WITH YOU I'M BORN AGAIN

“When we say things like ‘people don’t change,’ it drives scientist crazy; because, change is literally the only constant in all of science. Energy, matter, it’s always changing. Morphing. Merging. Growing. Dying.  It’s the way people try not to change that is unnatural. The way we cling to what things were, instead of letting them be what they are. The way we cling to old memories, instead of forming new ones.”—Grey’s Anatomy

I have this memory of being completely surrounded by love. I have never felt more accepted in my life than when I was in college. As the time passes and the years grow longer from when I graduated, I still cling to this memory of love, acceptance, respect, and togetherness. College changed me for the better. I have changed for the better.
            I used to be this one way street walker. I was totally driven by conviction and what my family deemed as moral. I lived my life for others and all I found was misery in my strive for perfection.

I became a cutter and a risk taker. For once as the blood poured from my wrists, I was imperfect. I was wounded. I took large amounts of Tylenol PM hoping that when I drifted off to sleep, I wouldn’t wake up again. I was no longer able to live up to an expectation and I truly wanted to die. I had planned to kill myself, but at the last minute God reached down his arm and he saved me. I have shared this story before of how God saved me. I’m thankful I am here. I am beyond grateful for God and His saving grace.

        I’m not religious. I’m not spiritual. I have faith. I believe in God. I believe in the devil. I believe in Heaven. I believe in Hell. I’m just not a fan of the religious institutions. I believe that it is about a relationship. I do not have to sit and define my relationship with God to anyone. That is between Him and me.

I haven’t attended church in almost a year. I’m not sure where I stand anymore, as I’m struggling with everything I was ever told in church. After I left my home church of twelve years, to attend college, not one person ever reached out to talk to me (nor I to them--I was hurt). I thought church was about family and acceptance—but then again the church has proved me wrong. I have a feeling most of my church family has abandoned me because of my political stance. According to my family, you cannot be a Christian and be a democrat, liberal, or independent. I’m sorry, but just because one book says homosexuality is wrong—it gives me NO RIGHT to condemn anyone else or take away someone’s livelihood. I 1,5000%  support equality. Love is just love. Love isn’t gay love. Love isn’t black love. Love isn’t white love. Love knows no race, gender, color, or creed. As my eight year old cousin, eloquently put it, “Fish have love. Birds have love. Love is just love.”

My BFAX family was the closest thing true agape love and the closest thing to a real family. I didn’t have to prove anything to them. I could just be as I was. I grew to be a better person. I grew to be a better actress. I changed for the better because of the love I had and felt during my three and a half wonderful years as a part of the BFAX family. As we continue to grow, merge, morph into our adulthood—accept change. Be free to discoveries. Let old memories warm your heart and let new memories take hold of the present and the future

YESTERDAY

 “There’s no such thing as a grown-up. We’re still a bunch of kids running around on the playground trying desperately to fit in.”-Grey’s Anatomy

Yesterday, I attended a wedding as a bridesmaid to a friend I have known since the fourth grade. It was surreal to me.  I felt as if we were just playing dress up; as if we were just sitting on the bus talking about and dreaming about our future. Yesterday, I attended a wedding as a bridesmaid for my third time. In those fourth grade dreams, I dreamt I would be married by now and maybe have a kid or two, but life never has worked out the way I planned. I’m so happy for my friend and her new life. I wish nothing but the best for her and her husband. Although, it seems as if I am bitter about being a bridesmaid…you’re wrong. I love weddings. I enjoy being in weddings and if I have to sing “always a bridesmaid never a bride” a little while longer then so be it.

          I feel like the little boy David in David after Dentist on YouTube…”is this real life?” I work. I pay bills. I drive a car. I shop and I get to push the cart all by myself. How is this real life?

I like to color. I like to play with play-dough. Bubbles are still fun to blow. Swinging on swings calms me down. I love Disney movies. Glow sticks are entertaining. I giggle at inappropriate things. I burp and sometimes I do not say excuse me. I always have to visit the Disney store. I may act childish, but it is how I survive. It is how I make my life more interesting; it is how I make life worth living. I say all the time that I suffer from Peter Pan syndrome. I don’t ever want to truly grow up. I always want to have a childlike essence. I will never outgrow that.

We all have different playgrounds in life. There is the playground at work, the playground at home, the playground in our circle of friends, the playground at church, and the playground of life. We all want to be accepted, loved for who we are. Whether we are the kid without the name brand clothes, the kid with the frizzy red hair, the kid with the big glasses, the kid with the annoying voice, the kid who trips, the kid who pinches, the kid who bites…we just want to be accepted. As a kid, I was always running to the swings at recess. The freedom of feeling that you’re flying, and for just a moment you don’t have to run around and try to fit in. You are flying above everyone and the class politics do not matter. As I got older, it was running to the moon climber, sitting on top, and telling the other kids trying to fit in that they couldn’t join my friends and me on top of the moon climber. Maybe that wasn’t the nicest move, but there are always going to be places where we all just won’t fit no matter how hard we try or hope that we can. “We hope against all logic, against all experience. Like children we never give up hope.”