worked. It was the best medicine I could give myself.

Today, I have four confessions. I don’t always say them every day, but I’m going to start.

1.       I am who I am. I have a right to be here. I have nothing to prove.

2.       You’re original, cannot be replaced.

3.       Be fabulous. Don’t let one thing ruin your life.

4.       Control what I can control.

If you ever find yourself dragging your feet, just know that if you give yourself a little push—you might end up surprising yourself.

Shake Your Groove Thing

“Adulthood is responsibility.”

                                                                -Grey’s Anatomy

This quote is perfect for my blog tonight. Adulthood definitely is responsibility and I got a good taste of it this past week.

I’m thankful I have medical insurance. I’m thankful I have good medical insurance. I spent roughly $100 these past two weeks in medical bills, doctor appointments, medication, and testing. Also, I had to take out another credit card (strictly for healthcare purposes) to pay for my wisdom teeth surgery. It’s hard. It’s hard when you make barely enough money to cover your bills and you have to spend what little money you have on necessary means. I do it (sometimes without complaining) because I know that it will make me a better person. I do it (sometimes without complaining) because my time will come when I am working the job of my dreams and money isn’t a concern. I’ve been working extra hard at my job to prove I’m worthy of the raise I asked for last month. I’ve been picking up extra babysitting jobs because the extra money is nice to have.

It’s so pathetic that a green piece of government paper holds so much power over us. That a piece of green paper determines so much of who and what you are in society. It’s so pathetic that I’m also afraid of that piece of green paper. That piece of green paper has held me back from moving on and out and pursuing my dreams; because, without that paper I cannot do a whole hell of a lot.

I wish there was a class on adulthood before we leave college. However, if I took it I probably would not have listened nor paid attention. Adulthood has a negative connotation. As kids, we couldn’t wait to be adults…now that we are here, we stop and stare and say, “Is this real life??”

If there is one thing adulthood has taught me it is this: that in the midst of the storm of life, it will always calm down and there will be sunshine. As adults we get too caught up in bills, money, work, bills, money, work…and maybe we just need to stop and shake it out. Dance it out.

Do you know how much stress is relieved when you dance it out? I came home from a really bad day at work and played Just Dance 3 by myself on the Nintendo Wii and I completely forgot about my bad day.

So, instead of letting the burden of adulthood get me down I plan on shaking my groove thing when times get tough. Will you shake your groove thing too?

Now or Never

 “Did you say it?  I love you. I don’t ever want to live without you. You changed my life.  Did you say it?  Make a plan. Set a goal, work toward it but every now and then look around, Drink it in.  ‘Cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow. “ –Meredith Grey, Grey’s Anatomy

As I wrote this quote out, I actually stopped to text a friend to tell her she changed my life when she let me be a part of a production in college. It was such a defining moment in my life. An experience so gratifying that I wouldn’t change it for the world or the people that were a part of it.

Here recently, I’ve been dreaming a lot about my own death, but in these fantasy situations. Twice, I’ve died on the Titanic. I’ve been shot, I’ve been stabbed, I’ve stopped breathing, and I’ve died of old age. Curiosity got the best of me and I goggled, “what does it mean to die in your own dreams?”

“To dream that you die in your dream symbolizes inner changes, transformation, self-discovery and positive development that is happening within you or your life. You are undergoing a transitional phase and are becoming more enlightened or spiritual. Although such a dream may bring about feelings of fear and anxiety, it is no cause for alarm as it is often considered a positive symbol. Dreams of experiencing your own death usually means that big changes are ahead for you. You are moving on to new beginnings and leaving the past behind. These changes does not necessarily imply a negative turn of events. Metaphorically, dying can be seen as an end or a termination to your old ways and habits. So, dying does not always mean a physical death, but an ending of something. On a negative note, to dream that you die may represent involvement in deeply painful relationships or unhealthy, destructive behaviors. You may feeling depressed or feel strangled by a situation or person in your waking life. Perhaps your mind is preoccupied with someone who is terminally ill or dying. Alternatively, you may be trying to get out of some obligation, responsibility or other situation. You are desperately trying to escape from the demands of your daily life.” –Dreammoods.com

I have definitely made 2012 a year of new beginnings. I’ve been striving to reach for the positive and change how I was living in my life. I’m done with the negative. In retrospect, I was my own worst enemy…I was both my problem and my solution. I was just too arrogant to fix myself. Well, that arrogance is gone. I am a better me. I’ve stopped biting my nails after twenty years of biting them. I’ve been writing this blog. Writing has always been a passion of mine. I was told by every English teacher since eighth grade that writing was my forte and I should pursue writing….maybe I will. I’m twenty-six years young—I’ve got time. I bought a keyboard and I’ve been teaching myself popular songs. It is the most peaceful, relaxing time I give myself. I cannot help but get all giddy and smile when I accomplish learning a song. It is pretty flippin’ awesome.

Drink it in. Cause this is it. It might be all gone tomorrow. We are given one life. One chance, one shot. Make it right. Do what you love. Keep pressing on. Don’t go to bed angry. Let the people in your life know you love them. Let the people in your life know if they changed your life. For once, in a really long time I’m happy. I intended on staying happy. I was once told, “Control what you can control.” I can control my emotions. I can consciously choose to be happy. I’ve been on the flip side of happiness. Dark. Cold. Desolate. Who wants that life? Not me! I am my own destiny. I can choose to make it what I want. Just watch….I’m going to make it a beautiful work of art.