Conversations with my 13 Year Old Self

   (Yes, I would like to credit my blog title to the P!nk song from her I'm Not Dead album)

 

I was cleaning out my closet the other day and I came across all of my old journals. I have kept a journal since I was about seven years old, as I have always found it therapeutic to write. I came across a journal that I kept from age twelve to age twenty-three.

      I read through it for a few hours and was heart-broken by the girl that I once was. There is so much anguish in my writing. I was a distraught teenager, just desperately trying to belong. I know that the thirteen year old me wants to blame my parents. The thirteen year old me wants to blame all the what nots, maybe’s, broken promises, and empty hopes. Being a teenager is one of the hardest things we experience in our lives. The sudden surge of hormones has you laughing one minute, crying the next, and before you know it you are so angry—you could scream. Maybe not every teenager felt this way, but I know I certainly did. I decided to share one of my journal entries from December 1^st, 1999.

                I know this was supposed to be a “grateful” journal, but now I think I want it to be a diary. I really haven’t had the time to sit down and write what’s really going on. So, now I have the chance…and I feel like it needs to be written.

This summer I tried to commit suicide…twice. I thought it would never happen to me, but it did. I don’t really know why I wanted to, but it was just mainly because I felt like I wasn’t loved, nobody listened to me and I felt lonely and desperate. I still have thoughts about it, about doing it. But, I don’t think God wants me right now. I mean all I have to do is….I DON’T KNOW!!!!! Another reason was because I was told, I couldn’t be an actress.

     If there was a way where I could put myself up for adoption, I would. You know all my parents do is yell, yell, YELL, YELL, YELL!!! I HATE IT!!! I wish I could live with Grandma. These past few weeks Aunt Chrissy asked me what I changed so much and what I was such a…..I can’t remember what she said.

Anyway, I wish I could move out for a few weeks away from my parents to find a way to be a better person and a way to respect them. Or, a way to find out something.

     Today, a teacher gave me a really sweet card about how she “wonders what the future holds for me,” and “how sweet I am in class.” If only my parents understood how I felt. If they could understand that I need to I get away. But, I CANNOT runaway. It’s not right. I do not know what to do.

 As you can see, I never succeeding in killing myself—even though I attempted it a few more times and eventually became a cutter—a terrible cutter, or just lucky that I have very few visible scars. Sometimes, I am constantly reminded of the thirteen year old me and how far that I have come along. I am happy. I have a good relationship with my parents now. I have a good family. I have amazingly, wonderful friends. I have a job—even though I hate it. I have enough money to pay bills and splurge a little—it is tough…but it is life. I have my health. I have a home.

    I sit here writing, I know that I am meant for something more than just the corporate job and a cubicle space…I believe I am meant to help others. I believe I am meant to share my story. I believe I am meant to write. I am a driven, passionate, hard working person—I will do everything in my power to accomplish my goals. My life is what it is and was what it was. I am not defined or know by my past---I just had to go through it to be who I am today….a beautiful, strong, confident woman who loves endlessly and stops at nothing. I am moving forward and not holding back. I am who I am. I have a right to be here. I have nothing to prove.

 



LOSING MY MIND

“Don’t wonder why people go crazy, wonder why they don’t. In the face of all we can lose in a day…in an instant…wonder what the hell it is that makes us hold it together.”—Grey’s Anatomy

 “I’m losing my mind!!” This is my cliché phrase as I frantically search for misplaced keys, misplaced paperwork, and most certainly my iPhone. The keys that were on your desk five minutes ago have suddenly and metaphorically walked away, yet they are found still hanging in the lock. The phone you are talking on is the phone you are looking for. The paperwork you are looking for is either in your hand; or, sitting right in front of you. It is moments like these, when I really consider that I am losing my mind.

            Last night, I left my keys to my home and office keys sitting on my office desk. I got home to unlock the door and began to dig through my purse. No keys. I knocked, and thankfully someone was home. Thankfully, when I got to work this morning, my keys were still sitting on my desk. Losing keys, losing your phone, losing paperwork is pretty minimal compared to what most people can lose in a day. I do not want to address loss, as I am in a wonderful mood and am taking this blog writing in a completely different direction.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. It will be a Thanksgiving without my mom, who is up in Canada for a work project. I am sad that she won’t be there; but I am thankful for the friends and family that I will be spending Thanksgiving with.
         I remember countless Thanksgiving’s standing in a circle with loved ones, stating what we are most thankful for. Hoping that the tradition continues this year, I shall start early sharing what I am most thankful this year.
I am thankful for my health. I’ve been through a lot of health scares these past three years, and I finally feel as I am in control of my body.
I am thankful for my job. As much as I complain about my job, I am thankful I have a job that pays my bills and allows me to live. Granted, I live by limited means…I am living and comfortably satisfied with what I have.
I am thankful for my grandparents, who allow me to live with them and do not expect much. However, I do pay them rent and help out with any other expenses. I help cook, clean, and am there to watch the house when they leave for vacation.
I am thankful for my parents, who are always there. A couple months ago, I had to make a repair to my car. I did not have the $600. My parents borrowed it to me and I was able to work out a payment plan to pay them back. They sometimes still spoil me with random shopping trips and take me out for lunch. As crazy as they make me, I love my parents.
I am thankful for my friends. Most of my friendships are purely through internet and phone contact, but I am thankful for those times when I know I could totally count on them to help me out. I am thankful for running into old high school friends—and having the ability to reconnect. My friends have been more a part of my life than my extended family. I trust that my friends know that I would do anything for them. I can always send a funny quote or picture to make them smile; or, be able to identify the quote of a random Facebook status.
I am thankful for “my person.” I am not sure I have ever referred to her as a friend—because, to me…she is more than that. I know that my Grey’s Anatomy obsession is totally showing right now, but she is the Cristina to my Meredith. We are totally insane—and I think that is what allows us to have such a good friendship. We have known each other for about eighteen years. I am, eight years older than her…but she has always said since she was very young, “I have the maturity and common sense of a thirty-year old.” She graduates high school in May. I have held off moving, because I cannot imagine living far away from her. Skype would not be enough.

            It is the simple things that keep me sane. It is the love of friends and family that make life less crazy, however ironically it is also what drives you crazy. Without family…without friends….I’m pretty sure my life would be a completely different story. A character on Boy Meets World put it best when he said, “Lose one friend. Lose all friends. Lose yourself.” So, friends and family thank you for keeping me together. In the face of all I could lose, my job, my friends, my family…the fact that I know love is coming from somewhere and I have that support system in place, makes me know I have what it takes to keep from falling apart.

PS: I am blown away by the number of reads my blog gets. I am thankful for all readers past and present. I hope to one day do this as a profession or write for television shows and movies. Or, maybe write for Ellen Degeneres.

START ME UP

“Nothing’s as easy as starting over. Nothing at all.” –Grey’s Anatomy

When high school ends, life into adulthood begins. You pick your college. You move out of the home you grew up in. You leave your family and friends behind for a brand new start. For four years (give or take), college is life and life is college….you explore, you expand, you search for you. You make friends, friends that eventually become your family. Then you graduate, move on to pursue your college degree. Change seems to be the only consistency in life and starting over is a part of it.
      Starting over can be scary and it isn’t easy; starting a new job, moving to a new city, starting a new life, moving away from the familiar and starting with the unfamiliar. I, knowing full well that change can be good and I can start over, I choose to stay stuck.
I read a quote once that said, “Strength shows not only in the ability to persist, but the ability to start over.”
       I know I have the power to start over; it is just a matter of knowing when the “right” time is. I use quotations around the word right, because in a sense there is never a right time.
It seems as if I write about moving on and following my heart almost every blog—but it’s true. Fear is a powerful thing. I fear of failure, I fear of missing out on my families’ lives and my friends’ lives. I fear of all the things I’ll leave behind.  I fear of having to start over.

So, I leave you with this:

Become your dream. Life your live and give yourself a chance to start over—even though there is nothing easier as starting over—just give it a try. You may like what you find when you do. Life is full of new beginnings if you take the chance.

A Letter

I was thinking of my "Dog Sees God" family. I am very close to my three year anniversary of graduating college. I am reminiscing on my last semester in college---the best half of a year in a long time. I miss what I do not have anymore, but I look forward to what is to come. Here is a letter I wrote:

To my family of DOG SEES GOD,

I want to thank you for this amazing experience. It was wonderful watching the progression of the show since the first read through. What we have now, it is beautiful. It exceeds all expectations I had. Oh, how I wish that the world could see what we have created. Words and feelings are ineffable about how I feel about each and every one of you.
          I want each of you to promise me you will never stop doing what you are doing. Keep dreaming. Keep reaching. Keep wishing. I heard once on a beer commercial that “those brave enough to chase their dream will catch it.” It has stuck with me ever since. Go out and chase that dream. Work hard. Live, laugh, love, but above all hope. Do not ever give up hope, like that beautiful anonymous person in that letter almost did. Like I almost did.
            Like the anonymous person (in the letter), little pieces of my self were ripped away by situations in my life that a lot of people do not know about, and possibly never will.
You never know what another is going through, or how by some miracle you can be a witness to someone and change their life. And we had the awesome, wonderful chance to do just that.
     Theatre saved my life. It was a last resort, really and I wanted nothing to do with it.
I am so thankful I chose theatre. It gave me hope. It gave me…..me.
This is why we all must continue to do what we do. Live our lives striving to reach others, because contrary to what some believe theatre does have power to change.

       Each one of you has changed me for the better. How blessed I am to know you. How wonderful it is to be apart of this fabulous show and witness a miracle. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for the opportunity. Thank you for allowing my last collegiate theatre experience to be Dog Sees God.

Let me leave you with these favorite quotes of mine.

“Always do what you’re afraid to do.” –Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Creativity is allowing your self to make mistakes, art is knowing which ones to keep.”-Scott Adams

 “Acting is forever carving a statue of snow.”-Lawerence Barrett

“Beginnings are scary. Endings are usually sad, but it’s what’s in the middle that counts. So, when you find yourself at the beginning just give hope a chance to float up, and it will.”-Movie quote: Hope Floats

 

“If you don’t go after what you want, you’ll never have it. If you don’t ask, the answer is always no. If you don’t step forward, you’re always in the same place.”-Nora Roberts

So, go. Step forward. Hope. And never stop doing what you are doing. Create art. Live. Laugh. Love.

I love you all.

BAND-AID COVERS THE BULLET HOLE

“As friends, as human beings, we try to do the best that we can. But, the world is full of unexpected twists and turns."—Grey’s Anatomy

 

Whether most of you know or not, each Grey’s Anatomy episode is named for a song. I also like how the episode title plays into the plot line of the episode. I am at a loss of what to write this week, so I looked up these lyrics to this song by the Scarling. So, I will share this song with you…enjoy the lyrics. I found them pretty powerful. Great imagery!

Bees in the caramel and I'm not afraid
Surgeons make incisions
what a mess they've made
Tearing at my skin leaving knives in my brain
Stabbing at the voices making me insane

Girls vomit candy and lies that they're fed
Boys whisper lullabies and wet their beds
Eat TV violence on the toast that they spread
Talking with their mouths full here is what they've said

Say Hello to my Little friend the world is getting ugly and we did it again....
Say Hello to my Little friend the world is getting ugly and we did it again...
Ohh Uh Ohh The Band Aid only covers the Bullet Hole
Ohh Uh Ohh The Band Aid only covers the Bullet Hole

LA LA LA -LA LA LA LA LA LA-

Spiders in my hair and guns on my mind
Thinking about the people who've been so unkind
If looks could kill them
I might make myself blind
Startled at the reasons that I just can't find
Kids break the dishes they crash on the floor
Parents hate the noise and shove them out the door
Robots steal emotions hide them under their beds
It's gets them so excited
Here is what they've said......

Say Hello to my Little friend the world is getting ugly and we did it again....
Say Hello to my Little friend the world is getting ugly and we did it again...
Ohh Uh Ohh The Band Aid only covers the Bullet Hole
Ohh Uh Ohh The Band Aid only covers the Bullet Hole

The Band Aid only covers the Bullet Hole
LA LA LA -LA LA LA LA LA LA- BLAH -BLAH-
BLAH -BLAH BLAH BLAH-BLAH-BLAHHHHHH.