Begin the Begin Pt. 2

"Fresh starts. Thanks to the calendar, they happen every year. Just set your watch to January."

--Grey’s Anatomy

Thank God for a brand new year…a fresh start. 2013, here's to you.

I sit here on my parents’ couch, curled up with a blanket, the fire place blazing and I just feel this overwhelming sense of comfort and accomplishment. This is my fifty-second blog. One blog a week for a whole year…I did it. I freaking did it.
          Just like 2011, 2012 was a challenge between job, friendships, family, etc. I am still at the same job and I’ve been there for two and a half years. Just like I stated on my first blog, I know I cannot stay at this job forever. I have a passion in my life for entertainment. I have a passion for writing. I have a passion for art. I have a passion for people. I wanted to make a life change in 2012, but it just never worked out. This year just has to be my year. 2013, here is to taking a risk, moving away, and working towards my passion.
Just like 2011, 2012 defined friendships for me. I lost a friend. I thought we’d be friends forever. The relationship was just toxic. We were only going to end up hurting one another—so I told her I was stepping away and calling it quits. It’s never easy ending a friendship. It hurt me, but it also saved me. I never wanted to hurt that person, but it is what I had to do. I hope that she can find peace and love in life. The upside to losing friends, is gaining friends. I’m thankful for all my friendships. I hope that 2013 brings me more friendships and makes my current friendships stronger.
        2012 was a good year for my family. My brothers may still be lost and throwing their lives away, but I think some reality has set in that they do not ever want to go back to jail.
My mom got a promotion at work and my parents are going to be doing very well. I am happy for them. They struggled so much when I was little that they finally have the means. It is a major blessing.
My mom’s job promotion took her to Canada for the majority of 2012, so I had the privilege of hanging out with a friend’s family, who became my surrogate family this past year. I am thankful for them too. I wish nothing but the best for them in 2013.

“Our reward for surviving the holiday season is a new year. Bringing on the great tradition of New Year’s resolutions. “

 
I set four resolutions for 2012. I met three of them.
Goal 1: Write a blog for an entire year= ACCOMPLISHED
Goal 2: Learn to play piano= ACCOMPLSHED (and still working on it)
Goal 3: Stop biting my nails= ACCOMPLISHED
Goal 4: Get Katy Perry to see my tattoo= NOT ACCOMPLISHED (but I’m not giving up).

My resolutions 2013 are: continue to write, continue to play piano, pursue my dreams, take risks, live fully to my greatest potential and my year to fully embrace all that life has to offer.

“It’s hard to resist the chance at a new beginning.”

Friends, take this chance for your new beginning. Live your life to your greatest potential in 2013. And remember what's important, it is important to remember that "we never stop believing we can have a new beginning."

GRANDMA GOT RUN OVER BY A REINDEER

“There’s an old proverb that says you can’t choose your family. You take what fates hand you. And like them or not, love them or not, understand them or not…you cope..”--Grey’s Anatomy

 This Christmas was probably one of my favorite Christmas’.  I was surrounded by family, friends, good food, and lots of love. What more could I have possibly wanted? Well, I have an answer to this: I want, more than anything, to have a relationship with my younger brother.  

            He has this chip on his shoulder that “the world is out to get me.” One glance or one small, insignificant thing said to him makes him blow up. I had said something to him (I cannot even remember what), he got up and left the room and started going off at me at the kitchen table. My aunt said to him, “You know Matt you can’t choose your family, so you will just have to tolerate them.” She is absolutely right.

          There are times when I want nothing more than to beat my family with a giant walking stick. They have this major obsession that I need to hurry up, find a boyfriend, get married, and have kids. I am perfectly fine living the single life. I am enjoying me—even if it is completely selfish, I am enjoying me. My family also has a major obsession with me finding and going to church. I am not really willing to discuss that at the moment. My relationship with God is between myself and God—no one else. When I feel the need to go to church and further that relationship with God, or restore that relationship with God—then I’ll go. But, for now—I’m just having a hard time figuring it all out. I still pray and talk to God—he knows my heart and he can be the judge. My family needs to back off.

Besides all the criticism for being single and not being a church-goer, I know that my family will be there to support me and help me 100%, whenever I need it. That’s what matters. The fighting doesn’t matter. The love and support and knowing I have someone who will always be there, does.

            My brother may never grow up or change. The chip on his shoulder just might grow into a boulder and I will never be able to have a relationship with him. I’ve tried to show interest in the things he likes, but he just won’t engage in the conversation. I’ve asked him to go somewhere fun with me, like the mall or out to eat and he hangs up the phone. It hurts and it’s sad that he doesn’t even want to try. I’m trying. My mom just keeps saying, “Just kill him with kindness.”

So, I will. I will never understand why he has chosen to be the way he is, but maybe someday—years down the road, he will change—and I will welcome him. He is my baby brother, after all.

A POEM

I did promise myself and my readers 52 weeks worth of blogging. I wanted to make it mostly a tribute to Grey's Anatomy, as I think some of the quotes from the show have affected my life. But, as I read the quotes....nothing sticks out. I went through my poetry folder. I found this poem, and for some odd reason it just "stuck out." Enjoy!

I’m stuck inside this room

Here without you

Chained to the walls

No light, only night

Breathing hard

Falling fast

Facing all my fears at once

 

Bring me back to the place, where the light never fades

Safe inside the arms of you

Is where I want to be

So, bring me back to that place

 

Running away from it all

Nothing left to fight for anymore

Loud roars to cover my cries

No one sees the “me” inside this room (take me away)

 

Bring me back to that place where I first saw your face

Safe inside the arms of you

Where the light never fades

Take me back to that place

 

                  -Written: July 31^st, 2005



IF ONLY YOU WERE LONELY

“You can seek the advice of others, surround yourself with trusted advisors, but in the end the decision is always yours and yours alone. And when it is time to act and you’re all alone with your back up against the wall, the only voice that matters is the one in your head. The one telling you what you probably already knew. The one that’s almost always right.” –Grey’s Anatomy

This week I’m on trial. I’m facing charges of lack of intimacy and male companionship, attending college and getting a degree I am currently not using, and having too much debt. When life throws a curve ball, I seem to catch it square in the face. I’d like to take a further look into these charges; after all I am the only one defending myself.

 

Charge 1: Lack of intimacy and male companionship.

Exhibit A: Conversation (While I was texting on my phone)
Prosecutor: Do boys text you?
Me: No
Prosecutor: Do you text boys?
Me: No.
Prosecutor (disgusted look across face, condescending tone): Well….WHY?

 I have no idea why my lack of dating is directly correlated to my sexual preference. There is no man in my life presently, therefore I must be gay. I have never really dated. I have never had a boyfriend. I have my reasons. I do not trust most men/guys/boys. I went through a trauma which has made it difficult to allow myself to open up and consider dating. I’m working on it. I am healing the broken pieces to make myself whole again. How can I expect to be in a relationship and share myself with that person, if I am not complete myself? I was told that whatever you have on your list for a potential mate, you better be sure you can be and have those qualities too.

I am not perfect, nor will I ever be. I just want to make sure I am not settling for anything less than the best, because that is what I know I deserve. This charge comes from an unhappy, bitter divorcee—so I guess I should consider my source.

Charge 2: Attending college and getting a degree that is not being used

I went to college knowing full well it would be hard to get a job with my degree; yet, it did not stop me. I have had a passion for the arts and entertainment since the day I was born. I have always had a fascination with film, television and the theatre. I knew that I was meant to act, write, produce, and direct. For those who may be curious, or not already know, I received a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Acting. However, in college (and always) when I wasn’t cast in a show, I offered to lend a hand to the technical side and enjoyed it just as much as acting. After college, I moved to a place where I tried out theatre, film, and TV. I got some jobs and some work, but my living situation was not working, so I moved home. I had to quickly find a job to support me and be able to pay back my student/private loans. I got a job—two and a half years later, I am still here. I may not be acting, but I am expressing myself creatively. I write. I play piano. I paint. I am always looking for acting opportunities and submitting myself for commercials and local films. I am always looking for new plays and monologues. I am one of millions of people attempting to work in the entertainment industry. If I get a break one day, then that will be fabulous. If not, I will continue to work in this field because I am passionate about no matter how big or small the job is.

Charge 3: Having too much debt

I have a dream car. This dream car is solely based on my love for the TV show Supernatural. This dream car is a 1967 Chevy Impala, color black. I was searching through the classifieds the other day, during lunch, and I found one for $6,000. It may be green, but I could get it painted. I said, “I found my dream car for $6,000.” My supervisor made this snide comment, “You can have that car in twenty years when you pay off your student loans or when President Obama takes care of them for you.” I wanted to tell my supervisor, “I had no idea my financial situation was such a burden to you or any of your business.” I went to a private college, knowing full-well of the financial burden it would be. I knew it would be a struggle and there would be times when I would let myself regret the decision. But, I would not trade the friendships I have for the money it cost. The money I spent on college is completely worth the financial burden. I have support systems all over the United States, and I am sure wherever I end up—someone will be there to have my back. That’s true friendship…that is family.

            I’d like to add that my college debt is my only debt. I have no credit cards. I own my car. My school debt is all I have. Yes, it is a lot of money—but I’m paying it back and learning responsibility. I have a pretty strict budget that I follow and I rarely break this budget. Being at this job for the past two and a half years, I have learned what it will take for me to be able to survive on my own somewhere else. I know how much money I will need to make and I feel I am pretty responsible with my money, that I will be able to make wise decisions and not have to ask for help or assistance from anyone.

 

Sometimes I feel like I need to say, “Until you have walked a mile in my shoes, you cannot even begin to judge me or have any say in what I do or do not do.” I rarely seek the advice from family, with the exception of my parents. My family just does not understand me. My family did not help me decide on college. My family does not/will not/could not help me decide on my love life. My family will not and should not have any say in my debt or what I do with my money.

            My college friends are probably the highest of my trusted advisors. They understand the burdens and financial hardships. They understand the realization of working to survive and putting that acting career on the back burner or finding other creative outlets, or completely different careers. I am proud of all of them. No matter what.

It seems like there has been a lot of negativity thrown my way this week. I have felt the need to justify my life and decisions, when truly…I do not need to justify myself to anyone. The decision is mine and mine alone to decide what I do with my life. I may not always listen to the positive voice inside me, but I know it’s in there. You can do this. You can do this. That’s the voice I want to always listen to, because as Meredith Grey says it’s “the one that is almost always right.”

When I have extra money, I want to get tattooed on my wrist. I am who I am. I have a right to be here. I have nothing to prove. I feel like this quote will be my constant reminder that although the world may judge and question my presence, I know who I am. I know I have a right to live freely and happily. And finally, I know that I will have nothing to prove.

DESIRE

“Desire can wreck your life; but, as tough as wanting something can be…the people who suffer the most are those who don’t know what they want.”—Grey’s Anatomy

 Last week, I was overwhelmed with the desire to return to school.  I wanted to be a pediatric nurse. I wanted to be a doctor. I wanted to be an FBI agent. I wanted to be a lawyer. I wanted to be a counselor. I wanted to get a second degree in theatre and/or acting.

       Today, I have the overwhelming desire to move out of the current state I live in and to somewhere where I can work and pursue acting, writing, production work, etc.
It is almost as if I truly do not know what I want in my life anymore. There are days I consider finally opening my heart and start to date. There are days when I shudder at the fact of having children and days when I cannot wait to be a mom.  Therefore, according to this quote, I am in the category of suffering—for not knowing what I want.

 It is dangerous (I feel) to live life by a plan—because as I’ve experienced in my short twenty-six years, nothing ever goes according to plan. I think life is best lived my setting goals and doing what you can to meet those goals.

For 2012, I set three goals: stop biting my nails, write a blog for an entire year, and get Katy Perry to see my tattoo.
I have accomplished two out of three. I have not bitten my nails once this year. I have written a blog a week for almost the entire year. This is blog forty-eight and I have to get to fifty-two. So, my last goal is to get Katy Perry to see my tattoo, whether I get to personal show her or she sees the picture on the internet—I just want her to see it.

I’m proud of myself. I used to be terrible at setting and accomplishing goals, so 2013, I feel will be another year of accomplishing more goals that I have.

Desire can be poison. As you can see, I had all these desires to return to school, but I didn’t act on that desire.
I constantly struggle with the fear of moving on and leaving behind what I know for fear of the unknown and uncertain.
My support system here is what keeps me together. The people here in my life make my life enjoyable and if I have to work a mediocre job that I loathe—it almost seems like the job should be tolerable. I know I cannot keep up with this and I need to continue to search for more and improve my life—because I know that I am meant for something more.

So, for 2013 my goals are: to move out of my current state, to get a new job, and to not hold back.

To not hold back seems pretty vague, I just want to not let fear hold me back. I do not want to miss out on wonderful opportunities because of fear. I want to be able to have regrets and make mistakes. I want to be able to enjoy life as much as possible while there is life to live.

I know my blogs are not good every week. I have good weeks and I have bad weeks, but it has never held me back from not writing. I know some people who read and some are complete strangers, yet I appreciate every single page view and every single comment. This blog has given me the confidence that maybe one day, I can pursue writing.

I was told since I was ten years old that I had a gift for writing. I think this is where my good desire lies; I have a desire to write always and always. Once again, I want to thank my readers. I am so elated with the good response I have received as it continually boosts my confidence that I have what it takes. Desire can wreck your life, but I think it also brings you possibilities to chase all of your dreams.

Conversations with my 13 Year Old Self

   (Yes, I would like to credit my blog title to the P!nk song from her I'm Not Dead album)

 

I was cleaning out my closet the other day and I came across all of my old journals. I have kept a journal since I was about seven years old, as I have always found it therapeutic to write. I came across a journal that I kept from age twelve to age twenty-three.

      I read through it for a few hours and was heart-broken by the girl that I once was. There is so much anguish in my writing. I was a distraught teenager, just desperately trying to belong. I know that the thirteen year old me wants to blame my parents. The thirteen year old me wants to blame all the what nots, maybe’s, broken promises, and empty hopes. Being a teenager is one of the hardest things we experience in our lives. The sudden surge of hormones has you laughing one minute, crying the next, and before you know it you are so angry—you could scream. Maybe not every teenager felt this way, but I know I certainly did. I decided to share one of my journal entries from December 1^st, 1999.

                I know this was supposed to be a “grateful” journal, but now I think I want it to be a diary. I really haven’t had the time to sit down and write what’s really going on. So, now I have the chance…and I feel like it needs to be written.

This summer I tried to commit suicide…twice. I thought it would never happen to me, but it did. I don’t really know why I wanted to, but it was just mainly because I felt like I wasn’t loved, nobody listened to me and I felt lonely and desperate. I still have thoughts about it, about doing it. But, I don’t think God wants me right now. I mean all I have to do is….I DON’T KNOW!!!!! Another reason was because I was told, I couldn’t be an actress.

     If there was a way where I could put myself up for adoption, I would. You know all my parents do is yell, yell, YELL, YELL, YELL!!! I HATE IT!!! I wish I could live with Grandma. These past few weeks Aunt Chrissy asked me what I changed so much and what I was such a…..I can’t remember what she said.

Anyway, I wish I could move out for a few weeks away from my parents to find a way to be a better person and a way to respect them. Or, a way to find out something.

     Today, a teacher gave me a really sweet card about how she “wonders what the future holds for me,” and “how sweet I am in class.” If only my parents understood how I felt. If they could understand that I need to I get away. But, I CANNOT runaway. It’s not right. I do not know what to do.

 As you can see, I never succeeding in killing myself—even though I attempted it a few more times and eventually became a cutter—a terrible cutter, or just lucky that I have very few visible scars. Sometimes, I am constantly reminded of the thirteen year old me and how far that I have come along. I am happy. I have a good relationship with my parents now. I have a good family. I have amazingly, wonderful friends. I have a job—even though I hate it. I have enough money to pay bills and splurge a little—it is tough…but it is life. I have my health. I have a home.

    I sit here writing, I know that I am meant for something more than just the corporate job and a cubicle space…I believe I am meant to help others. I believe I am meant to share my story. I believe I am meant to write. I am a driven, passionate, hard working person—I will do everything in my power to accomplish my goals. My life is what it is and was what it was. I am not defined or know by my past---I just had to go through it to be who I am today….a beautiful, strong, confident woman who loves endlessly and stops at nothing. I am moving forward and not holding back. I am who I am. I have a right to be here. I have nothing to prove.

 



LOSING MY MIND

“Don’t wonder why people go crazy, wonder why they don’t. In the face of all we can lose in a day…in an instant…wonder what the hell it is that makes us hold it together.”—Grey’s Anatomy

 “I’m losing my mind!!” This is my cliché phrase as I frantically search for misplaced keys, misplaced paperwork, and most certainly my iPhone. The keys that were on your desk five minutes ago have suddenly and metaphorically walked away, yet they are found still hanging in the lock. The phone you are talking on is the phone you are looking for. The paperwork you are looking for is either in your hand; or, sitting right in front of you. It is moments like these, when I really consider that I am losing my mind.

            Last night, I left my keys to my home and office keys sitting on my office desk. I got home to unlock the door and began to dig through my purse. No keys. I knocked, and thankfully someone was home. Thankfully, when I got to work this morning, my keys were still sitting on my desk. Losing keys, losing your phone, losing paperwork is pretty minimal compared to what most people can lose in a day. I do not want to address loss, as I am in a wonderful mood and am taking this blog writing in a completely different direction.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. It will be a Thanksgiving without my mom, who is up in Canada for a work project. I am sad that she won’t be there; but I am thankful for the friends and family that I will be spending Thanksgiving with.
         I remember countless Thanksgiving’s standing in a circle with loved ones, stating what we are most thankful for. Hoping that the tradition continues this year, I shall start early sharing what I am most thankful this year.
I am thankful for my health. I’ve been through a lot of health scares these past three years, and I finally feel as I am in control of my body.
I am thankful for my job. As much as I complain about my job, I am thankful I have a job that pays my bills and allows me to live. Granted, I live by limited means…I am living and comfortably satisfied with what I have.
I am thankful for my grandparents, who allow me to live with them and do not expect much. However, I do pay them rent and help out with any other expenses. I help cook, clean, and am there to watch the house when they leave for vacation.
I am thankful for my parents, who are always there. A couple months ago, I had to make a repair to my car. I did not have the $600. My parents borrowed it to me and I was able to work out a payment plan to pay them back. They sometimes still spoil me with random shopping trips and take me out for lunch. As crazy as they make me, I love my parents.
I am thankful for my friends. Most of my friendships are purely through internet and phone contact, but I am thankful for those times when I know I could totally count on them to help me out. I am thankful for running into old high school friends—and having the ability to reconnect. My friends have been more a part of my life than my extended family. I trust that my friends know that I would do anything for them. I can always send a funny quote or picture to make them smile; or, be able to identify the quote of a random Facebook status.
I am thankful for “my person.” I am not sure I have ever referred to her as a friend—because, to me…she is more than that. I know that my Grey’s Anatomy obsession is totally showing right now, but she is the Cristina to my Meredith. We are totally insane—and I think that is what allows us to have such a good friendship. We have known each other for about eighteen years. I am, eight years older than her…but she has always said since she was very young, “I have the maturity and common sense of a thirty-year old.” She graduates high school in May. I have held off moving, because I cannot imagine living far away from her. Skype would not be enough.

            It is the simple things that keep me sane. It is the love of friends and family that make life less crazy, however ironically it is also what drives you crazy. Without family…without friends….I’m pretty sure my life would be a completely different story. A character on Boy Meets World put it best when he said, “Lose one friend. Lose all friends. Lose yourself.” So, friends and family thank you for keeping me together. In the face of all I could lose, my job, my friends, my family…the fact that I know love is coming from somewhere and I have that support system in place, makes me know I have what it takes to keep from falling apart.

PS: I am blown away by the number of reads my blog gets. I am thankful for all readers past and present. I hope to one day do this as a profession or write for television shows and movies. Or, maybe write for Ellen Degeneres.