DESIRE

“Desire can wreck your life; but, as tough as wanting something can be…the people who suffer the most are those who don’t know what they want.”—Grey’s Anatomy

 Last week, I was overwhelmed with the desire to return to school.  I wanted to be a pediatric nurse. I wanted to be a doctor. I wanted to be an FBI agent. I wanted to be a lawyer. I wanted to be a counselor. I wanted to get a second degree in theatre and/or acting.

       Today, I have the overwhelming desire to move out of the current state I live in and to somewhere where I can work and pursue acting, writing, production work, etc.
It is almost as if I truly do not know what I want in my life anymore. There are days I consider finally opening my heart and start to date. There are days when I shudder at the fact of having children and days when I cannot wait to be a mom.  Therefore, according to this quote, I am in the category of suffering—for not knowing what I want.

 It is dangerous (I feel) to live life by a plan—because as I’ve experienced in my short twenty-six years, nothing ever goes according to plan. I think life is best lived my setting goals and doing what you can to meet those goals.

For 2012, I set three goals: stop biting my nails, write a blog for an entire year, and get Katy Perry to see my tattoo.
I have accomplished two out of three. I have not bitten my nails once this year. I have written a blog a week for almost the entire year. This is blog forty-eight and I have to get to fifty-two. So, my last goal is to get Katy Perry to see my tattoo, whether I get to personal show her or she sees the picture on the internet—I just want her to see it.

I’m proud of myself. I used to be terrible at setting and accomplishing goals, so 2013, I feel will be another year of accomplishing more goals that I have.

Desire can be poison. As you can see, I had all these desires to return to school, but I didn’t act on that desire.
I constantly struggle with the fear of moving on and leaving behind what I know for fear of the unknown and uncertain.
My support system here is what keeps me together. The people here in my life make my life enjoyable and if I have to work a mediocre job that I loathe—it almost seems like the job should be tolerable. I know I cannot keep up with this and I need to continue to search for more and improve my life—because I know that I am meant for something more.

So, for 2013 my goals are: to move out of my current state, to get a new job, and to not hold back.

To not hold back seems pretty vague, I just want to not let fear hold me back. I do not want to miss out on wonderful opportunities because of fear. I want to be able to have regrets and make mistakes. I want to be able to enjoy life as much as possible while there is life to live.

I know my blogs are not good every week. I have good weeks and I have bad weeks, but it has never held me back from not writing. I know some people who read and some are complete strangers, yet I appreciate every single page view and every single comment. This blog has given me the confidence that maybe one day, I can pursue writing.

I was told since I was ten years old that I had a gift for writing. I think this is where my good desire lies; I have a desire to write always and always. Once again, I want to thank my readers. I am so elated with the good response I have received as it continually boosts my confidence that I have what it takes. Desire can wreck your life, but I think it also brings you possibilities to chase all of your dreams.

SCARS AND SOUVENIRS

“Maybe our old wounds teach us something….they remind us of where we’ve been and what we’ve overcome. They teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future.”

                                                                                                            -Grey’s Anatomy

At first glance you would not see them, maybe even after a second or third glance you still wouldn’t see them; but, I know they are there. If I held out my palms to you and you carefully glanced in good lighting, you would see the self-inflicted wounds of escape. The wounds of my teenage years are ever so lightly sketched on my wrists. 
               As a teenager, I was a cutter. I never cut too deep, only enough to draw a little blood and cause minimal pain. The blood was almost the screams I couldn’t scream. I would raise my hands and let the blood pour down my arms to my elbows until it reached the floor. As sick and twisted as this may seem, the cathartic release you get when you press the knife to your skin, is only something a fellow cutter would understand.
I cut for about two years off and on; then, once I realized life wasn’t so bad and it was only going to get better I stopped. Embarrassed by the marks I had caused I wore bracelet and long sleeved shirts…I did anything I possibly could to cover up my scars.
This all took place over ten years ago. I am much wiser. I am much stronger. As a lyric in a P!nk song goes, “I wouldn’t trade the pain for what I’ve learned.” And I truly wouldn’t.
I have a story to tell. I have people that I need to help. There is so much hurt and pain in this world, if I can be a living example to someone else that no matter what you fight, maybe this world will not lose another person to suicide.
            The tattoo on my shoulder is my symbol, a reminder I wish I had when I was struggling. But, now I can share this beautiful work of art on my body as a reminder. I have Katy Perry to thank for the beautiful lyrics, “You’re original, cannot be replaced.” I put a lot of thought into this tattoo before I went and had it inked on me forever. I wish I could snap a picture of it, put it on a card, and send it to the world.
I want to get another tattoo. I want to get a tattoo on my wrists. I want it to read, “I am who I am. I have nothing to prove.” I am not a 100% sure if I want that or to quote P!nk again ( I love P!nk, okay?) “You’re perfect.” There is no way I could ever get “F**kin’ Perfect,” as much as the little devil in me is screaming yes.

            The tattoo isn’t something I am doing out of conceitedness, I am not that type of person. It is to serve as a reminder to myself and others, that no matter what we’ve been through we take the struggle, the pain, and the mess and turn it into a work of art.

So, friends and dear readers of my blog I leave you with this, if you are struggling please do not give up. There are people out there who care about you. I care about you. There are numbers you can call, centers you can visit…there is help. Life gets messy, but you can choose to turn the mess into the best and live your life to your full potential.