June 14

Right now, I don't give two shits that I stink of bug spray, outside, and vodka.

        Tonight, I felt alone. One hundred percent alone. I spent time with my grandma and mother this afternoon. I turned off my phone. Five hours later, I turned it on....nothing. No missed calls. No text messages. Nothing. For a split second, I wanted to smash my phone into a million pieces; and that scares me. It scares me that my emotions go from one extreme to the next; and, I cannot control it. I blame myself daily for my lack of friends and social life. It seems I'm pretty damn capable of running all the good out of my life. Even when I was with my family this afternoon...I still felt alone.

        The thought of smashing my phone vanished quickly and I just decided to keep it turned off. To me, it was better to know it was off, silent from alerting calls and messages, than to sit there and wait (in agony), for it to beep, "message received".

 

Tonight, I laid underneath the sky and watched as one by one the stars turned on. Something I'm thankful for, I live outside the city...almost in the country. There are so many stars. The sun was still shining after 8:30pm. I grabbed a blanket, my drink, and set up. I watched. I watched and I watched. The sky changed colors. One by one, as if candles were being lit, the stars turned on. Some slowly, some fast, and some would flicker--as if blinking to wake. I watched. I watched the stars appear across the night sky.

        For a moment, I fathomed infinity. I saw the stars as my thoughts, my dreams, my hopes, my wishes, my wants, my desires...I felt them. It may sound ridiculous but the stars smiled down at me and I smiled at them. I felt small. I felt infinite. I felt as if everything I could ever need or want was right there in the stars. Then, my face felt wet. I was crying. I was crying because in my smile exchange with the stars, I was breathing.

(Side note: To this day, it amazes me what breath/oxygen can do)

I was breathing breathes that went out of my head and out the tips of my toes. I was breathing and the world slowed down and my heart stopped hurting. I was smiling with the stars, crying with the stars, and breathing with the stars. I looked up one last time...and the stars were twinkling. Softly, they whispered "everything is going to be alright. Hold fast to what you know. Hold steady to what is true, be you and the rest will come through."

 

Okay?

 

Okay.

 

 

Twenty-Six: Missed Signs and Broken Opportunities

(I'm not asking whether or not you believe in signs from God; I'm just wanting to share something that has been weighing on my heart)

Several years ago, I was attending church camp as a youth leader and camp counselor. During one of the evening sessions, I was up at the alter praying and pouring my heart out to God. Just as we were asked to go back to our seats, I heard a voice say "Something amazing in your life will happen." The number 26 flashed really big on the wall. In my heart, I knew that it was a sign. For weeks, I struggled.....did it mean 26 days, 26 months, 26 weeks, 26 years, 26 years old?? I am 4 1/2 weeks away from turning 27 and my heart feels as though that amazing thing will not happen.

Before I starting writing this today, I had a strange thought.

Thought: If I was told today that I was pregnant....what would I do?
Conclusion: Abortion.

Years ago, I would never have been able to draw this conclusion. Abortion would have been totally out of the question. I was pro-life and sadly I cannot honestly say when and where my heart and mind began to feel pro-choice. As for many this topic is and always will be a source of conflict. Religion always influences the opposing side. And quite frankly, I wish religion could be left out of it.
      By saying, "I wish religion could be left out of it," I am not saying completely take God out of government....I am just saying the religious beliefs of any and all religions should not be opposed on individuals who chose not to follow.

It is known that God gave us all free-will. God created us for a specific purpose. God created us unique. If we are all to be the same, then why do we even exist?

For some reading this, you might be smiling and quietly cheering me on. For others reading this, your heart is sad and you will have begun to pray for me.

My personal and religious convictions should not oppress others. Therefore, I am pro-choice. I believe it is a woman's right to chose. With that being said, I do not believe in abortion as the only means for birth control....you keep getting pregnant--maybe you want to consider an alternative.

I am not going to be one who condemns. I am not going to be one who judges. If I have ever made anyone feel that way, please know I am truly, deeply sorry. As I wish that no one would ever condemn me or judge me for what I chose to believe in and do with my day to day life. God is the only one allowed to carry all that power.

From what I know, I might have missed out on God's "26" plan for my life. But, I'm leaving that up to God to decide when that will be. I still talk to him. I still pray. I just have not found the want, need, or desire to attend church and be apart of fellowship. If you ask me to attend church, I will just say no. My heart has been hurt too many times by those who proclaimed to live a Christ-like life. I grew sick of it and I said, "Enough."

My heart hurts for this world. My heart hurts for people. My heart hurts for future generations.
I am a compassionate person and just want peace, compassion, understanding, and equal rights.

I find comfort in music and sorrow in news. I find peace in nature. I find love in my family and friends, even when there is so much hate in this world.

Begin the Begin Pt. 2

"Fresh starts. Thanks to the calendar, they happen every year. Just set your watch to January."

--Grey’s Anatomy

Thank God for a brand new year…a fresh start. 2013, here's to you.

I sit here on my parents’ couch, curled up with a blanket, the fire place blazing and I just feel this overwhelming sense of comfort and accomplishment. This is my fifty-second blog. One blog a week for a whole year…I did it. I freaking did it.
          Just like 2011, 2012 was a challenge between job, friendships, family, etc. I am still at the same job and I’ve been there for two and a half years. Just like I stated on my first blog, I know I cannot stay at this job forever. I have a passion in my life for entertainment. I have a passion for writing. I have a passion for art. I have a passion for people. I wanted to make a life change in 2012, but it just never worked out. This year just has to be my year. 2013, here is to taking a risk, moving away, and working towards my passion.
Just like 2011, 2012 defined friendships for me. I lost a friend. I thought we’d be friends forever. The relationship was just toxic. We were only going to end up hurting one another—so I told her I was stepping away and calling it quits. It’s never easy ending a friendship. It hurt me, but it also saved me. I never wanted to hurt that person, but it is what I had to do. I hope that she can find peace and love in life. The upside to losing friends, is gaining friends. I’m thankful for all my friendships. I hope that 2013 brings me more friendships and makes my current friendships stronger.
        2012 was a good year for my family. My brothers may still be lost and throwing their lives away, but I think some reality has set in that they do not ever want to go back to jail.
My mom got a promotion at work and my parents are going to be doing very well. I am happy for them. They struggled so much when I was little that they finally have the means. It is a major blessing.
My mom’s job promotion took her to Canada for the majority of 2012, so I had the privilege of hanging out with a friend’s family, who became my surrogate family this past year. I am thankful for them too. I wish nothing but the best for them in 2013.

“Our reward for surviving the holiday season is a new year. Bringing on the great tradition of New Year’s resolutions. “

 
I set four resolutions for 2012. I met three of them.
Goal 1: Write a blog for an entire year= ACCOMPLISHED
Goal 2: Learn to play piano= ACCOMPLSHED (and still working on it)
Goal 3: Stop biting my nails= ACCOMPLISHED
Goal 4: Get Katy Perry to see my tattoo= NOT ACCOMPLISHED (but I’m not giving up).

My resolutions 2013 are: continue to write, continue to play piano, pursue my dreams, take risks, live fully to my greatest potential and my year to fully embrace all that life has to offer.

“It’s hard to resist the chance at a new beginning.”

Friends, take this chance for your new beginning. Live your life to your greatest potential in 2013. And remember what's important, it is important to remember that "we never stop believing we can have a new beginning."

GRANDMA GOT RUN OVER BY A REINDEER

“There’s an old proverb that says you can’t choose your family. You take what fates hand you. And like them or not, love them or not, understand them or not…you cope..”--Grey’s Anatomy

 This Christmas was probably one of my favorite Christmas’.  I was surrounded by family, friends, good food, and lots of love. What more could I have possibly wanted? Well, I have an answer to this: I want, more than anything, to have a relationship with my younger brother.  

            He has this chip on his shoulder that “the world is out to get me.” One glance or one small, insignificant thing said to him makes him blow up. I had said something to him (I cannot even remember what), he got up and left the room and started going off at me at the kitchen table. My aunt said to him, “You know Matt you can’t choose your family, so you will just have to tolerate them.” She is absolutely right.

          There are times when I want nothing more than to beat my family with a giant walking stick. They have this major obsession that I need to hurry up, find a boyfriend, get married, and have kids. I am perfectly fine living the single life. I am enjoying me—even if it is completely selfish, I am enjoying me. My family also has a major obsession with me finding and going to church. I am not really willing to discuss that at the moment. My relationship with God is between myself and God—no one else. When I feel the need to go to church and further that relationship with God, or restore that relationship with God—then I’ll go. But, for now—I’m just having a hard time figuring it all out. I still pray and talk to God—he knows my heart and he can be the judge. My family needs to back off.

Besides all the criticism for being single and not being a church-goer, I know that my family will be there to support me and help me 100%, whenever I need it. That’s what matters. The fighting doesn’t matter. The love and support and knowing I have someone who will always be there, does.

            My brother may never grow up or change. The chip on his shoulder just might grow into a boulder and I will never be able to have a relationship with him. I’ve tried to show interest in the things he likes, but he just won’t engage in the conversation. I’ve asked him to go somewhere fun with me, like the mall or out to eat and he hangs up the phone. It hurts and it’s sad that he doesn’t even want to try. I’m trying. My mom just keeps saying, “Just kill him with kindness.”

So, I will. I will never understand why he has chosen to be the way he is, but maybe someday—years down the road, he will change—and I will welcome him. He is my baby brother, after all.

A POEM

I did promise myself and my readers 52 weeks worth of blogging. I wanted to make it mostly a tribute to Grey's Anatomy, as I think some of the quotes from the show have affected my life. But, as I read the quotes....nothing sticks out. I went through my poetry folder. I found this poem, and for some odd reason it just "stuck out." Enjoy!

I’m stuck inside this room

Here without you

Chained to the walls

No light, only night

Breathing hard

Falling fast

Facing all my fears at once

 

Bring me back to the place, where the light never fades

Safe inside the arms of you

Is where I want to be

So, bring me back to that place

 

Running away from it all

Nothing left to fight for anymore

Loud roars to cover my cries

No one sees the “me” inside this room (take me away)

 

Bring me back to that place where I first saw your face

Safe inside the arms of you

Where the light never fades

Take me back to that place

 

                  -Written: July 31^st, 2005



IF ONLY YOU WERE LONELY

“You can seek the advice of others, surround yourself with trusted advisors, but in the end the decision is always yours and yours alone. And when it is time to act and you’re all alone with your back up against the wall, the only voice that matters is the one in your head. The one telling you what you probably already knew. The one that’s almost always right.” –Grey’s Anatomy

This week I’m on trial. I’m facing charges of lack of intimacy and male companionship, attending college and getting a degree I am currently not using, and having too much debt. When life throws a curve ball, I seem to catch it square in the face. I’d like to take a further look into these charges; after all I am the only one defending myself.

 

Charge 1: Lack of intimacy and male companionship.

Exhibit A: Conversation (While I was texting on my phone)
Prosecutor: Do boys text you?
Me: No
Prosecutor: Do you text boys?
Me: No.
Prosecutor (disgusted look across face, condescending tone): Well….WHY?

 I have no idea why my lack of dating is directly correlated to my sexual preference. There is no man in my life presently, therefore I must be gay. I have never really dated. I have never had a boyfriend. I have my reasons. I do not trust most men/guys/boys. I went through a trauma which has made it difficult to allow myself to open up and consider dating. I’m working on it. I am healing the broken pieces to make myself whole again. How can I expect to be in a relationship and share myself with that person, if I am not complete myself? I was told that whatever you have on your list for a potential mate, you better be sure you can be and have those qualities too.

I am not perfect, nor will I ever be. I just want to make sure I am not settling for anything less than the best, because that is what I know I deserve. This charge comes from an unhappy, bitter divorcee—so I guess I should consider my source.

Charge 2: Attending college and getting a degree that is not being used

I went to college knowing full well it would be hard to get a job with my degree; yet, it did not stop me. I have had a passion for the arts and entertainment since the day I was born. I have always had a fascination with film, television and the theatre. I knew that I was meant to act, write, produce, and direct. For those who may be curious, or not already know, I received a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Acting. However, in college (and always) when I wasn’t cast in a show, I offered to lend a hand to the technical side and enjoyed it just as much as acting. After college, I moved to a place where I tried out theatre, film, and TV. I got some jobs and some work, but my living situation was not working, so I moved home. I had to quickly find a job to support me and be able to pay back my student/private loans. I got a job—two and a half years later, I am still here. I may not be acting, but I am expressing myself creatively. I write. I play piano. I paint. I am always looking for acting opportunities and submitting myself for commercials and local films. I am always looking for new plays and monologues. I am one of millions of people attempting to work in the entertainment industry. If I get a break one day, then that will be fabulous. If not, I will continue to work in this field because I am passionate about no matter how big or small the job is.

Charge 3: Having too much debt

I have a dream car. This dream car is solely based on my love for the TV show Supernatural. This dream car is a 1967 Chevy Impala, color black. I was searching through the classifieds the other day, during lunch, and I found one for $6,000. It may be green, but I could get it painted. I said, “I found my dream car for $6,000.” My supervisor made this snide comment, “You can have that car in twenty years when you pay off your student loans or when President Obama takes care of them for you.” I wanted to tell my supervisor, “I had no idea my financial situation was such a burden to you or any of your business.” I went to a private college, knowing full-well of the financial burden it would be. I knew it would be a struggle and there would be times when I would let myself regret the decision. But, I would not trade the friendships I have for the money it cost. The money I spent on college is completely worth the financial burden. I have support systems all over the United States, and I am sure wherever I end up—someone will be there to have my back. That’s true friendship…that is family.

            I’d like to add that my college debt is my only debt. I have no credit cards. I own my car. My school debt is all I have. Yes, it is a lot of money—but I’m paying it back and learning responsibility. I have a pretty strict budget that I follow and I rarely break this budget. Being at this job for the past two and a half years, I have learned what it will take for me to be able to survive on my own somewhere else. I know how much money I will need to make and I feel I am pretty responsible with my money, that I will be able to make wise decisions and not have to ask for help or assistance from anyone.

 

Sometimes I feel like I need to say, “Until you have walked a mile in my shoes, you cannot even begin to judge me or have any say in what I do or do not do.” I rarely seek the advice from family, with the exception of my parents. My family just does not understand me. My family did not help me decide on college. My family does not/will not/could not help me decide on my love life. My family will not and should not have any say in my debt or what I do with my money.

            My college friends are probably the highest of my trusted advisors. They understand the burdens and financial hardships. They understand the realization of working to survive and putting that acting career on the back burner or finding other creative outlets, or completely different careers. I am proud of all of them. No matter what.

It seems like there has been a lot of negativity thrown my way this week. I have felt the need to justify my life and decisions, when truly…I do not need to justify myself to anyone. The decision is mine and mine alone to decide what I do with my life. I may not always listen to the positive voice inside me, but I know it’s in there. You can do this. You can do this. That’s the voice I want to always listen to, because as Meredith Grey says it’s “the one that is almost always right.”

When I have extra money, I want to get tattooed on my wrist. I am who I am. I have a right to be here. I have nothing to prove. I feel like this quote will be my constant reminder that although the world may judge and question my presence, I know who I am. I know I have a right to live freely and happily. And finally, I know that I will have nothing to prove.

DESIRE

“Desire can wreck your life; but, as tough as wanting something can be…the people who suffer the most are those who don’t know what they want.”—Grey’s Anatomy

 Last week, I was overwhelmed with the desire to return to school.  I wanted to be a pediatric nurse. I wanted to be a doctor. I wanted to be an FBI agent. I wanted to be a lawyer. I wanted to be a counselor. I wanted to get a second degree in theatre and/or acting.

       Today, I have the overwhelming desire to move out of the current state I live in and to somewhere where I can work and pursue acting, writing, production work, etc.
It is almost as if I truly do not know what I want in my life anymore. There are days I consider finally opening my heart and start to date. There are days when I shudder at the fact of having children and days when I cannot wait to be a mom.  Therefore, according to this quote, I am in the category of suffering—for not knowing what I want.

 It is dangerous (I feel) to live life by a plan—because as I’ve experienced in my short twenty-six years, nothing ever goes according to plan. I think life is best lived my setting goals and doing what you can to meet those goals.

For 2012, I set three goals: stop biting my nails, write a blog for an entire year, and get Katy Perry to see my tattoo.
I have accomplished two out of three. I have not bitten my nails once this year. I have written a blog a week for almost the entire year. This is blog forty-eight and I have to get to fifty-two. So, my last goal is to get Katy Perry to see my tattoo, whether I get to personal show her or she sees the picture on the internet—I just want her to see it.

I’m proud of myself. I used to be terrible at setting and accomplishing goals, so 2013, I feel will be another year of accomplishing more goals that I have.

Desire can be poison. As you can see, I had all these desires to return to school, but I didn’t act on that desire.
I constantly struggle with the fear of moving on and leaving behind what I know for fear of the unknown and uncertain.
My support system here is what keeps me together. The people here in my life make my life enjoyable and if I have to work a mediocre job that I loathe—it almost seems like the job should be tolerable. I know I cannot keep up with this and I need to continue to search for more and improve my life—because I know that I am meant for something more.

So, for 2013 my goals are: to move out of my current state, to get a new job, and to not hold back.

To not hold back seems pretty vague, I just want to not let fear hold me back. I do not want to miss out on wonderful opportunities because of fear. I want to be able to have regrets and make mistakes. I want to be able to enjoy life as much as possible while there is life to live.

I know my blogs are not good every week. I have good weeks and I have bad weeks, but it has never held me back from not writing. I know some people who read and some are complete strangers, yet I appreciate every single page view and every single comment. This blog has given me the confidence that maybe one day, I can pursue writing.

I was told since I was ten years old that I had a gift for writing. I think this is where my good desire lies; I have a desire to write always and always. Once again, I want to thank my readers. I am so elated with the good response I have received as it continually boosts my confidence that I have what it takes. Desire can wreck your life, but I think it also brings you possibilities to chase all of your dreams.