WISH YOU WERE HERE

“We all get at least one good wish a year….over the candles on our birthday.  Some of us throw in more.  On eyelashes….fountains….lucky stars. And every now and then one of those wishes comes true.  So what then?  Is it as good as we hoped? Do we bask in the warm glow of our happiness? Or do we just notice we got a long list of other wishes waiting to be wished? We don’t wish for the easy stuff. We wish for big things. Things that are ambitious…out of reach. We wish because we need help, and we’re scared, and we know we may be asking too much. We still wish though, because sometimes they come true.”                 – Grey’s Anatomy

Sunday July 15^th 2012, I celebrated my twenty-sixth birthday. It was a simple birthday with family and my person. I enjoyed it. As I blew out the imaginary twenty-six candles on my birthday cheesecake, I wished for happiness, peace, love, joy, a different job, and life in a new city.

           I was presented with the opportunity today to interview for a flight attendant position with United Airlines. I have to call to schedule it. The interview is in Houston, TX. I have to pay for travel expenses (flight, food, and hotel). When I read the email, I was immediately hit with nausea, confusion, excitement, frustration, anger, happiness and more nausea. Unfortunately, I do not have the means to pay for the expenses to get me to the interview. I do not own credit cards. I am sure I could loan it from someone, but I don’t want to risk the money if I don’t pass the interview. It would be all for nothing.
I applied for this position, as well as one with Continental, when I was having a bad week at work. This was four months ago and I honestly thought nothing would ever come of it. It had been four months. I figured someone else got the job. I have my good and bad days at my current job, but no matter what I do I still make the same amount of money. No matter how bad it gets, I still have a job. It pays the bills. I have made some good relationships, some in the office I work in and some in the other offices all over the United States. I am thankful for the experience I have gained, but seriously? I handle registrations, Department of Transportation rules and regulations. I have learned more than I have ever wanted to know about rules and regulations for truck drivers. I went to school for acting. I have been in plays. I have been a stage manager. I have been a dresser for actors. I have been on run crew. I was trained to do amazing things! Instead I sit behind a desk, forty hours a week and do data entry.
      I cannot sit here, writing and except an opportunity to just fall into my lap. I just don’t think this flight attendant position is my opportunity. I want to move to a city where I can work in film, television and theatre. I do not care if I never act again. I love the production side of entertainment. I like to be there from the beginning…watch the actors develop and see a show grow from nothing into something profound. All I really want is to be a part of a theatre family again. I miss my college theatre family, but now it’s time to find a new theatre family.
I thought being a flight attendant would allow me to move to an exciting new city. Truth. However, the demanding hours and rigorous schedule, it would be like I didn’t even live there. I want to be able to settle down, work somewhere interesting and have the flexibility to audition and/or work in a theatre.
I am at a crossroads in my adult life. I am stuck with a decision I cannot seem to make. Do I take a chance? Do I take a risk? Do I just stay where I am, save up money, and then move to a city of my choosing? I just feel stuck.
I have a choice and I just have to figure out what I want to do. I have to decide what I think is best for me for this moment in my life. As I sit here weighing the pros and cons, a hear the voice of Jiminy Cricket in my head.

When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
Anything your heart desires
Will come to you

If your heart is in your dream
No request is too extreme
When you wish upon a star

As dreamers do

                                                             Like a bolt out of the blue
                                                  Fate steps in and sees you through
                                                        When you wish upon a star
                                                           Your dreams come true

Wishes on eyelashes, wishes on stars, wishes on fountains, wishes on candles. We wish. I still wish though, because maybe it will come true.

SUPERSTITION

“No one wants to pass up a chance for good luck---we rely on superstitions because we’re smart enough to know we don’t have all the answers. And that life works in mysterious ways.”
                                                                                                                             -Grey’s Anatomy

When you become a theatre major, you learn all about the superstitions within the theatre world. You never whistle in the theatre. You never say “good luck” in the theatre. You never say “Macbeth” in the theatre.

           In high school, we all used to lock pinkies and kiss our fists before the show began. I carried over this tradition when I was in college during the few shows I performed. I don’t remember us having any certain rituals in college; except we always did a group warm up with “No Bananas in the Sky.” College allowed for time for your own warm-ups—and maybe those were perfectly crafted based on the person’s own superstitions.
I have a quirk about numbers. I count stairs as I walk up and down them. I never go into an odd number of a bathroom stall in a public place; unless it ends in an odd number, then I go by a multiple of 3. I eat everything in even numbers. I have a quirk about colors. When I eat candy, it goes in a specific order: brown, orange, green, yellow, red, blue, purple, and pink. Seventy-five percent of the time, when I leave my room I have to tap the doorway with my right hand. As ridiculous as this may seem, it is what I do.
          My Type-A personality is to blame. Some Type-A personalities can turn their compulsions into something constructive, I just do strange things and have one too many superstitions.  Good luck—it’s there because we don’t know any better. Superstitions—they’re there because we have irrational beliefs or fears.
Find a penny, pick it up. Knock on wood. Don’t step on a crack. Don’t walk under ladders. Don’t break a mirror. Don’t open an umbrella in the house. An apple a day, keeps the doctor away. Find a four leaf clover. Close your eyes, make a wish, and blow out the candles. Cross your fingers. Don’t mess with karma.And, as Meredith says, “don’t diss the juju wherever it comes.”

GREAT EXPECTATIONS

“We all think we’re going to be great, and we feel a little bit robbed when our expectations aren’t met. But, sometimes our expectations sell us short. Sometimes the expected simply pales in comparison to the unexpected. You gotta wonder why we cling to our expectations, because the expected is what keeps us steady…standing still. The expected is just the beginning-the unexpected is what changes our lives.”- Grey’s Anatomy

I expected to be working in the arts after I graduated from college. I moved to Austin, TX to pursue a career in film/television and theatre. For the first few weeks things were very promising. I ran a sound board for a touring stage play. I got a job with NBC filming a documentary and then I fell off a ladder. I was laid up for eight weeks and got a nanny job as my bills fell behind. I worked as a nanny for five months, became home sick and moved back home. I have been home for almost three years and I’m nowhere near where I expected to be.

I know I am meant for something more. I have a job that pays the bills. I don’t loathe by job, but I don’t like it. I am in this weird “in between” place. I love the people. I love the relationships I have developed with the workers out in the district offices and our vendors. I am here at this job because I do not know where to go. I am afraid that if I leave home again, I will fail. And maybe this is true, but if I don’t try I will never know. I came back home because there was too much uncertainty. I came home because I wasn’t making the money I needed to live. For the past two years, I have worked so hard at getting my credit cards and car paid off. In three weeks, I will be debt free. I wish I could say the same for my college loans, but the rest of my debt will be gone. It is such an amazing feeling to know that I’ve accomplished another goal. I now know what it takes in order for me to live and what money I need to make.

I want to work in film, television, and theatre. I want to act, write, produce, direct, edit, assist, and design. I have such a passion for the magic behind the creation of a production. Being a part of the work that goes into a show is such a creative high, which is probably why I have never done drugs. I have such a passion for acting. I want to tell the truth of a character’s story, raise the stakes, run of the cliff, and be nominated for an Emmy or have the whole audience in the palm of my hands. I want to yell, “CUT.” I want to run around like crazy on a set and help the crew and actors prepare for day.

“The expected is just the beginning-the unexpected is what changes our lives.” As I sit here tonight writing, I keep close to my heart my hopes and dreams and maybe something unexpected will come my way and change my life. I am always searching for opportunities, sending my resumes and cover letters. I am always searching. I cannot just sit and hope for the unexpected. I have to sow the seed and hope that the unexpected will come and change everything.

I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE SOMEBODY'S WATCHING ME

                           “The only cure for paranoia is just to be here, as you are.”- Grey’s Anatomy

In seventh grade, I went to stay with a friend for the night. We were going to watch movies, pig out on pizza and stay up late. Her parents were gone for the night helping a friend painting their house, and they had a family friend stay with us. It was about 1:00am and we could no longer stay awake. We crashed in the living room. At 1:30am, a dark shadow moved across the front porch and stopped at the window. The porch light was on and I saw him. A man dressed in black, standing there and starring into the house.  Panicked, I calmly woke up my friend, “Rachel! There is a man standing at the window looking at us.”

She slowly turned over and faced the window. Neither of us could move. We just laid there silent and frozen. Occasionally, we would turn our heads to face the window. He just stood there. After about an hour, he left. We screamed for the rest of the house to wake up and told them the story.

For years, I felt as if he was always around. I would see him in the grocery store. I would see him at school. I would see him everywhere I went. The very hairs on my neck would stand straight up and I would be too afraid to turn around. I lived a live in fear for years, feared that the one time I turned around he would be there. The man in black.

As I grew older, the paranoia only grew stronger. I went through a traumatic event and itonly fueled the fear and paranoia. Every sound was someone breaking in. The dogs barking were a warning that someone was there. The knock on the door was a serial killer. As silly as it sounds, this is my reality. This was the life I was living a life where I could not be me because I was so focused on the fear.

Eventually the fear became too much to bear. I decided to put myself into therapy. I’ve been in therapy for the past two years and the paranoia is slowly becoming just a small part of my life.

I’m 25 years old and I am finally able to live life the way it is meant to be lived. Free from intense fear and paranoia. Some say fear and paranoia are the same thing; I disagree. Due to a financial situation, I live with my grandparents. They are vacationing for the summer, and I have been home alone. It has been the best experience. I actually enjoy being home alone. I am not scared anymore. I refuse to live a life of fear. I chose to be brave. There are moments when fear and paranoia seem to want to take over and I just have to remind myself that I am bigger than that fear.  Whatever fears and paranoia you have in your life, remember you are bigger than that fear. And just like me, you can overcome it.

YESTERDAY

 “There’s no such thing as a grown-up. We’re still a bunch of kids running around on the playground trying desperately to fit in.”-Grey’s Anatomy

Yesterday, I attended a wedding as a bridesmaid to a friend I have known since the fourth grade. It was surreal to me.  I felt as if we were just playing dress up; as if we were just sitting on the bus talking about and dreaming about our future. Yesterday, I attended a wedding as a bridesmaid for my third time. In those fourth grade dreams, I dreamt I would be married by now and maybe have a kid or two, but life never has worked out the way I planned. I’m so happy for my friend and her new life. I wish nothing but the best for her and her husband. Although, it seems as if I am bitter about being a bridesmaid…you’re wrong. I love weddings. I enjoy being in weddings and if I have to sing “always a bridesmaid never a bride” a little while longer then so be it.

          I feel like the little boy David in David after Dentist on YouTube…”is this real life?” I work. I pay bills. I drive a car. I shop and I get to push the cart all by myself. How is this real life?

I like to color. I like to play with play-dough. Bubbles are still fun to blow. Swinging on swings calms me down. I love Disney movies. Glow sticks are entertaining. I giggle at inappropriate things. I burp and sometimes I do not say excuse me. I always have to visit the Disney store. I may act childish, but it is how I survive. It is how I make my life more interesting; it is how I make life worth living. I say all the time that I suffer from Peter Pan syndrome. I don’t ever want to truly grow up. I always want to have a childlike essence. I will never outgrow that.

We all have different playgrounds in life. There is the playground at work, the playground at home, the playground in our circle of friends, the playground at church, and the playground of life. We all want to be accepted, loved for who we are. Whether we are the kid without the name brand clothes, the kid with the frizzy red hair, the kid with the big glasses, the kid with the annoying voice, the kid who trips, the kid who pinches, the kid who bites…we just want to be accepted. As a kid, I was always running to the swings at recess. The freedom of feeling that you’re flying, and for just a moment you don’t have to run around and try to fit in. You are flying above everyone and the class politics do not matter. As I got older, it was running to the moon climber, sitting on top, and telling the other kids trying to fit in that they couldn’t join my friends and me on top of the moon climber. Maybe that wasn’t the nicest move, but there are always going to be places where we all just won’t fit no matter how hard we try or hope that we can. “We hope against all logic, against all experience. Like children we never give up hope.”

SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT

“Communication it’s the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up; learn our words, and really starting talking the harder it becomes to know what to say.” –Grey’s Anatomy

With our world of communication today, we hide behind technology. Nowadays, people break up in emails and text messages. There is such a lack of communication. Words are shortened, grammar is forgotten, and punctuation is obsolete. There is no human connection anymore.

              I make it a point to do my best to put my phone away while I am out to eat. I do my best to put my phone away when I’m hanging out with a friend. However, there are times when Google becomes necessary or looking up an actor’s information on IMDB.  I do not want to be so attached to my phone that I cannot connect with someone on a personal level….look them in the eye, smile….CONNECT!
As a teenager, I struggled to find the right words to tell my parents why I felt depressed. It was always easiest for me to write it out. In writing, I wouldn’t get so emotional; in speaking you could only but expect the water works.
As kids, we do not understand the concept of words and how they affect others. Suddenly, we learn there are things that can and cannot be said.

I’ve always been a talker. At a very young age, I could speak well. I began reading at an early age as well. I loved words. I may not use a very big vocabulary very often, but I know it is there when I want to use it. There are situations when there really are no words to say, in death, in heartache, in terrible tragedies.

Sometimes the best thing to do, is to just listen and say nothing; to be there as a comfort and a shoulder to cry on.
         I’ve been in therapy for the past almost two years. I’ve been working on dealing with a traumatic issue, but I’ve also learned to be a better person and to be a better daughter, sister and friend. I’ve learned to be a better communicator and I’m slowing learning to be a better person. I will always be growing, learning, and becoming a better person; but, I will never stop…there is always room to grow more.
I feel as long as we are learning and making ourselves better, we can be better communicators. We can have the right words; we can know what to say and when to say it.
Relationships thrive on the three C’s: communication, connection, contact (physical). I do not know if I have heard this before or if I just made it up, but it is true. Put down the phone, hide the laptop, turn off the TV and talk to your person(s). Give them something to talk about.

STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN

“I believe in heaven. I also believe in hell. I have never seen either, but I believe they exist. They have to exist; because without a heaven, without a hell, we are all just headed for limbo.”

                                                                                                                                                  –Grey’s Anatomy

There are things in life that I will never understand.  I do not think we are meant to understand everything or be all knowing. I will never understand tragedy. I will never understand death. I will never understand heartache. Maybe I will never understand love.

I used to live a life so focused on being perfect. I used to live a life so focused on judging those who did not attend church or believe in God. I became a person I hated. I do not really know when everything changed, but it did.

          I do not understand the concept of telling a person “You’re going to Hell.” Who am I to say that? Who is anyone to say that? We do not know people’s circumstances. We do not know people’s true heart. Only God does. Let God be the judge. Let God be the jury. Let us sit in the stands a neutral spectator. Maybe then there will be less hate in the world. Maybe then we can learn to walk in an agape kind of love.

I believe in Heaven. I believe in Hell. I was raised in a church, so I know what the Bible says about Heaven and Hell. I just, I just….I don’t know if I want to believe that not everyone can go to Heaven. I would hate to see anyone go to Hell, well maybe with exception of Hitler and Osama Bin Laden---he is probably really enjoying is 70 (whatever) virgins.

“Heaven. Hell. Limbo, No one really knows where we’re going, or what’s waiting for us when we get there. But the one thing we can say for sure with absolute certainty…is that there are moments that take us to another place….moments of heaven on earth. And maybe for now, that’s all we need to know.”

I captured this last week at the lake. This is picture is the essence of heaven on earth. Maybe if we look for more moments of heaven on earth—we can live a long and beautiful life.