YESTERDAY

 “There’s no such thing as a grown-up. We’re still a bunch of kids running around on the playground trying desperately to fit in.”-Grey’s Anatomy

Yesterday, I attended a wedding as a bridesmaid to a friend I have known since the fourth grade. It was surreal to me.  I felt as if we were just playing dress up; as if we were just sitting on the bus talking about and dreaming about our future. Yesterday, I attended a wedding as a bridesmaid for my third time. In those fourth grade dreams, I dreamt I would be married by now and maybe have a kid or two, but life never has worked out the way I planned. I’m so happy for my friend and her new life. I wish nothing but the best for her and her husband. Although, it seems as if I am bitter about being a bridesmaid…you’re wrong. I love weddings. I enjoy being in weddings and if I have to sing “always a bridesmaid never a bride” a little while longer then so be it.

          I feel like the little boy David in David after Dentist on YouTube…”is this real life?” I work. I pay bills. I drive a car. I shop and I get to push the cart all by myself. How is this real life?

I like to color. I like to play with play-dough. Bubbles are still fun to blow. Swinging on swings calms me down. I love Disney movies. Glow sticks are entertaining. I giggle at inappropriate things. I burp and sometimes I do not say excuse me. I always have to visit the Disney store. I may act childish, but it is how I survive. It is how I make my life more interesting; it is how I make life worth living. I say all the time that I suffer from Peter Pan syndrome. I don’t ever want to truly grow up. I always want to have a childlike essence. I will never outgrow that.

We all have different playgrounds in life. There is the playground at work, the playground at home, the playground in our circle of friends, the playground at church, and the playground of life. We all want to be accepted, loved for who we are. Whether we are the kid without the name brand clothes, the kid with the frizzy red hair, the kid with the big glasses, the kid with the annoying voice, the kid who trips, the kid who pinches, the kid who bites…we just want to be accepted. As a kid, I was always running to the swings at recess. The freedom of feeling that you’re flying, and for just a moment you don’t have to run around and try to fit in. You are flying above everyone and the class politics do not matter. As I got older, it was running to the moon climber, sitting on top, and telling the other kids trying to fit in that they couldn’t join my friends and me on top of the moon climber. Maybe that wasn’t the nicest move, but there are always going to be places where we all just won’t fit no matter how hard we try or hope that we can. “We hope against all logic, against all experience. Like children we never give up hope.”

It's the End of the World......

“What’s the one thing you’ve always dreamed of doing before you die?”

                                                                        -MEREDITH GREY, GREY’S ANATOMY

You know, I’ve been thinking a lot about death these past three days. Maybe it is because I like to think the Mayans could be correct about the Apocalypse. Maybe it is because Thursday’s episode of Grey’s Anatomy. Death is imminent, unpredictable, and possible.

I asked my parents if they had a will Friday. They do not. I asked them if they would consider a will, and include if they would ever want extraordinary measures taken in extreme circumstances. As the oldest of the family, I feel it would be my duty to carry out my parent’s wishes.

I also considered a will for myself. Is it too early? I’m a ridiculous to think that at the age of twenty-five I would seriously need a will? Maybe it is; maybe it isn’t. Instead of pondering on my will and what will happen to my belongings when I am gone; I’d like to spend my time focusing on living. The present. The here and now, and not the hereafter.  Again, the question punches me in the gut…”what’s the one thing you’ve always dreamed of doing before you die?”

As a kid, I dreamed several times about Neverland. I’d hang out with Peter Pan. We would battle pirates, swim with the mermaids, and rescue Tiger Lily. When I’d return from Neverland, I’d be so excited to show my parents I could fly. And I never could fly. Flying only existed in Neverland. Flying only existed to those who believed in the magic of never growing up.

…”what’s the one thing you’ve always dreamed of doing before you die?”

My dream is to never grow up. While on the outside my body will change and adapt to the years I’ve lived, my heart, mind, and soul will remain forever young. There’s a quote by John Milton, “Childhood shows the man as morning shows the day.”

Growing up is hard. There isn’t one right guide line of rules to give you all the answers to adulthood. The rules we learn in grade school somehow still apply to adulthood. We are all children running around on the playground trying to fit in….STILL!

My dream is to never grow up. Think one happy thought and you can fly. Life isn’t magical pixie dust. It is real, tough, and in your face. Life won’t leave you alone until you take your last breath. Life is happy moments. Life is sad moments. Life is regret. Life is learning. Life is growing up.

Think one happy thought and you can fly. Maybe if we all had a little Neverland in us—we could never outgrow the child in us.