WHAT I AM

“Sometimes you have to make a big mistake to figure out how to make things right. Mistakes are painful. But they’re the only way to find out who you really are.” –Grey’s Anatomy

I am no stranger to mistakes. As a human being, who has been on this earth twenty-six years, I’m sure there will be more mistakes to be made, lessons to be learned, pain to be felt, and when all is said and done---I grow. I grow to know more about me…my capabilities and my flaws. Mistakes are a part of life. To loosely quote one of my favorite P!nk songs,  I wouldn’t trade any of the pain of my mistakes for what I learned and who I became.

 One of my favorite quotes in life was given to me by my dear college professor. I had gone to her because I was seriously considered dropping out of college. I felt that I wasn't talented enough to be in the theatre program. I felt that I was wasting my time. It hurt my heart to literally even think about leaving the theatre—because I loved it so much. I had a passion for it. After she listened to me pour out my heart, she let me know I wasn’t alone. That every actor has one of my “I’m not talented” moments; she told me I would grow to be a better person and actor. She then got out a sticky note and pen and wrote something down. She handed it to me and this is what it said:

“I AM WHO I AM. I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE HERE. I HAVE NOTHING TO PROVE.”

This sticky note stayed on the back of my college dorm room. I said it every single day before leaving for classes. I’ve lost the sticky note, but I have a replacement hanging on the back of my bedroom door. Every once and a while, I glance at it and say it….three simple sentences and seventeen words that have impacted my life more than my dear, sweet college professor will ever know.  I became a better person with these words. I became a better actor with these words. Why? I finally had to accept myself for the person and the actor that I was-knowing I could grow in both, but couldn’t change to be like someone else.

        I am highly considering getting this quoted tattooed somewhere. I have thought of putting “I AM” on one wrist and “WHO I AM” on another. Not only to signify myself, but to replace my scars with love, hope, and confidence knowing that… I am who I am. I do have a right to be here, right here and now and I have not a single thing to prove to anyone.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH (NO MORE TEARS)

“We don’t say “when” because there’s something about the possibility of more.” – Grey’s Anatomy

As a kid, adults always asked “say when.” I’d carefully watch as they poured the liquid, or piled up the food, and when it looked like enough I’d say “when.”Why say when, when there is the possibility of more?More life, more love, more adventure, more satisfaction, more experience, more growing, more compassion….just more.

           I’ve been at my job for a little over two years. I will hit the three year mark of graduating college in December.  I never saw myself at my job for this long. It was just supposed to be temporary. I’ve become really good at my job. The people I work with love my enthusiasm and willingness to help. I do not want to be at this job for forever. I just have to find a way to get out there in the world.
The most joy I receive all week is this blog. I write, I post, and I see all the positive feedback and page views and I am just overwhelmed at the response. I love to write. I was always told, ‘you’re a writer, Jennifer.’ I just need to find a way to make it happen. My glass of hope is over-flowing with passion and desire to make my life work.
          I miss my friends more than I ever thought I would. With my friends being scattered all over the United States, I just have to find the place that will work for me. I’d like to start traveling to these places to see if I can find the city that will work for me. Find the city. Find the job. I’m set. As much as I think about it, I’ve got to stop worrying about my financial situation and just try to make it work. I’m already on a pretty strict budget, and I know I would just have to be stricter in my finances.
                I’ve been watching F*R*I*E*N*D*S for the past week. Six people, living in New York and struggling with jobs, relationships, life and I feel that if I had a good support system life will work out. It will be hard. Every day it will be hard. But, with your friends there for you….it all changes.
Right now, in life I’ve been saying “when” without thinking of my possibility of something more.

“There’s something to be said about a glass half full…about knowing when to say “when.” I think it’s a floating line….a barometer of need and desire. It’s entirely up to the individual….and depends on what’s being poured. Sometimes, all we want is a taste. Other times, there’s no such thing as enough. The glass is bottomless, and all we want….is more. “

Live life with all the possibilities of more and know when to say “when.”

WITH YOU I'M BORN AGAIN

“When we say things like ‘people don’t change,’ it drives scientist crazy; because, change is literally the only constant in all of science. Energy, matter, it’s always changing. Morphing. Merging. Growing. Dying.  It’s the way people try not to change that is unnatural. The way we cling to what things were, instead of letting them be what they are. The way we cling to old memories, instead of forming new ones.”—Grey’s Anatomy

I have this memory of being completely surrounded by love. I have never felt more accepted in my life than when I was in college. As the time passes and the years grow longer from when I graduated, I still cling to this memory of love, acceptance, respect, and togetherness. College changed me for the better. I have changed for the better.
            I used to be this one way street walker. I was totally driven by conviction and what my family deemed as moral. I lived my life for others and all I found was misery in my strive for perfection.

I became a cutter and a risk taker. For once as the blood poured from my wrists, I was imperfect. I was wounded. I took large amounts of Tylenol PM hoping that when I drifted off to sleep, I wouldn’t wake up again. I was no longer able to live up to an expectation and I truly wanted to die. I had planned to kill myself, but at the last minute God reached down his arm and he saved me. I have shared this story before of how God saved me. I’m thankful I am here. I am beyond grateful for God and His saving grace.

        I’m not religious. I’m not spiritual. I have faith. I believe in God. I believe in the devil. I believe in Heaven. I believe in Hell. I’m just not a fan of the religious institutions. I believe that it is about a relationship. I do not have to sit and define my relationship with God to anyone. That is between Him and me.

I haven’t attended church in almost a year. I’m not sure where I stand anymore, as I’m struggling with everything I was ever told in church. After I left my home church of twelve years, to attend college, not one person ever reached out to talk to me (nor I to them--I was hurt). I thought church was about family and acceptance—but then again the church has proved me wrong. I have a feeling most of my church family has abandoned me because of my political stance. According to my family, you cannot be a Christian and be a democrat, liberal, or independent. I’m sorry, but just because one book says homosexuality is wrong—it gives me NO RIGHT to condemn anyone else or take away someone’s livelihood. I 1,5000%  support equality. Love is just love. Love isn’t gay love. Love isn’t black love. Love isn’t white love. Love knows no race, gender, color, or creed. As my eight year old cousin, eloquently put it, “Fish have love. Birds have love. Love is just love.”

My BFAX family was the closest thing true agape love and the closest thing to a real family. I didn’t have to prove anything to them. I could just be as I was. I grew to be a better person. I grew to be a better actress. I changed for the better because of the love I had and felt during my three and a half wonderful years as a part of the BFAX family. As we continue to grow, merge, morph into our adulthood—accept change. Be free to discoveries. Let old memories warm your heart and let new memories take hold of the present and the future

The Everyday Angel

One afternoon a mom and her son stopped at a local gas station to buy some drinks and fill up on gas. A young girl, also in the gas station noticed the mother and son. The mother was growing impatient with her son and began yellling at him for just being a normal six year old kid. The young girl turned to the little boy and noticed he was wearing a full head hearing aide. She figured he had some form of deafness. The young girl was walking out with a handful of stuff and the young boy rushed toward the door, his mom was yelling at him to come back. But the young boy was only trying to open the door for the girl with the handful of stuff. She smiled at the boy and signed "thank you" in sign language as she said it. The young boy looked up at her, with a dazed and shocked look and almost starred at her if she was an angel.
This everyday angel was the only person to ever sign to the boy outside of his immediate family. This everday angel was the only person who ever crossed his path and did not ignore him because of his handicap. This everday angel saw an oppurtunity to thank a darling little boy, who was being a gentleman. This everday angel was ME.
This happened to me a few years ago. Everytime I stop at this gas station, I am reminded of the little boy who opened the door for me. I am reminded that I took the time to thank him the only way I knew how. Sometimes the simplest simle goes a long way. Take time to notice those around you. Our world moves at a fast pace. Our world hides behind laptops, phones, and televisions. Our world is slowly slipping away from human interaction and more into cyperspace. I encourage every one of you who reads this blog to do something out of the ordinary. Smile at a stranger. Hold the door open for someone. Put the phone down. Turn off the TV. Turn off the computer. Sometimes it's the little things that count the most in life.

GOODBYE

“Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way.”

                                                                        -Grey’s Anatomy

There are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  Each stage looks different on every one, but there are always five stages.

      On August 7^th, 2000 I lost my Papa. He is the one regret in my life. He was an abusive alcoholic. As a child, I was innocent and only knew but to love him. As a teenager, I was angry at him. His mental instability forced my Grandma to come live with us. There are times I remember, going over to the house, to check on him with my parents. The house reeked of alcohol, feces, body odor, cigarettes, and rotten food. He lied on the floor covered in his own filth and blood too weak and too drunk to even get up. It was heartbreaking to see. Eventually, his body could not take anymore and he died.
     Before he died, my parents brought my brothers and me up to the Veteran’s Hospital to say “good-bye.” My brothers were first. As it came for my turn, a knot grew deep in the pit of my stomach. The man lying in that hospital bed was not my Papa. He was yellow. He was tiny. He looked like death. I leaned into his forehead, kiss his cheek and whispered good-bye. As I turned to leave, he grabbed my hand and with all and any strength he had left…he pulled me back to his bedside. He whispered, “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” I retracted my hand and quickly left the room. I sat in the lobby overwhelmed with emotions. I angrily waited for my parents to take me home. Three days later he passed away.
The only time I ever touched a dead body was when I went into the church for the funeral. I walked into the room, which held his casket. I touched his hand. I kissed his face and in his ear I whispered, “I forgive you.”A “forgive you” that came too late, but I had to say it. I had to hope on some level of a miracle, he would hear me.
The only time I have ever been to a military funeral was my Papa’s. I cried as they folded the flag. I cried when they handed the flag to my Grandma. I cried when my cousin played TAPS. I cried as they shot their rifles into the grey sky. As the last shot rang out, the tears stopped. Life moved on and I no longer missed him.Here’s the funny thing about grief, just when you think you are over it. It comes back full force.

Christmas the following year came fast. We were at Grandma’s house. We ate a wonderful Christmas dinner and shortly after began to open presents. I sat in my usual spot on the couch. I looked down on the floor, expecting to see my Papa there, lying on his big brown pillow. I looked and smiled… hoping he would see me smiling at him and there was nothing there but carpet. I got up and ran to the den, bursting into tears. I was sobbing uncontrollably and screaming, “He’s gone! He’s gone! He’s gone!” The family overheard, came into the den to comfort me and we all just sat there, holding one another and crying. It took me a whole year to accept the fact that Papa was gone. He was not coming back. There would no longer be the big brown pillow on the floor holding up his body. It was bare. It was empty. He was gone. He was gone.

           Family was always the one constant in my life. Suddenly, that constant changed. Life changed…I changed. I quickly realized that nothing in life is constant. It is forever changing; forever shifting; forever morphing. I cherish the moments of constancy; as I never know when life will shift and be thrown off balance. Life can change in an instant. Love life; live life in the here and now—“go live your freaking life.”

 

WISH YOU WERE HERE

“We all get at least one good wish a year….over the candles on our birthday.  Some of us throw in more.  On eyelashes….fountains….lucky stars. And every now and then one of those wishes comes true.  So what then?  Is it as good as we hoped? Do we bask in the warm glow of our happiness? Or do we just notice we got a long list of other wishes waiting to be wished? We don’t wish for the easy stuff. We wish for big things. Things that are ambitious…out of reach. We wish because we need help, and we’re scared, and we know we may be asking too much. We still wish though, because sometimes they come true.”                 – Grey’s Anatomy

Sunday July 15^th 2012, I celebrated my twenty-sixth birthday. It was a simple birthday with family and my person. I enjoyed it. As I blew out the imaginary twenty-six candles on my birthday cheesecake, I wished for happiness, peace, love, joy, a different job, and life in a new city.

           I was presented with the opportunity today to interview for a flight attendant position with United Airlines. I have to call to schedule it. The interview is in Houston, TX. I have to pay for travel expenses (flight, food, and hotel). When I read the email, I was immediately hit with nausea, confusion, excitement, frustration, anger, happiness and more nausea. Unfortunately, I do not have the means to pay for the expenses to get me to the interview. I do not own credit cards. I am sure I could loan it from someone, but I don’t want to risk the money if I don’t pass the interview. It would be all for nothing.
I applied for this position, as well as one with Continental, when I was having a bad week at work. This was four months ago and I honestly thought nothing would ever come of it. It had been four months. I figured someone else got the job. I have my good and bad days at my current job, but no matter what I do I still make the same amount of money. No matter how bad it gets, I still have a job. It pays the bills. I have made some good relationships, some in the office I work in and some in the other offices all over the United States. I am thankful for the experience I have gained, but seriously? I handle registrations, Department of Transportation rules and regulations. I have learned more than I have ever wanted to know about rules and regulations for truck drivers. I went to school for acting. I have been in plays. I have been a stage manager. I have been a dresser for actors. I have been on run crew. I was trained to do amazing things! Instead I sit behind a desk, forty hours a week and do data entry.
      I cannot sit here, writing and except an opportunity to just fall into my lap. I just don’t think this flight attendant position is my opportunity. I want to move to a city where I can work in film, television and theatre. I do not care if I never act again. I love the production side of entertainment. I like to be there from the beginning…watch the actors develop and see a show grow from nothing into something profound. All I really want is to be a part of a theatre family again. I miss my college theatre family, but now it’s time to find a new theatre family.
I thought being a flight attendant would allow me to move to an exciting new city. Truth. However, the demanding hours and rigorous schedule, it would be like I didn’t even live there. I want to be able to settle down, work somewhere interesting and have the flexibility to audition and/or work in a theatre.
I am at a crossroads in my adult life. I am stuck with a decision I cannot seem to make. Do I take a chance? Do I take a risk? Do I just stay where I am, save up money, and then move to a city of my choosing? I just feel stuck.
I have a choice and I just have to figure out what I want to do. I have to decide what I think is best for me for this moment in my life. As I sit here weighing the pros and cons, a hear the voice of Jiminy Cricket in my head.

When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
Anything your heart desires
Will come to you

If your heart is in your dream
No request is too extreme
When you wish upon a star

As dreamers do

                                                             Like a bolt out of the blue
                                                  Fate steps in and sees you through
                                                        When you wish upon a star
                                                           Your dreams come true

Wishes on eyelashes, wishes on stars, wishes on fountains, wishes on candles. We wish. I still wish though, because maybe it will come true.

SUPERSTITION

“No one wants to pass up a chance for good luck---we rely on superstitions because we’re smart enough to know we don’t have all the answers. And that life works in mysterious ways.”
                                                                                                                             -Grey’s Anatomy

When you become a theatre major, you learn all about the superstitions within the theatre world. You never whistle in the theatre. You never say “good luck” in the theatre. You never say “Macbeth” in the theatre.

           In high school, we all used to lock pinkies and kiss our fists before the show began. I carried over this tradition when I was in college during the few shows I performed. I don’t remember us having any certain rituals in college; except we always did a group warm up with “No Bananas in the Sky.” College allowed for time for your own warm-ups—and maybe those were perfectly crafted based on the person’s own superstitions.
I have a quirk about numbers. I count stairs as I walk up and down them. I never go into an odd number of a bathroom stall in a public place; unless it ends in an odd number, then I go by a multiple of 3. I eat everything in even numbers. I have a quirk about colors. When I eat candy, it goes in a specific order: brown, orange, green, yellow, red, blue, purple, and pink. Seventy-five percent of the time, when I leave my room I have to tap the doorway with my right hand. As ridiculous as this may seem, it is what I do.
          My Type-A personality is to blame. Some Type-A personalities can turn their compulsions into something constructive, I just do strange things and have one too many superstitions.  Good luck—it’s there because we don’t know any better. Superstitions—they’re there because we have irrational beliefs or fears.
Find a penny, pick it up. Knock on wood. Don’t step on a crack. Don’t walk under ladders. Don’t break a mirror. Don’t open an umbrella in the house. An apple a day, keeps the doctor away. Find a four leaf clover. Close your eyes, make a wish, and blow out the candles. Cross your fingers. Don’t mess with karma.And, as Meredith says, “don’t diss the juju wherever it comes.”