Staring at the Sun

“When it comes to our blind spots…maybe our brains aren’t compensating…maybe they’re protecting us.”

                                                                        -Meredith, Grey’s Anatomy

Have you ever stared at the sun for a really long time? Took too many pictures with a flash and see all these little white spots?

I did not want to write tonight. After an exhausting thirty minute cry session, I said “Fuck it, I’m going to sleep.” However, this quote is exactly why I was crying. Blind spots. No, not the blind spots we learned about in driver’s education…the blind spots in life.

            My brain can be best described as an overprotective mother. I know this because I’ve been so blind to the things that have really mattered in my life. Love, happiness, and a career. Because let’s face it; nowadays, you are not getting ANYWHERE without a career to pay those bills, and in my case those lovely loans from attending a private college. I wish my brain would stop protecting me, but maybe there is a reason to its madness. Maybe I’m just not ready.

Love. I dream of falling in love. I dream of being in love. I had a chance at real love when I was 18. I am talking butterflies, fireworks, homeruns, movie magic it was all that and more. I chickened out. I ran the other way and I lost him. This wonderful, perfect person who made everything about life worth living---okay, okay it sounds completely cheesy; but, I am being 100% honest. Thinking about him now and knowing where I would be today if I were with him, I’m not quite sure I want that life. I know I am nowhere near ready to be married or in a relationship. I’m still struggling with trust issues after a traumatizing sexual assault. I’ll get there one day. I will have that movie magic, real life, butterflies, and firework love. My brain is just protecting me until I am completely healed mentally, emotionally, and physically.

Happiness. If you ask anyone what they want in life or what they wish, most will answer “to be happy.” Happiness is available to anyone and they chose is yours. You can chose how your day goes and if unforeseen circumstances get in the way, you can control the outcome by how you will react. This makes me think of a quote I heard over and over by a college professor, “Control what you can control.” I can control my happiness. I am going to choose to be happy from this moment on. I’ve been blind to my happiness, my brain isn’t protecting me on this one—I have a job. I have friends. I have family. I am healthy. I am breathing. I am living. I cannot control my situation at this moment, but I can chose to be happy with what I have and know that there is more to come. 2012 is my year. 2012 is my year to be 100% happy with the life I have and will have. To live in the moment of here and now and not tomorrow or yesterday.

Career. I said at the beginning of the year that 2012 is my year to find a job in the entertainment field. As most of you know, I went to school for acting. I love acting. It is my true passion. I love art. I love writing—it is another one of my passions. I love being behind the scenes of a show. I love production. So, I’ve decided to be a writer/producer/actor/production management/stage management/director’s assistant/production assistant. My passion in life is to create, to evoke emotion, to entertain. It is an extremely hard career choice, I know this. I believe I have the passion and the drive to get me to that place—to that career I have always wanted. Whether, I am center stage, behind a camera, I just know I belonging in the arts. It may happen tomorrow, it may happen in a few weeks, it may happen in months---YEARS (well I hope not years)…I’M GOING TO GET THERE.

“When it comes to our blind spots…maybe our brains aren’t compensating…maybe they’re protecting us.”

The brain is the body’s most mysterious organ. I cannot say for sure when my brain will tell my heart that I’m ready to stop being protected—that it is okay to take a chance, to take a leap of faith to stare directly into the sun….with sunglasses, mind you. I don’t really want to go blind. Or see those annoying white spots.

But then again, maybe all this talk of love, happiness, and career is just my brain’s way of telling my heart that I’m just not ready for all that.  That I cannot change lanes just yet and crash into the SUV…and that protecting me is the best way until my opportunity comes to get into the other lane.