I WILL FOLLOW YOU INTO THE DARK

“The only way to get rid of a shadow is to turn off the lights, to stop running from the darkness, and face what you fear…head on. “—Grey’s Anatomy

 

You can’t outrun your shadow.  We aren’t lucky like Peter Pan with the ability to lose our shadow and having to chase it down. Then again, maybe we are like Peter Pan. We are always chasing down the shadows in life.

In my life, the shadow I’m running from is moving on and out on my own .I currently live with family members.  I fear not being able to financial make it. I already struggle as it is and the fear of not being able to afford bills, medicine, gas for the car, rent…whatever keeps me right where I am. I am not moving forward and I am not moving back. I am just here.

            I fear that I am missing out on life. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy. I love my friends. I love my family. I love my home, but there is just this aching feeling that there is something more out there.

I have a passion in life to help people. I have a passion in life to be a part of creating art. I want to write. I want to act. I want to produce. I want to direct. I want to live life creating magic, because art is magical.

 

“The only way to get rid of a shadow is to turn off the lights, to stop running from the darkness, and face what you fear…head on.”

 

I’m going to turn off the lights. I am going to tell my fears to shut up. I’m going to stop running from the doubt and insecurities that I cannot make it on my own. In order to face what I fear, head on. I am going to make a plan—of where I want to be and who I want to be. I am going to weigh the pros and cons of moving out. I am going to make a budget. I am going to make a plan to be where I want to be. Everything takes time. In one year, I want to be out and on my own. There are a few cities I have in mind. During this one year, I want to make a visit to each to see what city is the perfect one for me.

A long time ago, I was at church camp. We were in a prayer meeting. I heard God say, “Something amazing will happen in your life.” The number 26 appeared on the wall. Whether you believe this or not, it still means something to me. Shortly, after I turned 26 (about two months ago) I was reminded of this. I never knew what the 26 meant…26 days, 26 weeks, 26 years, 26 months??? I have a feeling now that 26 means this year. During my 26^th year, something amazing will happen. I still have ten months to figure it out.

 

So, here is to facing my fears head on. Here is to 26 and the amazing journey I am about to embark on.

 

 

THE HEART OF THE MATTER

“You’re going to hurt people. You’re going to get hurt. And if you ever want to recover, there’s really only one thing you can say, ‘I forgive you.’”—Grey’s Anatomy

I am sitting at Panera thinking of what to write and suddenly the power flicks off. The workers shout, “Not again!” Apparently, we’ve been struggling with a lot of power outages lately—as our computers have shut down twice this week at work. I thought maybe the surge of power was epiphany.  But I still sit here with nothing to write. I’ve had a long, interesting work week and I am thankful for the three day weekend ahead.  It will be nice to rest and relax and spend my time with family and friends.

            Family is by far the most important human structure in a person’s life. I am blessed to have the family that I’ve been given. Of course, there are times I stamp my feet and curse under my breath when they drive me crazy—but without my family…I’d be nothing. There are times in my life when I know I’ve hurt my family more than my friends.  Three simple words fixed it.  “Please forgive me.” Three simple words back evens the score. “I forgive you.”

Forgiveness is the key to happiness, love, prosperity and healing. A life cannot be lived in anger and hatefulness.  You must learn to forgive and forget. Your heart and life will be better for it.
It’s getting late and I’m running out into a writer’s block. So, I am concluding this blog with quotes on forgiveness, because sometimes it just might be the thing you needed to hear.

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”

Gandhi

“One forgives to the degree that one loves.”

Francois de La Rochefoucauld

 

“To err is human; to forgive, divine.”

Alexander Pope

 

“Forgiveness is the final form of love.”

Reinhold Niebuhr

 

“When you forgive, you in no way change the past - but you sure do change the future. “
Bernard Meltzer

WHAT I AM

“Sometimes you have to make a big mistake to figure out how to make things right. Mistakes are painful. But they’re the only way to find out who you really are.” –Grey’s Anatomy

I am no stranger to mistakes. As a human being, who has been on this earth twenty-six years, I’m sure there will be more mistakes to be made, lessons to be learned, pain to be felt, and when all is said and done---I grow. I grow to know more about me…my capabilities and my flaws. Mistakes are a part of life. To loosely quote one of my favorite P!nk songs,  I wouldn’t trade any of the pain of my mistakes for what I learned and who I became.

 One of my favorite quotes in life was given to me by my dear college professor. I had gone to her because I was seriously considered dropping out of college. I felt that I wasn't talented enough to be in the theatre program. I felt that I was wasting my time. It hurt my heart to literally even think about leaving the theatre—because I loved it so much. I had a passion for it. After she listened to me pour out my heart, she let me know I wasn’t alone. That every actor has one of my “I’m not talented” moments; she told me I would grow to be a better person and actor. She then got out a sticky note and pen and wrote something down. She handed it to me and this is what it said:

“I AM WHO I AM. I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE HERE. I HAVE NOTHING TO PROVE.”

This sticky note stayed on the back of my college dorm room. I said it every single day before leaving for classes. I’ve lost the sticky note, but I have a replacement hanging on the back of my bedroom door. Every once and a while, I glance at it and say it….three simple sentences and seventeen words that have impacted my life more than my dear, sweet college professor will ever know.  I became a better person with these words. I became a better actor with these words. Why? I finally had to accept myself for the person and the actor that I was-knowing I could grow in both, but couldn’t change to be like someone else.

        I am highly considering getting this quoted tattooed somewhere. I have thought of putting “I AM” on one wrist and “WHO I AM” on another. Not only to signify myself, but to replace my scars with love, hope, and confidence knowing that… I am who I am. I do have a right to be here, right here and now and I have not a single thing to prove to anyone.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH (NO MORE TEARS)

“We don’t say “when” because there’s something about the possibility of more.” – Grey’s Anatomy

As a kid, adults always asked “say when.” I’d carefully watch as they poured the liquid, or piled up the food, and when it looked like enough I’d say “when.”Why say when, when there is the possibility of more?More life, more love, more adventure, more satisfaction, more experience, more growing, more compassion….just more.

           I’ve been at my job for a little over two years. I will hit the three year mark of graduating college in December.  I never saw myself at my job for this long. It was just supposed to be temporary. I’ve become really good at my job. The people I work with love my enthusiasm and willingness to help. I do not want to be at this job for forever. I just have to find a way to get out there in the world.
The most joy I receive all week is this blog. I write, I post, and I see all the positive feedback and page views and I am just overwhelmed at the response. I love to write. I was always told, ‘you’re a writer, Jennifer.’ I just need to find a way to make it happen. My glass of hope is over-flowing with passion and desire to make my life work.
          I miss my friends more than I ever thought I would. With my friends being scattered all over the United States, I just have to find the place that will work for me. I’d like to start traveling to these places to see if I can find the city that will work for me. Find the city. Find the job. I’m set. As much as I think about it, I’ve got to stop worrying about my financial situation and just try to make it work. I’m already on a pretty strict budget, and I know I would just have to be stricter in my finances.
                I’ve been watching F*R*I*E*N*D*S for the past week. Six people, living in New York and struggling with jobs, relationships, life and I feel that if I had a good support system life will work out. It will be hard. Every day it will be hard. But, with your friends there for you….it all changes.
Right now, in life I’ve been saying “when” without thinking of my possibility of something more.

“There’s something to be said about a glass half full…about knowing when to say “when.” I think it’s a floating line….a barometer of need and desire. It’s entirely up to the individual….and depends on what’s being poured. Sometimes, all we want is a taste. Other times, there’s no such thing as enough. The glass is bottomless, and all we want….is more. “

Live life with all the possibilities of more and know when to say “when.”

WITH YOU I'M BORN AGAIN

“When we say things like ‘people don’t change,’ it drives scientist crazy; because, change is literally the only constant in all of science. Energy, matter, it’s always changing. Morphing. Merging. Growing. Dying.  It’s the way people try not to change that is unnatural. The way we cling to what things were, instead of letting them be what they are. The way we cling to old memories, instead of forming new ones.”—Grey’s Anatomy

I have this memory of being completely surrounded by love. I have never felt more accepted in my life than when I was in college. As the time passes and the years grow longer from when I graduated, I still cling to this memory of love, acceptance, respect, and togetherness. College changed me for the better. I have changed for the better.
            I used to be this one way street walker. I was totally driven by conviction and what my family deemed as moral. I lived my life for others and all I found was misery in my strive for perfection.

I became a cutter and a risk taker. For once as the blood poured from my wrists, I was imperfect. I was wounded. I took large amounts of Tylenol PM hoping that when I drifted off to sleep, I wouldn’t wake up again. I was no longer able to live up to an expectation and I truly wanted to die. I had planned to kill myself, but at the last minute God reached down his arm and he saved me. I have shared this story before of how God saved me. I’m thankful I am here. I am beyond grateful for God and His saving grace.

        I’m not religious. I’m not spiritual. I have faith. I believe in God. I believe in the devil. I believe in Heaven. I believe in Hell. I’m just not a fan of the religious institutions. I believe that it is about a relationship. I do not have to sit and define my relationship with God to anyone. That is between Him and me.

I haven’t attended church in almost a year. I’m not sure where I stand anymore, as I’m struggling with everything I was ever told in church. After I left my home church of twelve years, to attend college, not one person ever reached out to talk to me (nor I to them--I was hurt). I thought church was about family and acceptance—but then again the church has proved me wrong. I have a feeling most of my church family has abandoned me because of my political stance. According to my family, you cannot be a Christian and be a democrat, liberal, or independent. I’m sorry, but just because one book says homosexuality is wrong—it gives me NO RIGHT to condemn anyone else or take away someone’s livelihood. I 1,5000%  support equality. Love is just love. Love isn’t gay love. Love isn’t black love. Love isn’t white love. Love knows no race, gender, color, or creed. As my eight year old cousin, eloquently put it, “Fish have love. Birds have love. Love is just love.”

My BFAX family was the closest thing true agape love and the closest thing to a real family. I didn’t have to prove anything to them. I could just be as I was. I grew to be a better person. I grew to be a better actress. I changed for the better because of the love I had and felt during my three and a half wonderful years as a part of the BFAX family. As we continue to grow, merge, morph into our adulthood—accept change. Be free to discoveries. Let old memories warm your heart and let new memories take hold of the present and the future

The Everyday Angel

One afternoon a mom and her son stopped at a local gas station to buy some drinks and fill up on gas. A young girl, also in the gas station noticed the mother and son. The mother was growing impatient with her son and began yellling at him for just being a normal six year old kid. The young girl turned to the little boy and noticed he was wearing a full head hearing aide. She figured he had some form of deafness. The young girl was walking out with a handful of stuff and the young boy rushed toward the door, his mom was yelling at him to come back. But the young boy was only trying to open the door for the girl with the handful of stuff. She smiled at the boy and signed "thank you" in sign language as she said it. The young boy looked up at her, with a dazed and shocked look and almost starred at her if she was an angel.
This everyday angel was the only person to ever sign to the boy outside of his immediate family. This everday angel was the only person who ever crossed his path and did not ignore him because of his handicap. This everday angel saw an oppurtunity to thank a darling little boy, who was being a gentleman. This everday angel was ME.
This happened to me a few years ago. Everytime I stop at this gas station, I am reminded of the little boy who opened the door for me. I am reminded that I took the time to thank him the only way I knew how. Sometimes the simplest simle goes a long way. Take time to notice those around you. Our world moves at a fast pace. Our world hides behind laptops, phones, and televisions. Our world is slowly slipping away from human interaction and more into cyperspace. I encourage every one of you who reads this blog to do something out of the ordinary. Smile at a stranger. Hold the door open for someone. Put the phone down. Turn off the TV. Turn off the computer. Sometimes it's the little things that count the most in life.

GOODBYE

“Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way.”

                                                                        -Grey’s Anatomy

There are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  Each stage looks different on every one, but there are always five stages.

      On August 7^th, 2000 I lost my Papa. He is the one regret in my life. He was an abusive alcoholic. As a child, I was innocent and only knew but to love him. As a teenager, I was angry at him. His mental instability forced my Grandma to come live with us. There are times I remember, going over to the house, to check on him with my parents. The house reeked of alcohol, feces, body odor, cigarettes, and rotten food. He lied on the floor covered in his own filth and blood too weak and too drunk to even get up. It was heartbreaking to see. Eventually, his body could not take anymore and he died.
     Before he died, my parents brought my brothers and me up to the Veteran’s Hospital to say “good-bye.” My brothers were first. As it came for my turn, a knot grew deep in the pit of my stomach. The man lying in that hospital bed was not my Papa. He was yellow. He was tiny. He looked like death. I leaned into his forehead, kiss his cheek and whispered good-bye. As I turned to leave, he grabbed my hand and with all and any strength he had left…he pulled me back to his bedside. He whispered, “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” I retracted my hand and quickly left the room. I sat in the lobby overwhelmed with emotions. I angrily waited for my parents to take me home. Three days later he passed away.
The only time I ever touched a dead body was when I went into the church for the funeral. I walked into the room, which held his casket. I touched his hand. I kissed his face and in his ear I whispered, “I forgive you.”A “forgive you” that came too late, but I had to say it. I had to hope on some level of a miracle, he would hear me.
The only time I have ever been to a military funeral was my Papa’s. I cried as they folded the flag. I cried when they handed the flag to my Grandma. I cried when my cousin played TAPS. I cried as they shot their rifles into the grey sky. As the last shot rang out, the tears stopped. Life moved on and I no longer missed him.Here’s the funny thing about grief, just when you think you are over it. It comes back full force.

Christmas the following year came fast. We were at Grandma’s house. We ate a wonderful Christmas dinner and shortly after began to open presents. I sat in my usual spot on the couch. I looked down on the floor, expecting to see my Papa there, lying on his big brown pillow. I looked and smiled… hoping he would see me smiling at him and there was nothing there but carpet. I got up and ran to the den, bursting into tears. I was sobbing uncontrollably and screaming, “He’s gone! He’s gone! He’s gone!” The family overheard, came into the den to comfort me and we all just sat there, holding one another and crying. It took me a whole year to accept the fact that Papa was gone. He was not coming back. There would no longer be the big brown pillow on the floor holding up his body. It was bare. It was empty. He was gone. He was gone.

           Family was always the one constant in my life. Suddenly, that constant changed. Life changed…I changed. I quickly realized that nothing in life is constant. It is forever changing; forever shifting; forever morphing. I cherish the moments of constancy; as I never know when life will shift and be thrown off balance. Life can change in an instant. Love life; live life in the here and now—“go live your freaking life.”