I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE SOMEBODY'S WATCHING ME

                           “The only cure for paranoia is just to be here, as you are.”- Grey’s Anatomy

In seventh grade, I went to stay with a friend for the night. We were going to watch movies, pig out on pizza and stay up late. Her parents were gone for the night helping a friend painting their house, and they had a family friend stay with us. It was about 1:00am and we could no longer stay awake. We crashed in the living room. At 1:30am, a dark shadow moved across the front porch and stopped at the window. The porch light was on and I saw him. A man dressed in black, standing there and starring into the house.  Panicked, I calmly woke up my friend, “Rachel! There is a man standing at the window looking at us.”

She slowly turned over and faced the window. Neither of us could move. We just laid there silent and frozen. Occasionally, we would turn our heads to face the window. He just stood there. After about an hour, he left. We screamed for the rest of the house to wake up and told them the story.

For years, I felt as if he was always around. I would see him in the grocery store. I would see him at school. I would see him everywhere I went. The very hairs on my neck would stand straight up and I would be too afraid to turn around. I lived a live in fear for years, feared that the one time I turned around he would be there. The man in black.

As I grew older, the paranoia only grew stronger. I went through a traumatic event and itonly fueled the fear and paranoia. Every sound was someone breaking in. The dogs barking were a warning that someone was there. The knock on the door was a serial killer. As silly as it sounds, this is my reality. This was the life I was living a life where I could not be me because I was so focused on the fear.

Eventually the fear became too much to bear. I decided to put myself into therapy. I’ve been in therapy for the past two years and the paranoia is slowly becoming just a small part of my life.

I’m 25 years old and I am finally able to live life the way it is meant to be lived. Free from intense fear and paranoia. Some say fear and paranoia are the same thing; I disagree. Due to a financial situation, I live with my grandparents. They are vacationing for the summer, and I have been home alone. It has been the best experience. I actually enjoy being home alone. I am not scared anymore. I refuse to live a life of fear. I chose to be brave. There are moments when fear and paranoia seem to want to take over and I just have to remind myself that I am bigger than that fear.  Whatever fears and paranoia you have in your life, remember you are bigger than that fear. And just like me, you can overcome it.

YESTERDAY

 “There’s no such thing as a grown-up. We’re still a bunch of kids running around on the playground trying desperately to fit in.”-Grey’s Anatomy

Yesterday, I attended a wedding as a bridesmaid to a friend I have known since the fourth grade. It was surreal to me.  I felt as if we were just playing dress up; as if we were just sitting on the bus talking about and dreaming about our future. Yesterday, I attended a wedding as a bridesmaid for my third time. In those fourth grade dreams, I dreamt I would be married by now and maybe have a kid or two, but life never has worked out the way I planned. I’m so happy for my friend and her new life. I wish nothing but the best for her and her husband. Although, it seems as if I am bitter about being a bridesmaid…you’re wrong. I love weddings. I enjoy being in weddings and if I have to sing “always a bridesmaid never a bride” a little while longer then so be it.

          I feel like the little boy David in David after Dentist on YouTube…”is this real life?” I work. I pay bills. I drive a car. I shop and I get to push the cart all by myself. How is this real life?

I like to color. I like to play with play-dough. Bubbles are still fun to blow. Swinging on swings calms me down. I love Disney movies. Glow sticks are entertaining. I giggle at inappropriate things. I burp and sometimes I do not say excuse me. I always have to visit the Disney store. I may act childish, but it is how I survive. It is how I make my life more interesting; it is how I make life worth living. I say all the time that I suffer from Peter Pan syndrome. I don’t ever want to truly grow up. I always want to have a childlike essence. I will never outgrow that.

We all have different playgrounds in life. There is the playground at work, the playground at home, the playground in our circle of friends, the playground at church, and the playground of life. We all want to be accepted, loved for who we are. Whether we are the kid without the name brand clothes, the kid with the frizzy red hair, the kid with the big glasses, the kid with the annoying voice, the kid who trips, the kid who pinches, the kid who bites…we just want to be accepted. As a kid, I was always running to the swings at recess. The freedom of feeling that you’re flying, and for just a moment you don’t have to run around and try to fit in. You are flying above everyone and the class politics do not matter. As I got older, it was running to the moon climber, sitting on top, and telling the other kids trying to fit in that they couldn’t join my friends and me on top of the moon climber. Maybe that wasn’t the nicest move, but there are always going to be places where we all just won’t fit no matter how hard we try or hope that we can. “We hope against all logic, against all experience. Like children we never give up hope.”

SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT

“Communication it’s the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up; learn our words, and really starting talking the harder it becomes to know what to say.” –Grey’s Anatomy

With our world of communication today, we hide behind technology. Nowadays, people break up in emails and text messages. There is such a lack of communication. Words are shortened, grammar is forgotten, and punctuation is obsolete. There is no human connection anymore.

              I make it a point to do my best to put my phone away while I am out to eat. I do my best to put my phone away when I’m hanging out with a friend. However, there are times when Google becomes necessary or looking up an actor’s information on IMDB.  I do not want to be so attached to my phone that I cannot connect with someone on a personal level….look them in the eye, smile….CONNECT!
As a teenager, I struggled to find the right words to tell my parents why I felt depressed. It was always easiest for me to write it out. In writing, I wouldn’t get so emotional; in speaking you could only but expect the water works.
As kids, we do not understand the concept of words and how they affect others. Suddenly, we learn there are things that can and cannot be said.

I’ve always been a talker. At a very young age, I could speak well. I began reading at an early age as well. I loved words. I may not use a very big vocabulary very often, but I know it is there when I want to use it. There are situations when there really are no words to say, in death, in heartache, in terrible tragedies.

Sometimes the best thing to do, is to just listen and say nothing; to be there as a comfort and a shoulder to cry on.
         I’ve been in therapy for the past almost two years. I’ve been working on dealing with a traumatic issue, but I’ve also learned to be a better person and to be a better daughter, sister and friend. I’ve learned to be a better communicator and I’m slowing learning to be a better person. I will always be growing, learning, and becoming a better person; but, I will never stop…there is always room to grow more.
I feel as long as we are learning and making ourselves better, we can be better communicators. We can have the right words; we can know what to say and when to say it.
Relationships thrive on the three C’s: communication, connection, contact (physical). I do not know if I have heard this before or if I just made it up, but it is true. Put down the phone, hide the laptop, turn off the TV and talk to your person(s). Give them something to talk about.

STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN

“I believe in heaven. I also believe in hell. I have never seen either, but I believe they exist. They have to exist; because without a heaven, without a hell, we are all just headed for limbo.”

                                                                                                                                                  –Grey’s Anatomy

There are things in life that I will never understand.  I do not think we are meant to understand everything or be all knowing. I will never understand tragedy. I will never understand death. I will never understand heartache. Maybe I will never understand love.

I used to live a life so focused on being perfect. I used to live a life so focused on judging those who did not attend church or believe in God. I became a person I hated. I do not really know when everything changed, but it did.

          I do not understand the concept of telling a person “You’re going to Hell.” Who am I to say that? Who is anyone to say that? We do not know people’s circumstances. We do not know people’s true heart. Only God does. Let God be the judge. Let God be the jury. Let us sit in the stands a neutral spectator. Maybe then there will be less hate in the world. Maybe then we can learn to walk in an agape kind of love.

I believe in Heaven. I believe in Hell. I was raised in a church, so I know what the Bible says about Heaven and Hell. I just, I just….I don’t know if I want to believe that not everyone can go to Heaven. I would hate to see anyone go to Hell, well maybe with exception of Hitler and Osama Bin Laden---he is probably really enjoying is 70 (whatever) virgins.

“Heaven. Hell. Limbo, No one really knows where we’re going, or what’s waiting for us when we get there. But the one thing we can say for sure with absolute certainty…is that there are moments that take us to another place….moments of heaven on earth. And maybe for now, that’s all we need to know.”

I captured this last week at the lake. This is picture is the essence of heaven on earth. Maybe if we look for more moments of heaven on earth—we can live a long and beautiful life.