This week I’m on
trial. I’m facing charges of lack of intimacy and male companionship, attending
college and getting a degree I am currently not using, and having too much
debt. When life throws a curve ball, I seem to catch it square in the face. I’d
like to take a further look into these charges; after all I am the only one
defending myself.
Charge 1: Lack of intimacy and male
companionship.
Exhibit A:
Conversation (While I was texting on my phone)Prosecutor: Do boys text you?
Me: No
Prosecutor: Do you text boys?
Me: No.
Prosecutor (disgusted look across face, condescending tone): Well….WHY?
I am not
perfect, nor will I ever be. I just want to make sure I am not settling for
anything less than the best, because that is what I know I deserve. This charge
comes from an unhappy, bitter divorcee—so I guess I should consider my source.
Charge 2: Attending college and getting a
degree that is not being used
I went to
college knowing full well it would be hard to get a job with my degree; yet, it
did not stop me. I have had a passion for the arts and entertainment since the
day I was born. I have always had a fascination with film, television and the
theatre. I knew that I was meant to act, write, produce, and direct. For those
who may be curious, or not already know, I received a Bachelor of Fine Arts in
Acting. However, in college (and always) when I wasn’t cast in a show, I
offered to lend a hand to the technical side and enjoyed it just as much as
acting. After college, I moved to a place where I tried out theatre, film, and
TV. I got some jobs and some work, but my living situation was not working, so
I moved home. I had to quickly find a job to support me and be able to pay back
my student/private loans. I got a job—two and a half years later, I am still
here. I may not be acting, but I am expressing myself creatively. I write. I
play piano. I paint. I am always looking for acting opportunities and
submitting myself for commercials and local films. I am always looking for new
plays and monologues. I am one of millions of people attempting to work in the
entertainment industry. If I get a break one day, then that will be fabulous.
If not, I will continue to work in this field because I am passionate about no
matter how big or small the job is.
Charge 3: Having too much debt
I have a dream
car. This dream car is solely based on my love for the TV show Supernatural. This dream car is a 1967
Chevy Impala, color black. I was searching through the classifieds the other
day, during lunch, and I found one for $6,000. It may be green, but I could get
it painted. I said, “I found my dream car for $6,000.” My supervisor made this
snide comment, “You can have that car in twenty years when you pay off your student
loans or when President Obama takes care of them for you.” I wanted to tell my
supervisor, “I had no idea my financial situation was such a burden to you or
any of your business.” I went to a private college, knowing full-well of the
financial burden it would be. I knew it would be a struggle and there would be
times when I would let myself regret the decision. But, I would not trade the
friendships I have for the money it cost. The money I spent on college is
completely worth the financial burden. I have support systems all over the
United States, and I am sure wherever I end up—someone will be there to have my
back. That’s true friendship…that is family.
I’d like to add that my college debt
is my only debt. I have no credit cards. I own my car. My school debt is all I
have. Yes, it is a lot of money—but I’m paying it back and learning
responsibility. I have a pretty strict budget that I follow and I rarely break
this budget. Being at this job for the past two and a half years, I have
learned what it will take for me to be able to survive on my own somewhere
else. I know how much money I will need to make and I feel I am pretty responsible
with my money, that I will be able to make wise decisions and not have to ask
for help or assistance from anyone.
Sometimes I feel like I need to say, “Until you have walked
a mile in my shoes, you cannot even begin to judge me or have any say in what I
do or do not do.” I rarely seek the advice from family, with the exception of
my parents. My family just does not understand me. My family did not help me
decide on college. My family does not/will not/could not help me decide on my
love life. My family will not and should not have any say in my debt or what I
do with my money.
My college
friends are probably the highest of my trusted advisors. They understand the
burdens and financial hardships. They understand the realization of working to
survive and putting that acting career on the back burner or finding other
creative outlets, or completely different careers. I am proud of all of them.
No matter what.
It seems like there has been a lot of negativity thrown my
way this week. I have felt the need to justify my life and decisions, when
truly…I do not need to justify myself to anyone. The decision is mine and mine
alone to decide what I do with my life. I may not always listen to the positive
voice inside me, but I know it’s in there. You can do this. You can do this. That’s
the voice I want to always listen to, because as Meredith Grey says it’s “the one
that is almost always right.”
When I have extra money, I want to get tattooed on my wrist.
I am who I am. I have a right to be here.
I have nothing to prove. I feel like this quote will be my constant
reminder that although the world may judge and question my presence, I know who
I am. I know I have a right to live freely and happily. And finally, I know
that I will have nothing to prove.
