This Magic Moment

“If only life was just a dress rehearsal and we had time for do-overs. We’d be able to practice and practice every moment until we got it right. Unfortunately, every day of our lives is its own performance. It seems like even when we get the chance to rehearse, to prepare, and practice… we’re still never quite ready for life’s grand moments.” –GREY’S ANATOMY, Meredith

I take it back. I wish I could rewind time and change the outcome of that situation. I’m sure everyone has thought this more than once in their life. I know I have. I have made a mess of a lot of things in my past because life isn’t a dress rehearsal. I thought about this “life is a dress rehearsal,” idea and I have two outcomes. The real outcome and the fantasy outcome, both of which are seemingly appealing; yet we can only chose between one.

The fantasy outcome: Life is a dress rehearsal. A director sits on the sidelines of life and yells, “Cut! Redo,” or “Stop. Breathe. Try that again.” There are many instances in my life when I wish I could have had a do-over—situations I could have handled much better; yet in the moment I lost my better judgment and screwed up.

I messed up a relationship with my best friend. She was also a family member. We could spend hours on the phone talking about absolutely anything and nothing. We got along. We were very close. After college, she said I could move in with her, and we were both thrilled. Living together, however, changed everything. We didn’t fit with each other’s lifestyles. I just sort of left in anger and hurt instead of staying to resolve the situation. I screwed up. I get that. I hurt her. She hurt me. It’s over. It’s done with. I cannot change it. When my phone rings, sometimes I hope it’s her—calling to say “let’s make up.” It has been almost two years, so I’m slowly losing hope that anything will fix what I did.

I’ve learned from this, believe me. I’ve cried over this. It is one of my biggest regrets to date—I’m kind of hoping I don’t have anymore, but life throws curve balls all the time.

The real outcome is life ISN’T a dress rehearsal. There isn’t time for do-overs, cuts, stops…it is raw and it is live.  Even if I had the chance for life to be a dress rehearsal, I do not think I would choose that option. I like not knowing what is coming. Believe it or not, I like failing. I know it will make me stronger. Life is a moment of successions from failure and mistakes. P!nk wrote in a song, “I wouldn’t trade the pain for what I’ve learned.” I agree with this. However, painful life may be, however deep and real that mistake was—we move on. We learn. We put it in our back pocket and keep walking. I say “we” because so many of you reading probably just need to let go. Let go of that “thing” holding you back. Stop wishing life to be a dress rehearsal and just live for the magical moments it brings to us every day.

Staring at the Sun

“When it comes to our blind spots…maybe our brains aren’t compensating…maybe they’re protecting us.”

                                                                        -Meredith, Grey’s Anatomy

Have you ever stared at the sun for a really long time? Took too many pictures with a flash and see all these little white spots?

I did not want to write tonight. After an exhausting thirty minute cry session, I said “Fuck it, I’m going to sleep.” However, this quote is exactly why I was crying. Blind spots. No, not the blind spots we learned about in driver’s education…the blind spots in life.

            My brain can be best described as an overprotective mother. I know this because I’ve been so blind to the things that have really mattered in my life. Love, happiness, and a career. Because let’s face it; nowadays, you are not getting ANYWHERE without a career to pay those bills, and in my case those lovely loans from attending a private college. I wish my brain would stop protecting me, but maybe there is a reason to its madness. Maybe I’m just not ready.

Love. I dream of falling in love. I dream of being in love. I had a chance at real love when I was 18. I am talking butterflies, fireworks, homeruns, movie magic it was all that and more. I chickened out. I ran the other way and I lost him. This wonderful, perfect person who made everything about life worth living---okay, okay it sounds completely cheesy; but, I am being 100% honest. Thinking about him now and knowing where I would be today if I were with him, I’m not quite sure I want that life. I know I am nowhere near ready to be married or in a relationship. I’m still struggling with trust issues after a traumatizing sexual assault. I’ll get there one day. I will have that movie magic, real life, butterflies, and firework love. My brain is just protecting me until I am completely healed mentally, emotionally, and physically.

Happiness. If you ask anyone what they want in life or what they wish, most will answer “to be happy.” Happiness is available to anyone and they chose is yours. You can chose how your day goes and if unforeseen circumstances get in the way, you can control the outcome by how you will react. This makes me think of a quote I heard over and over by a college professor, “Control what you can control.” I can control my happiness. I am going to choose to be happy from this moment on. I’ve been blind to my happiness, my brain isn’t protecting me on this one—I have a job. I have friends. I have family. I am healthy. I am breathing. I am living. I cannot control my situation at this moment, but I can chose to be happy with what I have and know that there is more to come. 2012 is my year. 2012 is my year to be 100% happy with the life I have and will have. To live in the moment of here and now and not tomorrow or yesterday.

Career. I said at the beginning of the year that 2012 is my year to find a job in the entertainment field. As most of you know, I went to school for acting. I love acting. It is my true passion. I love art. I love writing—it is another one of my passions. I love being behind the scenes of a show. I love production. So, I’ve decided to be a writer/producer/actor/production management/stage management/director’s assistant/production assistant. My passion in life is to create, to evoke emotion, to entertain. It is an extremely hard career choice, I know this. I believe I have the passion and the drive to get me to that place—to that career I have always wanted. Whether, I am center stage, behind a camera, I just know I belonging in the arts. It may happen tomorrow, it may happen in a few weeks, it may happen in months---YEARS (well I hope not years)…I’M GOING TO GET THERE.

“When it comes to our blind spots…maybe our brains aren’t compensating…maybe they’re protecting us.”

The brain is the body’s most mysterious organ. I cannot say for sure when my brain will tell my heart that I’m ready to stop being protected—that it is okay to take a chance, to take a leap of faith to stare directly into the sun….with sunglasses, mind you. I don’t really want to go blind. Or see those annoying white spots.

But then again, maybe all this talk of love, happiness, and career is just my brain’s way of telling my heart that I’m just not ready for all that.  That I cannot change lanes just yet and crash into the SUV…and that protecting me is the best way until my opportunity comes to get into the other lane.

....As We Know It

“If you knew it was your last day on Earth how would you want to spend it?”

                                                                                                              -Meredith Grey

We’ve heard it all our lives, “Live life like it ends tomorrow.” I honestly and truly believe no one really starts following this phrase until an incident so profound turns it all around. I did not mean to rhyme just then, it just sort of happened. Just like death sort of happens. Just like life happens day after day, until one day it is over. If I knew it was my last day on Earth, I’d imagine my day to go a little something like this.

I woke up to see the sun rise. It was a cold winter morning as I stepped onto my front porch. I turned to my left; the sun was just peeking over the horizon. The moon and the stars were still out; I softly whispered “good bye moon and stars.” Within minutes, the sun was a bright orange circle in the sky; its bottom just barely touching the edge of the horizon. From a distance, I could feel its warmth on my face. I smiled and went back inside.

I made myself a breakfast of French toast, bacon, and freshly squeezed orange juice. I lightly sprinkled powdered sugar on the toast with very little syrup. I ate slowly, savoring every single bite. I washed my dish and glass and put them back in the cupboard.
        I ventured to my office, grabbed my address book and sat in my favorite chair. I picked up the phone on the end table and dialed the first number. Four hours later, I was done with the phone calls. The grandfather clock in the hallway chimed. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Silence.

            Even though I was alone, and my house was silent I did not feel alone. I felt the presence of every human soul in my life right there with me. It was comforting, it was overwhelming, and it was peaceful. I made my way to the kitchen for bottled water. After four hours of talking, my mouth was dry. I drank the entire bottle. I threw the empty bottle in the trash. I heard a slight growl from my stomach and decided to cook a small lunch. I made a cheese and black bean quesadilla—a favorite of mine since college, after a friend introduced me to them. I ate even more slowly, savoring every single bite. Delectable—the quesadilla was grilled to perfection. The cheese was the right temperature and there was a perfect amount of black beans. I grabbed bottled water, added some lemon and washed down my perfect lunch.

        I ventured back into my office, turned on my computer and typed. I wrote as a means of catharsis. I typed and I typed. I banged away at the keyboard keys for the next few hours. I saved the document as “Untitled.” I turned off the computer and made my way back to my room.
        It would be getting dark soon. I knew this. It would be over soon. I knew this. I spent the day entirely alone eating, drinking, talking, and writing. Yet, in this means of, what an outsider would see as absolute pathetic-ness… I was truly content. My life had been filled with love, laughter, and loss. My life had been filled with music, art, passion, and compassion.
I was satisfied. I was pleased. There was no better way to leave this Earth then how I planned that day I found out. The grandfather clock chimed in the hallway. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding.


I had missed the sun set on purpose. My day started with a sun rise, a new beginning and that is how I wanted to leave it.
I wasn’t hungry for dinner. I found this to be okay. I went to my room, pulled out my journal and turned to the last page and wrote.
The grandfather clock in the hallway chimed. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding.
I walked to my office and grabbed the piece of paper on the end table that sat next to my favorite chair. I sat in my favorite chair for the last time. I turned on the small lamp, made myself comfortable. I held in my hand a short letter I’d written to my friends and family. I had spent four hours earlier that day leaving hundreds of messages on voicemails—a request I had made earlier that week…no one answer my call. I began to read:

“Think of my love for you as a circle-endless. Think of the life I lived as an imprint on the Earth

and the journey it marked. I found you. I will always find you.  You played a part in my life. I was so wonderfully, ridiculously blessed to have you.. I have no idea what I did to deserve you. I’m sorry I won’t be able to be there for you, like you were for me.  Maybe you never knew how much you meant to me.    Words are ineffable to describe my admiration and gratitude for you. As Joss Whedon wrote, “The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be brave. Live. For me.”

I sat the letter down as a single tear rolled down my cheek and the grandfather clock chimed in the hallway.Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding.

It's the End of the World......

“What’s the one thing you’ve always dreamed of doing before you die?”

                                                                        -MEREDITH GREY, GREY’S ANATOMY

You know, I’ve been thinking a lot about death these past three days. Maybe it is because I like to think the Mayans could be correct about the Apocalypse. Maybe it is because Thursday’s episode of Grey’s Anatomy. Death is imminent, unpredictable, and possible.

I asked my parents if they had a will Friday. They do not. I asked them if they would consider a will, and include if they would ever want extraordinary measures taken in extreme circumstances. As the oldest of the family, I feel it would be my duty to carry out my parent’s wishes.

I also considered a will for myself. Is it too early? I’m a ridiculous to think that at the age of twenty-five I would seriously need a will? Maybe it is; maybe it isn’t. Instead of pondering on my will and what will happen to my belongings when I am gone; I’d like to spend my time focusing on living. The present. The here and now, and not the hereafter.  Again, the question punches me in the gut…”what’s the one thing you’ve always dreamed of doing before you die?”

As a kid, I dreamed several times about Neverland. I’d hang out with Peter Pan. We would battle pirates, swim with the mermaids, and rescue Tiger Lily. When I’d return from Neverland, I’d be so excited to show my parents I could fly. And I never could fly. Flying only existed in Neverland. Flying only existed to those who believed in the magic of never growing up.

…”what’s the one thing you’ve always dreamed of doing before you die?”

My dream is to never grow up. While on the outside my body will change and adapt to the years I’ve lived, my heart, mind, and soul will remain forever young. There’s a quote by John Milton, “Childhood shows the man as morning shows the day.”

Growing up is hard. There isn’t one right guide line of rules to give you all the answers to adulthood. The rules we learn in grade school somehow still apply to adulthood. We are all children running around on the playground trying to fit in….STILL!

My dream is to never grow up. Think one happy thought and you can fly. Life isn’t magical pixie dust. It is real, tough, and in your face. Life won’t leave you alone until you take your last breath. Life is happy moments. Life is sad moments. Life is regret. Life is learning. Life is growing up.

Think one happy thought and you can fly. Maybe if we all had a little Neverland in us—we could never outgrow the child in us.

Begin the Begin

"Fresh starts. Thanks to the calendar, they happen every year. Just set your watch to January."
                                                                                                                          -Meredith Grey

Thank God for a brand new year. A fresh start. 2012, here's to you.
As I sit here comfortably on my bed, computer on my lap, mindlessly plunking away at the keyboard, I think "Wow, a whole new year. I'm truly blessed." However, if you spoke to me a few months ago I would have never have said "blessed."

2011 was a challenge between job, friendships, family, etc. I was offered a permanent position at my temp job and took it. I took it because, hell I need the money. I took it because I felt secure. I took it because I had nothing else. My job is a blessing. It pays the bills. It pays my student loans. It leaves me money to go out and to "extra" things. However, I know I must not stay at this job forever. I have a passion in my life for entertainment. I have a passion for writing. I have a passion for art. I have a passion for people. With all these passions, who knows where I might end up. 2012, here is to you finding me a job in my passion.

2011 defined friendships for me. I lost friends. I gained friends. I wrecked relationships with friends. I saved relationships with friends. Sometimes I miss the security and comfort I found in my friends during my college days. But, just like high school we graduate and move on. Occassionally, I still ache for their prescence in my life; but, maybe someday that ache will be filled. As for now, Facebook and Twitter are sufficent enough.

2011 changed my family. My brothers have been in and out of trouble with drugs, alcohol, stealing and pawning valuable belongings of theirs and my parents for their next high. My parents have struggled the entire year with figuring out what to do. They did not raise my brothers to behave this way and mostly found themselves overwhelemed with disbelief by the whole situation.
 Just before Christmas my brothers got into a phyiscal fight, and found themselves spending a few nights in the county jail. They were suppose to spend the holidays in jail. Thanks to a program called "New Day" they were released and charges were dropped. It was hard to think that for the first time in my life, I would not be spending Christmas with my brothers. Granted my relationship with them is not great, I still love them both dearly. I hope and pray that 2012 can be a year for my brothers to get clean, get help, find a job and be successful.

As Meredith Grey says, “Our reward for surviving the holiday season is a new year. Bringing on the great tradition of new years resolutions. Put your past behind you and start over."

I am putting 2011 behind me and starting over, fresh. I survived the holiday season. I had my family and friends wonderful love and support the entire year. Here's to another year of live, love, and laughter.

2012..you are my new beginning. My year to love. My year to life fully to my greatest potential. My year to fully embrace all that life has to offer.

“It’s hard to resist the chance at a new beginning.”

Friends, take this chance for your new beginning. Live your life to your greatest potential in 2012. And remember what's important, it is important to remember that "we never stop believing we can have a new beginning."

Introduction to the New Year

It is my New Year's resoultion to blog for an entire year. When I first thought of this sometime last summer, I thought "how in the world can I come up with enough to write about for an ENTIRE YEAR?"
So, I dismissed the thought. One night while watching Grey's Anatomy, it hit me. Why not use the voice-overs for blog topics. Sometimes in those voice-overs I find myself agreeing with what is being said. Most of the time, I find myself going through the same exact emotions.

I've always thought that the writing on Grey's Anatomy was clever and well-written. It is one of my favorite medical dramas of my time. So, in an effort to keep to my resoultion; and, write about life, love, and my pursuit of happiness in 2012...here's to my 2012 blog, "A Year Through the Life of Grey's Anantomy.