NIGHT POEM

A path I took, a road I’ve traveled

A friend I’ve lost, a love I’ve felt

Life is hard, life is easy

Dreams are hopeless

Wishes are endless

Too scared to dream

Too scared to wish

There’s no way to go back

I cannot undo what has been done

A star to light my path

A gentle hand to lead the way

I close my eyes and wish

Wishing for the courage

Wishing for the strength

To continue on any path I take

-Written: September 15th, 2009

IN THE MIDNIGHT HOUR

“Sleep. It’s the easiest thing to do. You just close your eyes. But for so many of us, sleep seems out of our grasp. We want it, but we don’t know how to get it.”  -Grey’s Anatomy

The corporation I work for closed down the office at 1:00pm this afternoon because the air conditioner was broke. We were all hot, miserable, and cranky. I am surprised that they allowed us to stay for so long. The temperature in the office was nearing 100 degrees. It was miserable. I was sweating profusely.I came home and took a shower and all I wanted to do was close my eyes and go to sleep. However, I knew that if I did fall asleep I would struggle to sleep tonight. The irony of this quote inspired me to write my blog. As I sit here my eyes are heavy and my pillow looks extremely comfortable.

         In college, sleep was the easiest thing. I loved to sleep. I could sleep with no issues. My schedule was so full that I would chose sleep over eating or showering. Once I got out of college sleep was unattainable.

I took Ambien for a few months. I was disturbed by the hallucinations and the fact that I would get up and cook with no recollection of it happening. I immediately stopped taking it and now I usually take Melatonin or some other natural sleep aide. Some nights I just cannot sleep. I will lie awake until the sun comes up. I also have a hard time staying asleep. I used to be able to fall asleep, stay asleep, and not wake up until my alarm went off. I do not understand why sleep is now so difficult. I want it, but cannot seem to fully fulfill my sleep needs.

Fifteen years ago, most people didn’t have laptops, cellphones, televisions, movies, cable, game systems. Our society today is so focused on media and electronics that we have lost our ability to communicate with ourselves and others. We are so overly-stimulated that our minds seem to spin out of control. Our brains cannot seem to settle down and relax when it is time to sleep.

I’m a stresser. I’m a worrier. It is more difficult for me to find ways to turn my mind off or settle down enough to fall asleep. I have mild PTSD and a little bit of paranoia. I jump at every loud sound and think the worst when the dogs in the backyard begin to bark.
To provide how silly my paranoia is, here is a little story of what happened today. I was getting out of my car and I opened my door.  I went to grab my purse, saw a shadow, and my door closed. I freaked out and then felt stupid. The shadow was my door closing. The wind was responsible for shutting my door.
I’m currently in therapy working out my PTSD and paranoia. It is fun to live a life of fear. I have read somewhere that having fear is a gift—it’s good. Unwanted fear is a curse. Most of my fears are unwanted caused by my own insecurities.

“But once we face our demons, face our fears, and turn to each other for help night time isn’t so scary because we realize we aren’t all alone in the dark.”

You are never alone in the situation you go through or the struggles you face. We are all here struggling together. We struggle in life so we can be mentors to those struggling too.

I’m sure when the night time comes and I cannot sleep; I can always find someone who is awake too.   

HOW INSENSITIVE

“No matter how thick skinned we try to be there’s millions of electrifying nerve endings in there.”

                                                                                                                                              -Grey’s Anatomy

I am the type of person who does not hide my emotions well. When I am angry, I stay quiet and I am 100% focused. When I am happy, I’m glowing and I’m always smiling. When I am sad, the tears flow and there is no way to stop it until I have cried it all out. I am easily to read emotionally, this can be a good thing; this can be a bad thing.

                As an actor, I know I have chosen a career where I have to do my best to be thick skinned. Otherwise, allowing the constant rejection to affect me would prevent me from ever trying again.

Not to say that after an audition or another rejection I won’t scream or cry. I will just allow myself to be effected by it for fifteen minutes and then I will let it go. I can only control what I can control.

Last week, I was hurt by something that was said to me. I had asked a family member to validate my feelings. The response was, “I don’t understand. You’re a grown woman.” I found this to be completely untrue. No matter how old we get, we still have feelings that are very real to us. Whether or not someone will see them as sane or insane, the feelings are still very real to the person having them.

It is okay to have emotions. It is okay to be thick skinned. Being thick skinned does not necessarily mean you are apathetic, it just means you are confident. Thick skin encourages bravery, and you will always know you can survive and get through another day.

SCARS AND SOUVENIRS

“Maybe our old wounds teach us something….they remind us of where we’ve been and what we’ve overcome. They teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future.”

                                                                                                            -Grey’s Anatomy

At first glance you would not see them, maybe even after a second or third glance you still wouldn’t see them; but, I know they are there. If I held out my palms to you and you carefully glanced in good lighting, you would see the self-inflicted wounds of escape. The wounds of my teenage years are ever so lightly sketched on my wrists. 
               As a teenager, I was a cutter. I never cut too deep, only enough to draw a little blood and cause minimal pain. The blood was almost the screams I couldn’t scream. I would raise my hands and let the blood pour down my arms to my elbows until it reached the floor. As sick and twisted as this may seem, the cathartic release you get when you press the knife to your skin, is only something a fellow cutter would understand.
I cut for about two years off and on; then, once I realized life wasn’t so bad and it was only going to get better I stopped. Embarrassed by the marks I had caused I wore bracelet and long sleeved shirts…I did anything I possibly could to cover up my scars.
This all took place over ten years ago. I am much wiser. I am much stronger. As a lyric in a P!nk song goes, “I wouldn’t trade the pain for what I’ve learned.” And I truly wouldn’t.
I have a story to tell. I have people that I need to help. There is so much hurt and pain in this world, if I can be a living example to someone else that no matter what you fight, maybe this world will not lose another person to suicide.
            The tattoo on my shoulder is my symbol, a reminder I wish I had when I was struggling. But, now I can share this beautiful work of art on my body as a reminder. I have Katy Perry to thank for the beautiful lyrics, “You’re original, cannot be replaced.” I put a lot of thought into this tattoo before I went and had it inked on me forever. I wish I could snap a picture of it, put it on a card, and send it to the world.
I want to get another tattoo. I want to get a tattoo on my wrists. I want it to read, “I am who I am. I have nothing to prove.” I am not a 100% sure if I want that or to quote P!nk again ( I love P!nk, okay?) “You’re perfect.” There is no way I could ever get “F**kin’ Perfect,” as much as the little devil in me is screaming yes.

            The tattoo isn’t something I am doing out of conceitedness, I am not that type of person. It is to serve as a reminder to myself and others, that no matter what we’ve been through we take the struggle, the pain, and the mess and turn it into a work of art.

So, friends and dear readers of my blog I leave you with this, if you are struggling please do not give up. There are people out there who care about you. I care about you. There are numbers you can call, centers you can visit…there is help. Life gets messy, but you can choose to turn the mess into the best and live your life to your full potential.

Shiny Happy People

“Ask most people what they want outta life and the answer is simple…to be happy.”

                                                                                                            -Grey’s Anatomy

I have been on both sides of the fence before, a happy side and a sad side. I have even tottered in the middle and let me tell you that is one step away from insanity.

It is my true belief that you cannot be happy or be sad. You chose. I chose. I am solely responsible for my own emotions and how I chose to react at the mess life makes.

I am no neurologist, but it looks as if we use more of our brains to be sad that we use to be happy. It takes more effort to be sad. Depressed people sleep a lot more because their brains are worn out from keeping up. I do not know all this for a fact; I am just looking at the picture and trying to figure it out for myself.

            If you were to ask me what I wanted out of life, it would be to be happy. I feel like with happiness comes love, reassurance, peace, comfort and stability.

I searched for a white on the internet for happiness. I found this article to be incredibly useful and true. I think we could all use these steps as reminders for when life gets tough.( http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Happy)

9 STEPS TO BEING HAPPY

1.      Be optimistic: Understand that the past does not equal the future. See yourself as a cause, not an effect. Use positive affirmations. I actually use positive affirmations. On the back of my door, I have six quotes that build me up and remind me that I matter.

     2.      Follow your gut: Live by the 3 C’s of life: choices, chances, and changes. “You need to make a choice to take a chance or your life will never change.

3.      Make enough money to meet your basic needs: How much is that? The magic number is $40,000.

4.      Stay close to family and friends: You can find comfort in family and friends. Our family and friends have a greater impact on our happiness that our salary at work.

5.      Have deep meaningful conversations: Step away from the computer, put down the iPhone and meet someone for coffee.

6.      Find happiness in the job you have now: Once I understood this and was able to just be happy at work, my work life got far less complicated and my work days FLY by.

7.      Smile: J

8.      Forgive: Forgiveness will heal your heart.

9.      Make friends with those who share your interests and faith: I find the friends who share my interests and beliefs are the friends that are still around and the friends that make me my happiest when I am with them.

What do you want out of life? It is to be happy….isn’t it?