NIGHT POEM

A path I took, a road I’ve traveled

A friend I’ve lost, a love I’ve felt

Life is hard, life is easy

Dreams are hopeless

Wishes are endless

Too scared to dream

Too scared to wish

There’s no way to go back

I cannot undo what has been done

A star to light my path

A gentle hand to lead the way

I close my eyes and wish

Wishing for the courage

Wishing for the strength

To continue on any path I take

-Written: September 15th, 2009

IN THE MIDNIGHT HOUR

“Sleep. It’s the easiest thing to do. You just close your eyes. But for so many of us, sleep seems out of our grasp. We want it, but we don’t know how to get it.”  -Grey’s Anatomy

The corporation I work for closed down the office at 1:00pm this afternoon because the air conditioner was broke. We were all hot, miserable, and cranky. I am surprised that they allowed us to stay for so long. The temperature in the office was nearing 100 degrees. It was miserable. I was sweating profusely.I came home and took a shower and all I wanted to do was close my eyes and go to sleep. However, I knew that if I did fall asleep I would struggle to sleep tonight. The irony of this quote inspired me to write my blog. As I sit here my eyes are heavy and my pillow looks extremely comfortable.

         In college, sleep was the easiest thing. I loved to sleep. I could sleep with no issues. My schedule was so full that I would chose sleep over eating or showering. Once I got out of college sleep was unattainable.

I took Ambien for a few months. I was disturbed by the hallucinations and the fact that I would get up and cook with no recollection of it happening. I immediately stopped taking it and now I usually take Melatonin or some other natural sleep aide. Some nights I just cannot sleep. I will lie awake until the sun comes up. I also have a hard time staying asleep. I used to be able to fall asleep, stay asleep, and not wake up until my alarm went off. I do not understand why sleep is now so difficult. I want it, but cannot seem to fully fulfill my sleep needs.

Fifteen years ago, most people didn’t have laptops, cellphones, televisions, movies, cable, game systems. Our society today is so focused on media and electronics that we have lost our ability to communicate with ourselves and others. We are so overly-stimulated that our minds seem to spin out of control. Our brains cannot seem to settle down and relax when it is time to sleep.

I’m a stresser. I’m a worrier. It is more difficult for me to find ways to turn my mind off or settle down enough to fall asleep. I have mild PTSD and a little bit of paranoia. I jump at every loud sound and think the worst when the dogs in the backyard begin to bark.
To provide how silly my paranoia is, here is a little story of what happened today. I was getting out of my car and I opened my door.  I went to grab my purse, saw a shadow, and my door closed. I freaked out and then felt stupid. The shadow was my door closing. The wind was responsible for shutting my door.
I’m currently in therapy working out my PTSD and paranoia. It is fun to live a life of fear. I have read somewhere that having fear is a gift—it’s good. Unwanted fear is a curse. Most of my fears are unwanted caused by my own insecurities.

“But once we face our demons, face our fears, and turn to each other for help night time isn’t so scary because we realize we aren’t all alone in the dark.”

You are never alone in the situation you go through or the struggles you face. We are all here struggling together. We struggle in life so we can be mentors to those struggling too.

I’m sure when the night time comes and I cannot sleep; I can always find someone who is awake too.   

HOW INSENSITIVE

“No matter how thick skinned we try to be there’s millions of electrifying nerve endings in there.”

                                                                                                                                              -Grey’s Anatomy

I am the type of person who does not hide my emotions well. When I am angry, I stay quiet and I am 100% focused. When I am happy, I’m glowing and I’m always smiling. When I am sad, the tears flow and there is no way to stop it until I have cried it all out. I am easily to read emotionally, this can be a good thing; this can be a bad thing.

                As an actor, I know I have chosen a career where I have to do my best to be thick skinned. Otherwise, allowing the constant rejection to affect me would prevent me from ever trying again.

Not to say that after an audition or another rejection I won’t scream or cry. I will just allow myself to be effected by it for fifteen minutes and then I will let it go. I can only control what I can control.

Last week, I was hurt by something that was said to me. I had asked a family member to validate my feelings. The response was, “I don’t understand. You’re a grown woman.” I found this to be completely untrue. No matter how old we get, we still have feelings that are very real to us. Whether or not someone will see them as sane or insane, the feelings are still very real to the person having them.

It is okay to have emotions. It is okay to be thick skinned. Being thick skinned does not necessarily mean you are apathetic, it just means you are confident. Thick skin encourages bravery, and you will always know you can survive and get through another day.

SCARS AND SOUVENIRS

“Maybe our old wounds teach us something….they remind us of where we’ve been and what we’ve overcome. They teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future.”

                                                                                                            -Grey’s Anatomy

At first glance you would not see them, maybe even after a second or third glance you still wouldn’t see them; but, I know they are there. If I held out my palms to you and you carefully glanced in good lighting, you would see the self-inflicted wounds of escape. The wounds of my teenage years are ever so lightly sketched on my wrists. 
               As a teenager, I was a cutter. I never cut too deep, only enough to draw a little blood and cause minimal pain. The blood was almost the screams I couldn’t scream. I would raise my hands and let the blood pour down my arms to my elbows until it reached the floor. As sick and twisted as this may seem, the cathartic release you get when you press the knife to your skin, is only something a fellow cutter would understand.
I cut for about two years off and on; then, once I realized life wasn’t so bad and it was only going to get better I stopped. Embarrassed by the marks I had caused I wore bracelet and long sleeved shirts…I did anything I possibly could to cover up my scars.
This all took place over ten years ago. I am much wiser. I am much stronger. As a lyric in a P!nk song goes, “I wouldn’t trade the pain for what I’ve learned.” And I truly wouldn’t.
I have a story to tell. I have people that I need to help. There is so much hurt and pain in this world, if I can be a living example to someone else that no matter what you fight, maybe this world will not lose another person to suicide.
            The tattoo on my shoulder is my symbol, a reminder I wish I had when I was struggling. But, now I can share this beautiful work of art on my body as a reminder. I have Katy Perry to thank for the beautiful lyrics, “You’re original, cannot be replaced.” I put a lot of thought into this tattoo before I went and had it inked on me forever. I wish I could snap a picture of it, put it on a card, and send it to the world.
I want to get another tattoo. I want to get a tattoo on my wrists. I want it to read, “I am who I am. I have nothing to prove.” I am not a 100% sure if I want that or to quote P!nk again ( I love P!nk, okay?) “You’re perfect.” There is no way I could ever get “F**kin’ Perfect,” as much as the little devil in me is screaming yes.

            The tattoo isn’t something I am doing out of conceitedness, I am not that type of person. It is to serve as a reminder to myself and others, that no matter what we’ve been through we take the struggle, the pain, and the mess and turn it into a work of art.

So, friends and dear readers of my blog I leave you with this, if you are struggling please do not give up. There are people out there who care about you. I care about you. There are numbers you can call, centers you can visit…there is help. Life gets messy, but you can choose to turn the mess into the best and live your life to your full potential.

Shiny Happy People

“Ask most people what they want outta life and the answer is simple…to be happy.”

                                                                                                            -Grey’s Anatomy

I have been on both sides of the fence before, a happy side and a sad side. I have even tottered in the middle and let me tell you that is one step away from insanity.

It is my true belief that you cannot be happy or be sad. You chose. I chose. I am solely responsible for my own emotions and how I chose to react at the mess life makes.

I am no neurologist, but it looks as if we use more of our brains to be sad that we use to be happy. It takes more effort to be sad. Depressed people sleep a lot more because their brains are worn out from keeping up. I do not know all this for a fact; I am just looking at the picture and trying to figure it out for myself.

            If you were to ask me what I wanted out of life, it would be to be happy. I feel like with happiness comes love, reassurance, peace, comfort and stability.

I searched for a white on the internet for happiness. I found this article to be incredibly useful and true. I think we could all use these steps as reminders for when life gets tough.( http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Happy)

9 STEPS TO BEING HAPPY

1.      Be optimistic: Understand that the past does not equal the future. See yourself as a cause, not an effect. Use positive affirmations. I actually use positive affirmations. On the back of my door, I have six quotes that build me up and remind me that I matter.

     2.      Follow your gut: Live by the 3 C’s of life: choices, chances, and changes. “You need to make a choice to take a chance or your life will never change.

3.      Make enough money to meet your basic needs: How much is that? The magic number is $40,000.

4.      Stay close to family and friends: You can find comfort in family and friends. Our family and friends have a greater impact on our happiness that our salary at work.

5.      Have deep meaningful conversations: Step away from the computer, put down the iPhone and meet someone for coffee.

6.      Find happiness in the job you have now: Once I understood this and was able to just be happy at work, my work life got far less complicated and my work days FLY by.

7.      Smile: J

8.      Forgive: Forgiveness will heal your heart.

9.      Make friends with those who share your interests and faith: I find the friends who share my interests and beliefs are the friends that are still around and the friends that make me my happiest when I am with them.

What do you want out of life? It is to be happy….isn’t it?

HERE'S TO FUTURE DAYS

“We spend our whole lives worrying about the future, planning for the future, trying to predict the future…as if figuring it out will somehow cushion the blow.  But the future is always changing. The future is the home of our deepest fears and our wildest hopes. But one thing is certain: when it finally reveals itself the future is never the way we imagined it.”                 

                                                                                                                                       -Grey’s Anatomy

I got a raise last week at work. This is significant to me because it will make my life less complicated. I will be able to pay down my credit cards and take the extra money to save for the future.I do not know where I’m going or what will happen when I get there, not knowing is slightly scary but I think it will be okay.

           As I have said in my past blogs, I have only ever dreamed or imagined my future. Well, things never turn out the way you plan. As a teenager, I thought I’d be married by now with kids. As a college student, I thought I’d be working at a wonderful theatre or working as a production assistant for a Hollywood film. Well… I am neither here nor there. Currently, I am sitting on my bedroom floor of my grandparent’s home listening to the “Sleep Station” I’ve created on Pandora. Instrumental music seems to pull me into my creative writing world where I can just be me and write my heart to whoever wants to read.
I have a passion for writing. I feel I have a gift to write and maybe my blogging will turn into something greater than I expected. It may just turn into something I never could have even imagined.
I’m putting the tools in place to get me to wherever it is I am supposed to go. I am researching production companies, theatre companies, and places to live. I’m spicing up my resume, updating my cover letters; printing out headshots…I’m always searching, always looking anywhere and everywhere to something that appeals to me.
           As an actor, I want to speak the truth. I do not want it just to be memorized lines. I want it to be raw and real. As I jump from that cliff and leap and bound, I want the audience right there with me…rooting for me.
As I writer, I want the reader to hear my voice and root for my characters; or, in the case of a blog root for me.
As a person, who loves to help people, I want people to know I’d make the best assistant, the hardest and most dedicated worker.

I’m a dreamer. I’m a creator. I’m a giver. I’m a lover. I’m the only me and the best me. As proof of the things I have just stated, I’ve kept true to my writing a blog (even though I skipped last week). I have learned “Someone Like You” by Adele on the piano. My goals for 2012 were to learn to play the piano and write a blog for the entire year.

I’ve made friends. I’ve lost friends. I’ve become friends with acquaintances. I’m performing better and better at my job. I’m laughing more. I’m crying more. I’m loving life and thankful for every moment I have.
So far, 2012 has taught me that I’m strong, that I meant for something more. Soon, when my future comes…I just might find out what that something more is. The future, “the home of our deepest fears and our wildest hopes,” I sure hope you’re ready for me.

IF TOMORROW NEVER COMES

“Never leave that til tomorrow, which you can do today. We have to sweep today’s possibility under tomorrow’s rug until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin meant. That knowing is better than wondering. That waking is better than sleeping.” –Grey’s Anatomy

I feel as if I am in an awkward phase of my mid-twenties; with my twenty-sixth birthday just ninety six days away…I’m beginning to think there is more than the life I’m living. Hell, there is ALWAYS MORE. I always thought that by twenty-six I’d be married with a kid or two. I’m so far away from beginning there and it scares me.

Today, I thought about what it must be like to be Kate Winslet. Ironically, as I type this a Titanic song comes up in my I-tunes. She is beautiful. She is ridiculously blessed with a career that I only dream of having. Then I think, “I would just like to meet her.” I’d shake her hand and tell her “Thank you for impacting my life as an actor. Your work means a lot to me. Keep it up, Ms. Kate.” For some odd reason, I find that if I ever were to meet an actor I’d refer to them by Ms. or Mr. and either their first or last name. I don’t know why I feel the need that I must to this. Maybe it is the southern upbringing.

                As I was going through the scenario of meeting Ms. Kate Winslet in my head, I heard a voice say, “You were meant for something more.” I am meant for something more. As far back as I can remember I have had a fascination for movies, acting, production, and the music in the movies. As far back as I can remember I have always wanted to be a part of that.  I’ve wanted to create that magic that goes into a film. You were meant for something more.

I just know that I know that I know that I know….art/entertainment/film/TV is what I am supposed to be doing with my life.  Or maybe this writing thing will be my launching pad. Maybe I really will be the one who creates the magic, by writing the magic.

I am making it a point from this point forward to do what I can to follow my heart and chase my dreams; because, what if tomorrow never comes? If I don’t move forward now, I’m always in the same place…stuck. And maybe, just this once I won’t have to wonder anymore…I can finally know. I can stop sleeping and wake up to tomorrow’s realm of possibilities.