Tell Me Sweet Little Lies

“The fact is lying is a necessity. We lie to ourselves because the truth freaking hurts. Here’s the truth about the truth….it hurts. So, we lie.”

                                                                                                -Grey’s Anatomy

I’m fine. I’m good. I’m okay. These are the most common lies we tell ourselves. If for one second, we let ourselves think otherwise everything will fall apart. I wrote this poem because, at first, I wanted to write this blog to hurt someone else. I am currently in a situation where I was lied to and I got hurt and my heart was broken. Writing about that particular situation… it is not going to get me anywhere, nor gain me anything. So, I took a deep sigh of relief and this is what came out:

I told a lie and I don’t know why

I told a lie to get me by

I told a lie, I told a lie

I told a lie and that lie grew

I told a lie and that lie soared

Lie for lie

Day by day,

I get by with my lies I tell to you

It started small then grew big

And before I knew it

Lying was easy, lying was good

I gained much more than I ever could

With my lies I told to you

I couldn’t stop, it became my game

Lying was my winning shame

For every lie I told

I made you believe that I was the greatest

Now aren’t you deceived?

The lies I tell are on my heels

My closest ones are left dismayed

I choose to lie

I’ve sealed my fate

Lying is my life’s fortune

I lie to live, I lie to breathe

Lie for lie, each day I continue

With my lies I tell to you.

                                -Written By: Jennifer L. White

PUSH

“We push ourselves because we have to; not because we like it.”

                                                                                                                -Grey’s Anatomy

Sometimes it is an absolute struggle to get out of bed in the mornings. There are days I would rather sit at home with a good book and not have to worry about reports, phone calls, filing, and data entry. However, if I chose to sit at home I could say good-bye to that paycheck. Paycheck….that word holds the power and the push to get me out of bed.

I’ve really been focusing this year on a healthy and stable lifestyle. I’m practicing more positive thinking. I’m eliminating negativity from my life. For once, I am focusing more on me. This is hard for me. I am always the type of person to put other’s wants and needs before my own. It has been draining and probably the cause of why I’m sick more often than not. This year is about me. My wants. My needs. So far, it has been completely edifying.

I remember a time when all I was doing was pushing myself just to live. About eleven years ago, I had been dealing with depression, suicidal thoughts, and stress for three years, and I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I wanted something different for myself. I wanted my life to become normal. Being depressed twenty-four seven will wear a person out. I wanted for once to feel free.

        When I went to school, church, or anywhere, I would put on a happy face but really be hurting on the inside. Every night for three years I would pray to God to help me. I would beg Him for peace. I waited and waited but nothing changed.

Meanwhile I started talking to my friends, and I thought it would help to tell someone about my problems. I never will forget how much my friends were there for me. My friends were always there to talk to me and give me encouragement. No matter how much encouragement I got it just did not fix the hurt inside. In spite of encouragement, I needed something more than kind words. I felt like I needed someone to wrap their arms around me and hold me, and tell me that they loved me. Finally, on February 8th, 2001 everything changed.

   I went to school that day knowing I would not return the next week. I took in every face, every smell, every memory and just held onto it; for it would be the last. I went home that afternoon making my final plans. I planned to go my church service that evening so I could say good-bye to the people who were there for me. I appreciated it and was thankful, but I could no longer take feeling so hurt and miserable. I went expecting nothing "important" to happen. But deep down I had a feeling that something was about to happen. The church service started out great. About half way through the service, the pastor Eastman Curtis, stops speaking and the whole sanctuary becomes silent; he said these words that changed my life. "Someone here tonight is dealing with suicide and I want her to come forward."

          At once my heart stopped. I could not think! I could barely move. Finally, I got feeling in my body, and I walked forward. The pastor put his hand on my shoulder, and he prayed. As he prayed, I felt like this weight had been lifted off my chest. It felt amazing. Then the pastor looked in my eyes and said, "I see the change in you."

As I walked back to my seat, my friend grabbed my arm pulled me to her and hugged me. I wanted to cry because I was so happy. She kissed me on the forehead and told me she loved me. I knew that she meant it, and that's what made me happier.  When I went home, I laid in my bed too overjoyed to sleep. I was free. I was finally free.

Whether or not you believe in the power of prayer, it doesn’t matter. Whether or not you believe a miracle happened in my life that night or not, it doesn’t matter. I know what happened.

I am here today because I pushed myself to go to church. My almost farewell has brought me to where I am today. I’m here because I pushed myself to hold on. I pushed myself because when all I wanted to do is give up. I pushed. I pushed and look. I’m still here and I know God had a hand in it.

I shared a piece of my heart because no matter how tough life gets, we have to push. We have to push ourselves because life does get better. I promise. I’m a living example that life does get better.

                In college, I had a wall of confessions….it consisted of ten positive things I had to say about myself before I left my dorm room for the day. It worked. It was the best medicine I could give myself.

Today, I have four confessions. I don’t always say them every day, but I’m going to start.

1.       I am who I am. I have a right to be here. I have nothing to prove.

2.       You’re original, cannot be replaced.

3.       Be fabulous. Don’t let one thing ruin your life.

4.       Control what I can control.

If you ever find yourself dragging your feet, just know that if you give yourself a little push—you might end up surprising yourself.

Shake Your Groove Thing

“Adulthood is responsibility.”

                                                                -Grey’s Anatomy

This quote is perfect for my blog tonight. Adulthood definitely is responsibility and I got a good taste of it this past week.

I’m thankful I have medical insurance. I’m thankful I have good medical insurance. I spent roughly $100 these past two weeks in medical bills, doctor appointments, medication, and testing. Also, I had to take out another credit card (strictly for healthcare purposes) to pay for my wisdom teeth surgery. It’s hard. It’s hard when you make barely enough money to cover your bills and you have to spend what little money you have on necessary means. I do it (sometimes without complaining) because I know that it will make me a better person. I do it (sometimes without complaining) because my time will come when I am working the job of my dreams and money isn’t a concern. I’ve been working extra hard at my job to prove I’m worthy of the raise I asked for last month. I’ve been picking up extra babysitting jobs because the extra money is nice to have.

It’s so pathetic that a green piece of government paper holds so much power over us. That a piece of green paper determines so much of who and what you are in society. It’s so pathetic that I’m also afraid of that piece of green paper. That piece of green paper has held me back from moving on and out and pursuing my dreams; because, without that paper I cannot do a whole hell of a lot.

I wish there was a class on adulthood before we leave college. However, if I took it I probably would not have listened nor paid attention. Adulthood has a negative connotation. As kids, we couldn’t wait to be adults…now that we are here, we stop and stare and say, “Is this real life??”

If there is one thing adulthood has taught me it is this: that in the midst of the storm of life, it will always calm down and there will be sunshine. As adults we get too caught up in bills, money, work, bills, money, work…and maybe we just need to stop and shake it out. Dance it out.

Do you know how much stress is relieved when you dance it out? I came home from a really bad day at work and played Just Dance 3 by myself on the Nintendo Wii and I completely forgot about my bad day.

So, instead of letting the burden of adulthood get me down I plan on shaking my groove thing when times get tough. Will you shake your groove thing too?

Now or Never

 “Did you say it?  I love you. I don’t ever want to live without you. You changed my life.  Did you say it?  Make a plan. Set a goal, work toward it but every now and then look around, Drink it in.  ‘Cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow. “ –Meredith Grey, Grey’s Anatomy

As I wrote this quote out, I actually stopped to text a friend to tell her she changed my life when she let me be a part of a production in college. It was such a defining moment in my life. An experience so gratifying that I wouldn’t change it for the world or the people that were a part of it.

Here recently, I’ve been dreaming a lot about my own death, but in these fantasy situations. Twice, I’ve died on the Titanic. I’ve been shot, I’ve been stabbed, I’ve stopped breathing, and I’ve died of old age. Curiosity got the best of me and I goggled, “what does it mean to die in your own dreams?”

“To dream that you die in your dream symbolizes inner changes, transformation, self-discovery and positive development that is happening within you or your life. You are undergoing a transitional phase and are becoming more enlightened or spiritual. Although such a dream may bring about feelings of fear and anxiety, it is no cause for alarm as it is often considered a positive symbol. Dreams of experiencing your own death usually means that big changes are ahead for you. You are moving on to new beginnings and leaving the past behind. These changes does not necessarily imply a negative turn of events. Metaphorically, dying can be seen as an end or a termination to your old ways and habits. So, dying does not always mean a physical death, but an ending of something. On a negative note, to dream that you die may represent involvement in deeply painful relationships or unhealthy, destructive behaviors. You may feeling depressed or feel strangled by a situation or person in your waking life. Perhaps your mind is preoccupied with someone who is terminally ill or dying. Alternatively, you may be trying to get out of some obligation, responsibility or other situation. You are desperately trying to escape from the demands of your daily life.” –Dreammoods.com

I have definitely made 2012 a year of new beginnings. I’ve been striving to reach for the positive and change how I was living in my life. I’m done with the negative. In retrospect, I was my own worst enemy…I was both my problem and my solution. I was just too arrogant to fix myself. Well, that arrogance is gone. I am a better me. I’ve stopped biting my nails after twenty years of biting them. I’ve been writing this blog. Writing has always been a passion of mine. I was told by every English teacher since eighth grade that writing was my forte and I should pursue writing….maybe I will. I’m twenty-six years young—I’ve got time. I bought a keyboard and I’ve been teaching myself popular songs. It is the most peaceful, relaxing time I give myself. I cannot help but get all giddy and smile when I accomplish learning a song. It is pretty flippin’ awesome.

Drink it in. Cause this is it. It might be all gone tomorrow. We are given one life. One chance, one shot. Make it right. Do what you love. Keep pressing on. Don’t go to bed angry. Let the people in your life know you love them. Let the people in your life know if they changed your life. For once, in a really long time I’m happy. I intended on staying happy. I was once told, “Control what you can control.” I can control my emotions. I can consciously choose to be happy. I’ve been on the flip side of happiness. Dark. Cold. Desolate. Who wants that life? Not me! I am my own destiny. I can choose to make it what I want. Just watch….I’m going to make it a beautiful work of art.

This Magic Moment

“If only life was just a dress rehearsal and we had time for do-overs. We’d be able to practice and practice every moment until we got it right. Unfortunately, every day of our lives is its own performance. It seems like even when we get the chance to rehearse, to prepare, and practice… we’re still never quite ready for life’s grand moments.” –GREY’S ANATOMY, Meredith

I take it back. I wish I could rewind time and change the outcome of that situation. I’m sure everyone has thought this more than once in their life. I know I have. I have made a mess of a lot of things in my past because life isn’t a dress rehearsal. I thought about this “life is a dress rehearsal,” idea and I have two outcomes. The real outcome and the fantasy outcome, both of which are seemingly appealing; yet we can only chose between one.

The fantasy outcome: Life is a dress rehearsal. A director sits on the sidelines of life and yells, “Cut! Redo,” or “Stop. Breathe. Try that again.” There are many instances in my life when I wish I could have had a do-over—situations I could have handled much better; yet in the moment I lost my better judgment and screwed up.

I messed up a relationship with my best friend. She was also a family member. We could spend hours on the phone talking about absolutely anything and nothing. We got along. We were very close. After college, she said I could move in with her, and we were both thrilled. Living together, however, changed everything. We didn’t fit with each other’s lifestyles. I just sort of left in anger and hurt instead of staying to resolve the situation. I screwed up. I get that. I hurt her. She hurt me. It’s over. It’s done with. I cannot change it. When my phone rings, sometimes I hope it’s her—calling to say “let’s make up.” It has been almost two years, so I’m slowly losing hope that anything will fix what I did.

I’ve learned from this, believe me. I’ve cried over this. It is one of my biggest regrets to date—I’m kind of hoping I don’t have anymore, but life throws curve balls all the time.

The real outcome is life ISN’T a dress rehearsal. There isn’t time for do-overs, cuts, stops…it is raw and it is live.  Even if I had the chance for life to be a dress rehearsal, I do not think I would choose that option. I like not knowing what is coming. Believe it or not, I like failing. I know it will make me stronger. Life is a moment of successions from failure and mistakes. P!nk wrote in a song, “I wouldn’t trade the pain for what I’ve learned.” I agree with this. However, painful life may be, however deep and real that mistake was—we move on. We learn. We put it in our back pocket and keep walking. I say “we” because so many of you reading probably just need to let go. Let go of that “thing” holding you back. Stop wishing life to be a dress rehearsal and just live for the magical moments it brings to us every day.

Staring at the Sun

“When it comes to our blind spots…maybe our brains aren’t compensating…maybe they’re protecting us.”

                                                                        -Meredith, Grey’s Anatomy

Have you ever stared at the sun for a really long time? Took too many pictures with a flash and see all these little white spots?

I did not want to write tonight. After an exhausting thirty minute cry session, I said “Fuck it, I’m going to sleep.” However, this quote is exactly why I was crying. Blind spots. No, not the blind spots we learned about in driver’s education…the blind spots in life.

            My brain can be best described as an overprotective mother. I know this because I’ve been so blind to the things that have really mattered in my life. Love, happiness, and a career. Because let’s face it; nowadays, you are not getting ANYWHERE without a career to pay those bills, and in my case those lovely loans from attending a private college. I wish my brain would stop protecting me, but maybe there is a reason to its madness. Maybe I’m just not ready.

Love. I dream of falling in love. I dream of being in love. I had a chance at real love when I was 18. I am talking butterflies, fireworks, homeruns, movie magic it was all that and more. I chickened out. I ran the other way and I lost him. This wonderful, perfect person who made everything about life worth living---okay, okay it sounds completely cheesy; but, I am being 100% honest. Thinking about him now and knowing where I would be today if I were with him, I’m not quite sure I want that life. I know I am nowhere near ready to be married or in a relationship. I’m still struggling with trust issues after a traumatizing sexual assault. I’ll get there one day. I will have that movie magic, real life, butterflies, and firework love. My brain is just protecting me until I am completely healed mentally, emotionally, and physically.

Happiness. If you ask anyone what they want in life or what they wish, most will answer “to be happy.” Happiness is available to anyone and they chose is yours. You can chose how your day goes and if unforeseen circumstances get in the way, you can control the outcome by how you will react. This makes me think of a quote I heard over and over by a college professor, “Control what you can control.” I can control my happiness. I am going to choose to be happy from this moment on. I’ve been blind to my happiness, my brain isn’t protecting me on this one—I have a job. I have friends. I have family. I am healthy. I am breathing. I am living. I cannot control my situation at this moment, but I can chose to be happy with what I have and know that there is more to come. 2012 is my year. 2012 is my year to be 100% happy with the life I have and will have. To live in the moment of here and now and not tomorrow or yesterday.

Career. I said at the beginning of the year that 2012 is my year to find a job in the entertainment field. As most of you know, I went to school for acting. I love acting. It is my true passion. I love art. I love writing—it is another one of my passions. I love being behind the scenes of a show. I love production. So, I’ve decided to be a writer/producer/actor/production management/stage management/director’s assistant/production assistant. My passion in life is to create, to evoke emotion, to entertain. It is an extremely hard career choice, I know this. I believe I have the passion and the drive to get me to that place—to that career I have always wanted. Whether, I am center stage, behind a camera, I just know I belonging in the arts. It may happen tomorrow, it may happen in a few weeks, it may happen in months---YEARS (well I hope not years)…I’M GOING TO GET THERE.

“When it comes to our blind spots…maybe our brains aren’t compensating…maybe they’re protecting us.”

The brain is the body’s most mysterious organ. I cannot say for sure when my brain will tell my heart that I’m ready to stop being protected—that it is okay to take a chance, to take a leap of faith to stare directly into the sun….with sunglasses, mind you. I don’t really want to go blind. Or see those annoying white spots.

But then again, maybe all this talk of love, happiness, and career is just my brain’s way of telling my heart that I’m just not ready for all that.  That I cannot change lanes just yet and crash into the SUV…and that protecting me is the best way until my opportunity comes to get into the other lane.

....As We Know It

“If you knew it was your last day on Earth how would you want to spend it?”

                                                                                                              -Meredith Grey

We’ve heard it all our lives, “Live life like it ends tomorrow.” I honestly and truly believe no one really starts following this phrase until an incident so profound turns it all around. I did not mean to rhyme just then, it just sort of happened. Just like death sort of happens. Just like life happens day after day, until one day it is over. If I knew it was my last day on Earth, I’d imagine my day to go a little something like this.

I woke up to see the sun rise. It was a cold winter morning as I stepped onto my front porch. I turned to my left; the sun was just peeking over the horizon. The moon and the stars were still out; I softly whispered “good bye moon and stars.” Within minutes, the sun was a bright orange circle in the sky; its bottom just barely touching the edge of the horizon. From a distance, I could feel its warmth on my face. I smiled and went back inside.

I made myself a breakfast of French toast, bacon, and freshly squeezed orange juice. I lightly sprinkled powdered sugar on the toast with very little syrup. I ate slowly, savoring every single bite. I washed my dish and glass and put them back in the cupboard.
        I ventured to my office, grabbed my address book and sat in my favorite chair. I picked up the phone on the end table and dialed the first number. Four hours later, I was done with the phone calls. The grandfather clock in the hallway chimed. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Silence.

            Even though I was alone, and my house was silent I did not feel alone. I felt the presence of every human soul in my life right there with me. It was comforting, it was overwhelming, and it was peaceful. I made my way to the kitchen for bottled water. After four hours of talking, my mouth was dry. I drank the entire bottle. I threw the empty bottle in the trash. I heard a slight growl from my stomach and decided to cook a small lunch. I made a cheese and black bean quesadilla—a favorite of mine since college, after a friend introduced me to them. I ate even more slowly, savoring every single bite. Delectable—the quesadilla was grilled to perfection. The cheese was the right temperature and there was a perfect amount of black beans. I grabbed bottled water, added some lemon and washed down my perfect lunch.

        I ventured back into my office, turned on my computer and typed. I wrote as a means of catharsis. I typed and I typed. I banged away at the keyboard keys for the next few hours. I saved the document as “Untitled.” I turned off the computer and made my way back to my room.
        It would be getting dark soon. I knew this. It would be over soon. I knew this. I spent the day entirely alone eating, drinking, talking, and writing. Yet, in this means of, what an outsider would see as absolute pathetic-ness… I was truly content. My life had been filled with love, laughter, and loss. My life had been filled with music, art, passion, and compassion.
I was satisfied. I was pleased. There was no better way to leave this Earth then how I planned that day I found out. The grandfather clock chimed in the hallway. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding.


I had missed the sun set on purpose. My day started with a sun rise, a new beginning and that is how I wanted to leave it.
I wasn’t hungry for dinner. I found this to be okay. I went to my room, pulled out my journal and turned to the last page and wrote.
The grandfather clock in the hallway chimed. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding.
I walked to my office and grabbed the piece of paper on the end table that sat next to my favorite chair. I sat in my favorite chair for the last time. I turned on the small lamp, made myself comfortable. I held in my hand a short letter I’d written to my friends and family. I had spent four hours earlier that day leaving hundreds of messages on voicemails—a request I had made earlier that week…no one answer my call. I began to read:

“Think of my love for you as a circle-endless. Think of the life I lived as an imprint on the Earth

and the journey it marked. I found you. I will always find you.  You played a part in my life. I was so wonderfully, ridiculously blessed to have you.. I have no idea what I did to deserve you. I’m sorry I won’t be able to be there for you, like you were for me.  Maybe you never knew how much you meant to me.    Words are ineffable to describe my admiration and gratitude for you. As Joss Whedon wrote, “The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be brave. Live. For me.”

I sat the letter down as a single tear rolled down my cheek and the grandfather clock chimed in the hallway.Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding.