To write well, you must write what you know.This is what I know......

Thursday, August 9, 2012


“When we say things like ‘people don’t change,’ it drives scientist crazy; because, change is literally the only constant in all of science. Energy, matter, it’s always changing. Morphing. Merging. Growing. Dying.  It’s the way people try not to change that is unnatural. The way we cling to what things were, instead of letting them be what they are. The way we cling to old memories, instead of forming new ones.”—Grey’s Anatomy

I have this memory of being completely surrounded by love. I have never felt more accepted in my life than when I was in college. As the time passes and the years grow longer from when I graduated, I still cling to this memory of love, acceptance, respect, and togetherness. College changed me for the better. I have changed for the better.
            I used to be this one way street walker. I was totally driven by conviction and what my family deemed as moral. I lived my life for others and all I found was misery in my strive for perfection.
I became a cutter and a risk taker. For once as the blood poured from my wrists, I was imperfect. I was wounded. I took large amounts of Tylenol PM hoping that when I drifted off to sleep, I wouldn’t wake up again. I was no longer able to live up to an expectation and I truly wanted to die. I had planned to kill myself, but at the last minute God reached down his arm and he saved me. I have shared this story before of how God saved me. I’m thankful I am here. I am beyond grateful for God and His saving grace.

        I’m not religious. I’m not spiritual. I have faith. I believe in God. I believe in the devil. I believe in Heaven. I believe in Hell. I’m just not a fan of the religious institutions. I believe that it is about a relationship. I do not have to sit and define my relationship with God to anyone. That is between Him and me.
I haven’t attended church in almost a year. I’m not sure where I stand anymore, as I’m struggling with everything I was ever told in church. After I left my home church of twelve years, to attend college, not one person ever reached out to talk to me (nor I to them--I was hurt). I thought church was about family and acceptance—but then again the church has proved me wrong. I have a feeling most of my church family has abandoned me because of my political stance. According to my family, you cannot be a Christian and be a democrat, liberal, or independent. I’m sorry, but just because one book says homosexuality is wrong—it gives me NO RIGHT to condemn anyone else or take away someone’s livelihood. I 1,5000%  support equality. Love is just love. Love isn’t gay love. Love isn’t black love. Love isn’t white love. Love knows no race, gender, color, or creed. As my eight year old cousin, eloquently put it, “Fish have love. Birds have love. Love is just love.”

My BFAX family was the closest thing true agape love and the closest thing to a real family. I didn’t have to prove anything to them. I could just be as I was. I grew to be a better person. I grew to be a better actress. I changed for the better because of the love I had and felt during my three and a half wonderful years as a part of the BFAX family. As we continue to grow, merge, morph into our adulthood—accept change. Be free to discoveries. Let old memories warm your heart and let new memories take hold of the present and the future


  1. Beautiful and honest. The hardest thing in the world is learning to unconditionally love and accept yourself and stop punishing yourself mentally or physically for your mistakes or shortcomings. Sounds like you've already got a head start in that direction!! And don't ever forget, you'll always have our love and acceptance no matter where we all are!!! Keep growing, changing and bathe yourself in love pretty girl!!!! :) love.

    1. Thank you Shelby. I am so glad to have you as a support system. Just as you have my back, I have got yours. Love.